For this special Sunday presentation of Real Housewives of Miami, we all find ourselves at the model beach volleyball tournament -- an event we actually had the pleasure of attending last year. (Well, it was a pleasure for at least the first 10 minutes, after which we realized we needed to get our fat ass to the gym ASAP. You've seen Joanna Kruapa's body, right? Imagine hundreds of that running around.)
After some volleyball was played, Joanna and Romain decided to work out their lovers' quarrel. Ladies, we hope you watch this show and realize what their relationship is: fake. We aren't saying they don't genuinely love each other, but normal wedding engagements don't work like this. When you are as hot as Miss Krupa, you can act a hot mess at any gathering and all will be forgiven with just a simple stroll on the beach.
In other news, we honestly can't decide whether we want to adopt Karent Sierra, or to slap the smile right off her face. Sure, she is a nice person. Yet, as Lisa poured her heart out to Karent regarding her miscarriages, Karent couldn't stop talking about herself and her uterus -- all while smiling, of course. What would really win us over is one simple frown. Just one! Oh and if we never saw her with the goddamns birds again, that would be best.
Now we must address the horrific death we saw on tonight's episode. Oh yes, we are talking about the passing away of Lea's dog Leroy. The loss of a pet is hard; we have all been there. But the funeral for the little rascal was nicer than any service we have ever attended. There were speeches, flowers, friends dressed in black, etc. But the one thing we couldn't move past wasn't our grief. It was the fact that Freda the maid couldn't be happier to see that dog put into the ground. That woman is a true G in every sense of the world.
As a gringa, when the people next to you are speaking Spanish, you know what is up. They are talking shit, and yep, it's probably about your white ass. Alexia's dinner party was no different. The wives gathered that evening to, in Ana's words, "bury the hatchet and hopefully not in someone's back."
At first, all seemed to be going fine. (The booze was flowing steadily, after all.) Then Marysol decided it was time for it to get real, and returned to the subject of the infamous newspaper article. Everyone is still pissed at Karent, blah, blah blah. Just when you think the Miami Herald mania might get resolved, Adriana and Joanna start back up with Bitch Slap 2012. Adriana claims it never happened. Girl, you realize that was on camera, right?
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Words were exchanged and by the end of the Miami meal from hell, the ladies decided to end it with a handshake. In the words of Barack, "it's time for change!"
Honestly, none of this matters. It looks as if we have dinner from hell part two this Thursday and Mama Elsa will be in attendance. All together now: hooray!