The Real Housewives of Miami, Episode 4: Gals Love The Gays
In last week's Real Housewives of Miami, Joanna Krupa got full-blown white girl wasted. After about 35 glasses of vodka, Miss Krupa decided to throw a tantrum at her fiancé, Romain Zago, at his lounge Mynt. She raged, he stormed out, blah blah blah.
- Last week's episode of Real Housewives
- Smoking Hot Photos of Elsa Patton Before Surgery
Last night, we saw them making up. Apparently when you're Maxim's Sexiest Swimsuit Model in the World, a fight with your beau can all be fixed with a quick sit down on the beach.
Later, we see Adriana de Moura modeling for a famed Latin photographer. Ever wondered what Adriana looks like topless? Now you know. The 40+ mother's showing her goods, and that's cool. Hey, you got it, flaunt it (for the good of art, of course). We're more concerned about her fiancé. Why does the man always has a scarf on? Bitch, it's 90 degrees outside. Get into a wifebeater and cut-offs like the rest of us.
It's official: Karent Sierra and those pearly whites of hers are obnoxious. As her own mother explains to her why she once hated her soap star boyfriend, she ugly-cries and keeps smiling. How is that scientifically possible?
Meanwhile, for the first time all season, Lisa Hochstein is showing some substance. Before last night, she was all plastic and entitlement. But after hearing about her struggles to have a baby, including her three miscarriages, we started to feel some genuine sympathy. We're suckers for a sad story, what can we say?
Question: On a scale from one to ten, how big of a bitch is Lea Black? Answer: 11. The girl has some sass and we love her for it. At Adriana's big art debut, Lisa and Karent tag along to bask in her glory. Upon seeing her photo, Mrs. Black immediately asks these burning questions: "Sold? Who bought it? You?" and "So, how much air brushing did you have to do?" Brrr, that's cold. But Lea's backhanded bitchness wasn't the cause of the biggest drama of the night. It was the fact that Karent out-tweets Adriana. These are what we like to call Middle Aged Problems.
Drag time! Here comes Elaine Lancaster. She goes to charity meetings in drag, but art soirees in a suit and tie? Mmmkay. As everyone is mingling and swigging back their cocktails, the subject of Marysol Patton comes up in conversation. Elaine doesn't exactly hide her hatred for Patton the younger. But in a strange turn, all of the other ladies want to have Marysol's back instead of talking behind it. At least until Marysol and Ana got mojitos later and discussed the fact that "Lea married a rich guy. How hard is that?" Oh, snap.
Things were getting a little boring -- have we seen Elsa even once? -- until the wives spent an afternoon out at White Party on South Beach. If you have never been, we suggest you do, no matter your sexual preference. There is drinking, dancing, and fun in the sun, and being around that amount of hot men will make you get your ass in the gym.
Before the disco balls even starting turn, the drama was swirling with Joanna the day of the party. Apparently, her lover Romain had been accused of making out with one of his Mynt Lounge employees the night before. What, embarrassing him the day of his anniversary party doesn't get him a Get Out of Jail Free card? Besides, after hours of day drinking with a shit ton of gays, dealing with housewives and dealt with rumors, he deigns to hold a drag queen's bag so Joanna can dance. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Follow Cultist on Facebook and Twitter @CultistMiami.
Get the Arts Newsletter
Weekly information on all the on goings in the art and event world. Find out what the hot trends are and what's happening this week in our Arts newsletter. Coming Soon.