Witty banter: It's what keeps Bruce Vilanch employed annually, and the rest of us entertained during awards shows between our own snide remarks about the stars' hideous fashion choices. But presenters don't always stick to the script, and some winners can get a bit too excited. Before you know it, Adrien Brody is assaulting Halle Berry with his lips, much to the horror of everyone watching.
Awkward gaffes are part of every awards show, but especially the Oscars, and this year will be no exception. So here are our predictions for the off-script items likely to pop up this weekend at the Academy Awards. We're not going to say that they will happen, or even that they should happen... just that we would be amused if they do happen. (And then pick up a side job as a psychic. Because, wow, these are very specific).
Pretty Little LiarsPresenting with her Bridesmaids costars, Melissa McCarthy accidentally lets it slip that she, Kristen Wiig and Maya Rudolph never really had a Martin Scorsese drinking game, and they lied to the audience of the Screen Actors Guild Awards in a desperate plea for laughs. In response, Ellie Kemper lets out a string of expletives and chases the Best Supporting Actress nominee off the stage with the shards of the champagne bottle she shattered on the podium.
Odds it'll happen: 50:1. There's not an angry bone in Kemper's body.
Temporary Jackson Syndrome
After spending so much time on the American Idol judging panel with Randy Jackson, presenter Jennifer Lopez loses the inability to use real words. Instead of reading the teleprompter, she spews out a chorus of "dawgs" and "a'ights" -- and after announcing the winner, admits that "for me, for you, that movie was a bit pitchy."
Odds it'll happen: 13:1, dawg.
Life Imitates Art
The Artist's Jean Dujardin loses his voice right before his best actor acceptance speech, and the whole audience thinks it is an elaborate homage to his performance - laughing and applauding louder as he grows increasingly frustrated. When he stamps and stomps off stage, Billy Crystal can be heard exclaiming it was the best tap dance routine he's seen in years.
Odds it'll happen: 6:1. Are we even really sure Dujardin's one line wasn't dubbed?
Kermit the Frog reveals that during a dark time in his life, if he were given the choice of man or muppet, he would have elected the former. Miss Piggy is so furious by this revelation, she karate chops the giant Oscar statue and the censors have to cut to a break.
Odds it'll happen: 4:1. That pig has a temper.
Paired to present together, Tom Cruise and Tom Hanks keep getting distracted by the sheer delight that they share a first name. Nary a sentence can be spoken before one of them exclaims: "I can't believe we're both named Tom! The best name ever, we have!" The camera pans to Tom Selleck in the audience, nodding in approval and stroking his mustache.
Odds it'll happen: 5:1. Just because we like to imagine this happening.
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Presenter Tina Fey veers from her lines to thank NBC for finally setting a return date for Community.
Odds it'll happen: Literally none, but we're too excited for March 15 to care.