The Five Most DTF Suits at Mercedes-Benz Fashion Week Swim 2015
Swimsuits leave very little to the imagination. Think about it -- it's pretty much like wearing a bra and underwear out in public (sometimes even more so than their intimate, interior cousins).
So it's only natural that spending a weekend looking at bronzed models in tiny, little Lycra things, strutting the runway with fabric wedged between their perfectly sculpted cheeks, bazongas of all shapes and sizes bouncing emphatically up and down, would lead your mind straight into the gutter.
Of course, some suits are raunchier than others; they practically jump out at you and cry, "Do me!" And even if your partner's a prude who still won't participate in the act of fornication, even after that candlelit, deep tissue massage to a Sade soundtrack, one of the following suits displayed at this year's MBFW Swim runway shows, ought to do the trick. Trust us.
Here are the five suits - or ideas - that bear the DTF seal of approval.
Dollhouse Dance Factory: Bring It! Live
TicketsSat., Jul. 1, 8:00pm
TicketsSat., Jul. 8, 8:30pm
You're a Good Man Charlie Brown: Young Professionals
TicketsSat., Jul. 15, 2:00pm
Big Band Concerts with the Florida Wind Symphony
TicketsSat., Jul. 15, 7:00pm
Miami Curves Week Presents: Curves & Comedy
TicketsFri., Jul. 21, 9:00pm
The intent of this show was to demonstrate a very 1960s, Barberella, intergalactic theme within the confines of the Cabana Grande tent last Friday. We perceived it, however, as a bunch of horny strippers, done up in really big hair, molded by really cheap hairspray. These are no swimsuits; they're costumes you find at Play Things to get your borderline asexual man in the mood. Don't forget the thigh-high, leather boots, and while you're at it, a pole! And to add to the equation, why not take up some of those booty-shakin' classes at Spinderella? He won't know what hit him come Friday night.
Okay, so we're not talking about the swimsuit per se in the above image. But seriously, what does this 'do remind you of? During the first show of Friday evening's line-up, Dolores Cortes displayed erect ponytails of all shapes and sizes - some short, some curved, some floppy, other completely vertical, and not to mention, long. Hey, every little bit of inspiration counts. Try it and report back to us. This could be the start of a beautiful bedtime trend.
If you want to take the LA Confidential-meets-Bond girl approach to enticing your man into the sack, this is your look. Your areolas will practically do all the talking. And it will especially be more believable if you slick back your hair and give it a wet, moppy look to really play into the whole Sharon-Stone theme, or even Halle Berry emerging out of the ocean in slow motion - you can do it, we have faith.
If this doesn't scream freaks and fetishes, ladies and gents, then we don't know what does. Up for a little role-play? Maaji's runway show on Saturday night humbly gave you a couple of brilliant ideas. Dress up like a jockey and do what jockeys do best - mount your "horse" and ride! Guys, you can get in on all the fun too, as the Chippendales-looking blokes came a'flexin on the catwalk with a restricting, cheesy bow tie clasped around their thick necks. We strongly recommend you add a whip too because, duh, fetish.
Might we tempt you to an orange-dyed loincloth? It would be very "Crazy in Love" of you. In fact, you might even give Yonce a run for her money in this.
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