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The Five Most Annoying Things About Miami

Whatever she's saying, it involves "dale."
Whatever she's saying, it involves "dale."
Shit Miami Girls Say

Every city in the world has things that piss its residents off. New York has its impossible real estate market. Los Angeles has the smog. Paris has all those damn French people.

Miami is no different. Hell, we're the most dominant city in a state constantly making headlines for stupid shit like "Bush gets elected because one state can't count." Spain has been secretly high-fiving itself for ceding Florida two centuries ago. That's not to say Florida is terrible or anything -- it has a number of redeeming qualities, like, water, and stuff.

Cultist loves Miami. Still, it's healthy to air your grievances. So we're going to list this town's most annoying qualities with zero regard to relevance or qualification -- exactly how the Republicans field candidates these days.

5. "Dale"
Stop it. FUCKING STOP IT

RIGHT NOW. In addition to making music, Pitbull has done a lot of other harmful things to human society. Introducing "dale" to the mainstream Miami

lexicon is one of those egregious lapses in judgment.

In the 13th century, Genghis Khan raped and pillaged 1/3 of the planet. It's

estimated that roughly 0.5% of the world's population is a descendent of

Khan, which goes to show his utter rampaging of the lands. He killed

millions and conquered enough geography to make Alexander the Great shit

his skirt.

We'd rather go back in time and poke him with a stick repeatedly than hear anyone say "dale" ever again.

4. Homeless people with elaborate stories / Homeless "I'll watch your car" guys
If

you've ever walked around downtown for more than 20 seconds you've

probably encountered someone who comes up to you and gives you one of

these: "Hey, you speak English?" It starts out innocently enough until

you realize he hasn't showered since Lindsay Lohan was hot. Then he

follows up some bullshit sob story which he precedes with, "I'm not

going to ask you for money, I swear," right before asking you for money.

In

the same vein, the guys who will "watch your car" for you in the

shadier areas of Miami. They give you no guarantee that they'll stop any

sort of crime in progress, only that they'll watch it go down and

probably leave before you suspect them.

 

3. Miami drivers
Whenever

you're speaking with someone from out of town and they bring up how

terrible their city's traffic is and how they "must have the worst

drivers imaginable," you probably want to shoot them with your Unfounded Hyperbole Gun. Miami has, unequivocally, the worst drivers in the

United States. Outside the U.S. is a different story, because we've heard

reports that third world countries don't have traffic laws, they have

traffic "suggestions" and that their traffic signs are merely "ironic

hipster placards."

This might as well be the situation.
This might as well be the situation.
Flickr CC PDFdj

Flickr CC PDFdj
This might as well be the situation.

The

turn signal is Fidelista shit around here; the passing lane is

communist help-thy-neighbor malarkey; and people earn points on their

license like they stock up on credit card airline miles. While we may

not hold the record for commute times in traffic, we sure as hell

monopolize the "Jesus-tittyfucking-Christ monkey balls, I want to murder

that son of a bitch blocking the intersection and refusing to make eye

contact with me so I can give him the 'you fucked up' stare."

2. Quoting the "Shit Miami says" videos
Yes,

it was funny, and yes, it was pretty on point. Still, that's no excuse

to ask for the cheapest pink wine and then laugh incessantly about it

and ask everyone at the table if they watched it. Pulling out your phone

and showing everyone a video at the dinner table only makes it worse.

Exclaiming that it's, like, suuuuper funny as some sort of meta joke within a joke makes us want to vomit glass and listen to Fat Joe order a pizza.

If

you want to bring it up, just ask if they've ever seen it. If the

answer is no, tell them to. If the answer is yes, don't quote every line

(and butcher it in the process.)

Synonym for "STOP".

1. "COMPRO CARROS" text messages

No

one likes spam. Anyone who falls for these spam texts is a complete

buffoon, and you can't really report them since they bust out with a new

number each time they text. Think about what this is like: It's someone

randomly coming up to you and yelling in your ear about how they'll pay

you for your shitty car, then walking away. Then he comes back later

with a fake mustache and a different accent and yells the same thing.

We're not really sure where they're harvesting these phone numbers from,

but they blatantly disregard the federal Do Not Call registry.

But our water, dude? Really nice.

Follow Cultist on Facebook and Twitter @CultistMiami.


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