The Best and Worst Super Bowl 2014 Commercials
The game is over, the tears have been shed, and the Seattle Seahawks are going to spend the next six months bathing in Jacuzzis spilling over with champagne and thong-clad white women.
But while many Americans focused on Peyton Manning's sorry interception face, some of us fast forwarded to the commercials, greedily-lapping up every wonderful drop of American commercialism.
It seems every year before the Super Bowl, Madison Avenue shares notes because a yearly commercial theme becomes a little too obvious. Probably because the combined creativity of all those ad agencies isn't even close to what a 4-year old and a pack of crayons is capable of.
This years theme was obvious: celebrity appearances. Whether it was Stephen Colbert, Sean Astin, or Terry Crews, the people that fill the backgrounds of movies and TV shows got paid, and got paid big time.
Dollhouse Dance Factory: Bring It! Live
TicketsSat., Jul. 1, 8:00pm
TicketsSat., Jul. 8, 8:30pm
You're a Good Man Charlie Brown: Young Professionals
TicketsSat., Jul. 15, 2:00pm
Big Band Concerts with the Florida Wind Symphony
TicketsSat., Jul. 15, 7:00pm
Miami Curves Week Presents: Curves & Comedy
TicketsFri., Jul. 21, 9:00pm
But you want to know one thing: who was a hit, and who missed? We've got your back. Here are the worst and best of the Super Bowl XLVIII commercials.
Commercials That Sucked
6. Toyota - Highlander Commercial feat. Muppets and Terry Crews
Oh my god, Terry Crews ended up without his shirt on? Thank you Toyota. On the other hand, any reason to get the Muppets back on television is well worth it. Especially if it features Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem, and not Miss Piggy emasculating Kermit the Frog.
5. T-Mobile - What Can Tim Tebow Do With #nocontract
Tim Tebow has as much personality as a glass of water. From everything we know about Tebow, namely that he's a hardcore Christian guy, we know that he'd never have the balls to grow such an amazing mustache. The devil lives in mustaches that amazing, just ask Tom Selleck. At least he's figured out what to do since he'll never play football again. Next stop: male prostitute.
4. Chrysler - We Will Build Your Car
Did anyone else find this commercial racist? Asia, you build our phones? Germany, you make our beers? Plus, is anyone's soul not for sale? I mean, Bob Dylan for christ sake selling cars, what is this world coming to? If Bob Dylan would've made a time machine in the '60s and saw himself doing this commercial today he would've probably kicked himself in the balls really, really hard.
3. Honda - HugFest
I'm not quite sure I understand this commercial, other than thinking that Fred Armistead has a really weird face. On the other hand, everything I've heard about Bruce Willis from Kevin Smith, from the time they worked on Cop Out together, let's me know that this is totally disingenuous. Bruce Willis is a prick, and no cute Honda commercial should ever make you forget it.
2. Hyundai - Nice Hashtag
In this one, the dude from The Big Bang Theory, and Richard Lewis, are chasing down some random chick, because... wait, why is Richard Lewis in a car with the dude from The Big Bang Theory? This commercial is stupid. Why are they jumping through flaming hoops? LOUD VOICES!
1. KIA K9000 Morpheus "The Truth"
From the same wonderful country that brought America "Gangnam Style," we are given this deliciously horrible piece of horse shit. The Wachowski Brothers did enough to ruin the legacy of The Matrix by releasing The Matrix 2 and 3, but now Kia has turned Morpheus into a singing car spokesperson? Go bleep yourself, Kia.
Commercials That Didn't Suck
6. Wonderful Pistachio's Stephen Colbert
This commercial could've been left alone after the first part. Just something understated, without looking to put bells and whistles on everything. It's like getting a Christmas Tree and decorating it with fireworks. Sometimes the little angel on the top is enough. And by angel, we mean the majestic North American Bald Eagle.
5. Audi Doberhuahua
Who doesn't love freakish hounds? Sarah McLachlan's epic meta-lols helped take this commercial all the way.
It's like RadioShack made a commercial based on my childhood. The number of '80s and '90s references only number the amount of tears I shed at their lack of continued existence.
3. Bud Light - Ian Up For Whatever
The follow up to this commercial will be called "Why Ian Up For Whatever Had To Kill Himself." Imagine this guy's life after this moment. Thanks for nothing Bud Light, giving this regular guy a peek into awesomeness, for what? What's he left with? A hankering for Bud Light and a giant hole of emptiness that could only be filled by Reggie Watts being Ian's in house personal DJ. Welcome to a lifetime of relative mediocrity Ian.
2. Seinfeld Comedians In Cars Getting Coffee
How is it that Jerry Seinfeld looks like he's aged at least half a century, while Wayne Knight and Jason Alexander look almost exactly the same. I suppose it's the price of success, or as some may postulate, the price of Jerry Seinfeld selling his soul to the devil. Nonetheless, this is drawing on our nostalgic heartstrings, despite the lack of a well placed "Newman."
1. Dannon Oikos - Full House Reunion
Has a commercial ever excited children of the '90s more than what Dannon did here? But here's one important question: were anorexia poster children the Olson Twins not available? Was Candace Cameron too busy extolling the strengths of being a traditional woman to come out for a brief appearance to sell Greek yogurt? Well, it doesn't matter. It's amazing how such a simple appearance can make so many people happy.
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