Here's a handy summary of the first 20 minutes of Real Housewives of Miami: Marta Krupa cried, Ana Quincoces attempted to teach Joanna Krupa to cook, Karent Sierra and her telenovela boy toy got creepy and Lea Black went on the news. Hey, not every scene can be groundbreaking, right?
- Last week's episode of Real Housewives
- Elsa Patton Collapses at Real Housewives premiere
But give thanks to the Bravo Gods, because once all that setup was out of the way, things turned around.
Enter the Hearts and Stars gala, a soiree to raise money for, uh, children or something? Bravo's not in the reality show game for the philanthropy, folks. Bravo's in it for the red carpet. But just as we were seeing the ladies doing their best walk of fame, Miami's attention-hungry hangers-on started the suck-up fest. Malinka Max kicked it off, with Lisa Hochstein letting you know she was a "socialite." Is she? We have never heard of her.
Then, here came Thomas Kramer, who you might recognize from his cameo on the Atlanta Housewives' episode when they took a trip to the 305. If these bitches adore anything, apparently, it's Mr. Kramer. Dude shows up at basically every fancy gathering in Miami. (He is the loud one in the middle of the room in a bedazzled ensemble.)
We have said it once, and we will say it again: Lea Black is such a snarky little bitch. Honestly, we mean that in the best way possible. Or, as Lea would say, "Just kidding!" Anyway, Lea tells to Marysol, who is on her way to a divorce, that her estranged husband "got his Green Card and left." The girl has balls. Or maybe it's gall. You choose.
On that note, it isn't just Lea who is getting sassy. It seems Adriana de Moura has taken a play from the Black book. Upon seeing Karent arrive, she announces to the group, "She would go to the opening of an envelope." All together now: Oh, snap! Is she wrong though? The girl is a dentist with a publicist who spends her free time snapping photos at any social gathering she can find. Even her teeth are like, "You don't always have to be 'on', y'know?"
They say you cant choose your family. But if we could pick our siblings, we would quickly snap up Joanna. She not only pays for her sister's life, but she cries when her sister tells her that she is moving out. Watch out Lisa -- Marta the Moocher is moving in!
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If you didn't believe in a Big Man upstairs, you did after Elsa Patton made her return. Who do you think you are, Bravo, leaving her out for the last two weeks? Thank God Joanna got white girl wasted or week three essentially would have been an hour of our life we would have never got back.
To end the evening with a bang, we begin to see the unraveling of Joanna and Adriana at Lea's tasting for the Black Gala. If Adriana ever becomes your Twitter Tweep, and you would like to keep her, you must do a few things: never call her out, avoid being overzealous at a party and never offer her "mercury-filled Tuna." If you do, she will slap the shit out of you. In a couple of weeks, Joanna will learn that the hard way.