Jobs are like penises: everybody has them, except for women, who have vaginas and jobs. Then there's also hermaphrodites, who (we assume) don't hold two jobs. Or maybe some do, because it's a tough economy out there, plus they have to deal with the whole double genitals thing. The physiology of that is pretty interesting without even delving into the psychological ramifications of having -- wait, what were we talking about again? Oh, right, jobs.
Recently, we came across an article on Gawker ranting on about an article on CareerCast.com which ranked 200 jobs from best to worst. Gawker based its article on how many shitty jokes they could string together by throwing darts at a cork board full of various adjectives and vulgarities (which is damned ridiculous amateur bullshit) whereas CareerCast.com used a fairly sound methodology to get their point across. We decided to take a stab at this one using Miami flair. Our methodology: a Thursday morning deadline.
The Five Best Jobs
Have you ever wanted to fuck 5 million people at the same time? There are two ways to do this: One is to create some kind of 5-million-person human centipede thing and pick an orifice, and the other is to hold the highest public office in Miami-Dade county. Miami-Dade's last mayor was so corrupt it took a billionaire car dealership owner to remove him from power, and we're all cognizant of how morally bankrupt car dealers are, so... that's impressive.
That's a good start, only 4,999,997 people to go.
Human Centipede still.
2. Rapper's entourage member
We've never been a part of an entourage, but through ample viewings of rap videos and Grizz & Dot Com on NBC's 30 Rock, we know enough to think it's an awesome way to spend your 9-to-5. Seems like all you have to do is spend the artist's money and appear in a couple of their music videos bobbing your head in slow motion, baring your teeth, and occasionally falling over while holding a drink above your head.
3. Whatever it is all those fat guys driving Ferraris do
Our guess is something of ambiguous ethics if not downright illegal. Still, it must be a fantastic career with low stress, because these guys are always rolling around in tank tops in the middle of the weekday afternoon. Perks include being surrounded by people you're not sure you can trust; physically attractive women with personalities as vapid as their thoughts are vacuous; and, of course, bagel Thursdays. Hahaha, whatever, you make tons of fucking cash and can do whatever you want. That's awesome.
4. Trophy wife
The prerequisites for the job include synthetic objects implanted into your body, synthetic personalities implanted into your household, and pretending that being nouveau riche somehow blesses you with effortless class. When these women and the fat Ferrari guys hook up they create ravenous little hell-spawns Tina Fey writes movies about. But still, it's pretty good living. There's just one drawback: Miami's trophy wife market is fully saturated.
5. Software engineer
Yeah, this is a Miami list, but software engineer has been in every "top jobs" list ever since software started being engineered. Google it, we'll wait. If you notice, it's either always first place or damn close. While our friendly neighborhood Gawker wordsmith would have you believe its inclusion is some type of Freemason or Illuminati conspiracy of nerds writing these articles, he forgets it's writers who write. And writers like Hamilton Nolan do it well, what with gems like "IceCreamFireSexPerson." Quick, get Nobody on the phone and tell them we've got the next Stephenie Meyer.
The Five Worst Jobs
1. Miami Marlins manager
This is a tough gig to have. On the one hand, it pays a lot. On the other hand, you've gotta deal with subordinates who earn more than you. You've also gotta be careful what you say, because the ultra-touchy Cuban community will be all, "Pa la pinga!" and turn on you faster than Cubans turned on the Democratic party in '61 for making a decision to not go to war with the Commies. And after all that, you actually have to manage the Marlins.
The face Ozzie made when he was told the contract he signed was with the Marlins.
2. Churro street vendor
Poor guys. When was the last time you saw one of these dudes? In all likelihood, it was also the last time you simultaneously shat and vomited while vowing between heaves to never again eat anything from Hialeah. City ordinances and crackdowns on neglectful business licensing have made these renegades a tough find. Churro street vendors have had to rely on selling their pastries on the black market. There actually exists an underground churro racket -- ain't that some shit?
3. Single Walmart cashier at 2 a.m.
It's 2 a.m. on a Wednesday and you remember, "Shit, I need bleach, rubber gloves, a saw, and heavy-duty plastic bags" ... for one reason or another. It's happened to all of us. So you head to your local Walmart and find all your items in a jiffy. You'd assumed no one would be shopping at that time, but it turns out a lot of people shop for things like rope, duct tape, knives, rags, shovels, and other assorted benign objects at that hour to avoid the early evening rush. Unfortunately, there's only one goddamn cashier in the vast array of 50 registers, and there are 30 customers in line scoffing and moaning and contemplating how they'd fit into a suit made of said cashier's skin. What a terrible job.
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4. Toll-booth operator
How does it feel knowing your job is fast becoming obsolete? Can you sleep at night with the growing awareness that your peers are being displaced each and every day in growing numbers by machines? Will you be able to explain to your kids why today you have to eat government cheese because you've been replaced by a computer? This was originally written in reference to print journalists, but it works for toll-booth operators as well. And Chuck Strouse is listening.
5. Restroom attendant
This job is shitty enough as it is, even without all the cheap wannabe ballers in Miami. It's incredibly stupid for those guys to expect tips for the arduous work of lifting the faucet handle and pumping soap. It's especially hilarious seeing those guys at work in the restrooms with automated faucets, soap dispensers, and paper towel dispensers. They pretty much just stand there hawking Chiclets and spritzes of Curve for $5. Still not as useless as print journalists, but it's a close second.