The Mayan Apocalypse Bucket List: Five Things to Do In Miami Before We All Die
As this week's apocalypse approaches, many of us are mulling how best to spend the end times. Volunteering for charity? Spending quality time with family? Drinking ourselves into oblivion?
While all of these options sound appealing, we think the best way to spend your last hours on earth is by doing stuff you'd never do unless the end was near. Admit it -- there are lots of things you've been dying to do (ha), that you've been way too chicken to actually attempt.
10th Annual Memorial Weekend Comedy Festival
TicketsSun., May. 28, 8:00pm
Young Contemporary Dance Theatre
TicketsSat., Jun. 3, 6:00pm
The 8th Baila Flamenco Student Dance Festival
TicketsSun., Jun. 4, 1:00pm
Cuban Classical Ballet of Miami
TicketsSat., Jun. 10, 8:00pm
TicketsSun., Jun. 11, 6:00pm
So here are our top five things to do before the apocalypse sends us all into a fiery tailspin.
5. Deface the city's bad art.
It's staring at us in the Shops at Midtown, waving to us in Dadeland Station, looking down at us from the sides of buildings. Hell, Britto's jolly, glaringly colorful objets d'art serve as eyesores almost everywhere you look. And he's not the only offender.
Previously, we've made the case that defacing art, even the art that sucks, undermines the cultural development of this city. But if we're all going up in a fiery hellstorm on Friday anyway, Miami's cultural development is pretty much complete. So go to town. You know you've always wanted to take some spraypaint and destroy those suckers. Just think of all the pretty profanity you could create.
4. Max out those credit cards.
Miami's known for ultra-expensive restaurants and nightclubs and other experiences that are mostly reserved for society's upper crust. It's all overrated, of course, but that doesn't mean you don't deserve to see what it feels like to roll down Ocean Drive in a bright yellow rented Lamborghini like a douchey tourist. Stroll coolly into to Prime One Twelve, and eat like royalty, ordering the most expensive steaks, several $1,000 bottles of wine, and every dessert on the menu. Hell, buy drinks for the house. Then, take your talents to LIV, and do it up celebrity style, popping bottles and schmoozing with A-listers. Why should the rich and famous have all the fun? The world's ending anyway, and at least you'll go out with a little luxury.
3. Turn a fire hose on the Real Housewives
Miami's superficial culture has wrecked the self-esteem of regular girls for far too long -- and the Real Housewives, with their modeling careers, savage facelifts, and "boob palaces," embody that ideal better than anything else. You know you want to see what they look like without those masks of makeup on. If only water could wash away bad plastic surgery.
Thomas Hawk / Flickr CC
2. Take a ride in the Club Madonna limo.
Ever wonder what exactly happens behind those tinted windows? You probably have a pretty good idea, but since you'll only have a few days to deal with whatever itching or burning sensation you pick up back there, now's the time to find out for sure. This logic also applies to the back rooms of strip clubs, pulling over for the ladies of the night roaming Biscayne Boulevard's motel district at 4 a.m., and answering ads in the back pages of New Times.
1. Give a-hole drivers their due.
If only car karma existed, and the morons cutting you off sans turn signal or doing 35 mph on 95 got their comeuppance the natural way. Sadly, that's rarely the case, so as the world ends, why not take matters into your own hands? Avoid injuring anyone, of course (no one wants to go to the afterlife with that on their conscience), but do some serious damage to their vehicles? Don't mind if we do. And give some special attention to the neon yellow Corvettes and shiny Bentleys of the world.
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