The Most and Least Awesome Jobs in Miami, 2012

Jobs are like penises: everybody has them, except for women, who have vaginas and jobs. Then there's also hermaphrodites, who (we assume) don't hold two jobs. Or maybe some do, because it's a tough economy out there, plus they have to deal with the whole double genitals thing. The physiology of that is pretty interesting without even delving into the psychological ramifications of having -- wait, what were we talking about again? Oh, right, jobs.

Recently, we came across an article on Gawker ranting on about an article on which ranked 200 jobs from best to worst. Gawker based its article on how many shitty jokes they could string together by throwing darts at a cork board full of various adjectives and vulgarities (which is damned ridiculous amateur bullshit) whereas used a fairly sound methodology to get their point across. We decided to take a stab at this one using Miami flair. Our methodology: a Thursday morning deadline.

The Five Best Jobs

1. Mayor
Have you ever wanted to fuck 5 million people at the same time? There are two ways to do this: One is to create some kind of 5-million-person human centipede thing and pick an orifice, and the other is to hold the highest public office in Miami-Dade county. Miami-Dade's last mayor was so corrupt it took a billionaire car dealership owner to remove him from power, and we're all cognizant of how morally bankrupt car dealers are, so... that's impressive.

That's a good start, only 4,999,997 people to go.
That's a good start, only 4,999,997 people to go.
Human Centipede still.

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2. Rapper's entourage member
We've never been a part of an entourage, but through ample viewings of rap videos and Grizz & Dot Com on NBC's 30 Rock, we know enough to think it's an awesome way to spend your 9-to-5. Seems like all you have to do is spend the artist's money and appear in a couple of their music videos bobbing your head in slow motion, baring your teeth, and occasionally falling over while holding a drink above your head.

3. Whatever it is all those fat guys driving Ferraris do
Our guess is something of ambiguous ethics if not downright illegal. Still, it must be a fantastic career with low stress, because these guys are always rolling around in tank tops in the middle of the weekday afternoon. Perks include being surrounded by people you're not sure you can trust; physically attractive women with personalities as vapid as their thoughts are vacuous; and, of course, bagel Thursdays. Hahaha, whatever, you make tons of fucking cash and can do whatever you want. That's awesome.

4. Trophy wife
The prerequisites for the job include synthetic objects implanted into your body, synthetic personalities implanted into your household, and pretending that being nouveau riche somehow blesses you with effortless class. When these women and the fat Ferrari guys hook up they create ravenous little hell-spawns Tina Fey writes movies about. But still, it's pretty good living. There's just one drawback: Miami's trophy wife market is fully saturated.

5. Software engineer
Yeah, this is a Miami list, but software engineer has been in every "top jobs" list ever since software started being engineered. Google it, we'll wait. If you notice, it's either always first place or damn close. While our friendly neighborhood Gawker wordsmith would have you believe its inclusion is some type of Freemason or Illuminati conspiracy of nerds writing these articles, he forgets it's writers who write. And writers like Hamilton Nolan do it well, what with gems like "IceCreamFireSexPerson." Quick, get Nobody on the phone and tell them we've got the next Stephenie Meyer.

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