Let’s be, um, blunt: This isn’t your abuela’s guide to Miami. This might not even be your black-sheep-of-the-family primo’s guide to Miami. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.
Whether you call it weed, pot, dope, bud, kush, grass, ganja, Mary Jane, reefer, chronic, herb, green, or even broccoli, one thing potheads and stoners agree on is that a good high is only as good as the location and the people. Although getting stoned in your apartment in Kendall might sound appealing after you sat in rush-hour traffic for more than an hour on the Palmetto, we promise you there are spots in Miami where you're guaranteed a good high time. Plus, you might even get to explore a part of the city you’ve never seen.
Scroll down, pick your poison, gather your friends in the group text, and order your Uber. Here’s your ultimate guide to going out stoned in Miami.
Photo by Marta Xochilt Perez
1. Gramps. Between trivia night and Villain Theater on Tuesdays, bingo night on Wednesdays, karaoke night on Thursdays, Friday Nite Live, and live performances throughout the weekend, this indoor-outdoor bar scores our top spot. Plus, with room to roam, dim lighting, a pizza shop inside called Pizza Tropical for when you get the munchies, and an awesome patio with unique seating arrangements, some of which are even blocked from clear view by walls, bushes, or a stage (very subtle), this Wynwood gem is a no-brainer. 176 NW 24th St., Miami; 305-699-2669; gramps.com. Sunday through Wednesday 11 a.m. to 1 a.m., Thursday through Saturday 11 a.m. to 3 a.m.
Courtesy of Wood Tavern
2. Wood Tavern. Although even your dad has probably heard of Wood Tavern at this point, there’s a reason a line snakes out the entrance every single weekend. From their large patio, complete with nearly a dozen communal tables, two wooden bleachers full of young people vibing and mingling, a makeshift dance floor, a DJ posted up in a colorful booth, large murals, and, best of all, tacos, you can’t go wrong with Wood Tavern. Did we mention tacos? Yeah, tacos. Munchies level: Expert. 2531 NW Second Ave., Miami; 305-748-2828; woodtavern.com. Tuesday through Saturday 5 p.m. to 3 a.m., Sunday 3 p.m. to midnight, Monday closed.
See you on the dark side of the moon.
3. Phillip and Patricia Frost Museum of Science. As SNL's Stefon would say, Miami’s brand-new, multimillion-dollar science museum has it all: an impressive shark tank, state-of-the-art laser shows, and a light-up dance floor that responds to your steps with trippy special effects. Plus, the Frost Planetarium, with 16-million-color 8K projections, surround sound, and a 67-foot dome screen, takes you on dazzling visual odysseys to outer space. The dome is tilted forward at 23.5 degrees, allowing it to fill your field of vision as if you’re flying — imagery comes at you from above, below, and the periphery, creating a nearly 360-degree view of whatever world you’re in. You'll leave feeling stoned whether you've smoked or not. 1101 Biscayne Blvd., Miami; 305-434-9600; frostscience.org. Monday through Sunday 9 a.m. to 6 p.m.
This dog loves Haulover.
Photo by Ines Hegedus-Garcia/Flickr
4. Haulover Beach Park. With food truck nights on Tuesdays, families playing sports, kite-flying, clear waters, a clean beach — one that’s much less crowded than South Beach — and breathtaking views of the sunset, this beach park is perfect for relaxing after getting a buzz. Haulover also boasts a stretch of clothing-optional beach. Therefore, if you forget to pack a swimsuit or are trying to avoid tan lines, this place is for you. And if you're there during "dog beach" hours, it's for your furry best friend too. 10800 Collins Ave., Miami Beach; 305-947-3525; miamiandbeaches.com. Sunrise to sunset.
5. O Cinema. If your ideal night usually involves Netflix and a couch, switch it up by watching an independent film at O Cinema. With three locations in Miami, including one right next to the Wynwood Yard, the cinema combines the chill vibes you crave while giving you a treat for your eyes on the screen. Plus, you’ll be supporting independent film and a locally owned theater. 90 NW 29th St., Miami; 305-571-9970; o-cinema.org. Thursday through Friday 6 p.m. to midnight, Saturday through Sunday 2 p.m. to midnight.
6. Sweat Records. One of the best record stores in Miami, Sweat Records provides the exact atmosphere many people crave when they’re a little stoned yet want to do something culturally interesting. You can lose yourself in a large collection of vinyl records, ranging from classic rock 'n’ roll to contemporary pop. You can snack at a coffee shop that sells tea and vegan snacks nestled right inside. Or you can simply zone out to whatever hip music is playing while you're there. This spot might become a new go-to for lovers of music and weed. Plus, when the shop closes, you can head next door to Churchill’s Pub, where you can catch a live performance and grab a drink. 5505 NE Second Ave., Miami; 786-693-9309; sweatrecordsmiami.com. Monday through Saturday noon to 10 p.m., Sunday noon to 5 p.m.
7. Zoo Miami. This might sound cliché, but being high at the zoo is fun. Although this option might not be ideal during the hot summer, casually strolling through the zoo while enthusiastically taking Snapchat videos of all the animals and leisurely reading the plaques next to each animal habitat will have you feeling stress-free. 12400 SW 152nd St., Miami; 305-251-0400; zoomiami.org. Monday through Sunday 10 a.m. to 5 p.m.
Photo by Chris Garcia / Courtesy of the GMCVB – MiamiandBeaches.com
8. Matheson Hammock Park. Just off of scenic Old Cutler Road in Coral Gables is the relaxing and beautiful Matheson Hammock Park. This place is so pretty it's often used for quinceañera pictures. With a beach, kayak and kiteboarding rentals, picnic benches, lakes, and even the romantic restaurant Red Fish Grill overlooking the water, Matheson Hammock is the perfect park for those looking for a classy, peaceful vibe. 9610 Old Cutler Rd., Miami; 305-665-5475; miamidade.gov. The park is open sunrise to sunset; Red Fish Grill is open 6 to 10 p.m. weekdays except Monday (when it's closed) and 5 to 10 p.m. Saturday and Sunday.
Photo by Michael DeAngelis
9. Bill Baggs Cape Florida State Park. From bike rentals and picnic areas to a restaurant and historic lighthouse, this park is a favorite for many reasons. Relax on the beach, crack up at all of the grouchy-looking iguanas eyeing you, or set up a barbecue while taking in the breathtaking scenery. Pro tip: Climb to the top of the Cape Florida Lighthouse to catch the sunset. 1200 Crandon Blvd., Key Biscayne; 305-361-5811; floridastateparks.org. Monday through Sunday 8 a.m. to 8 p.m.
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Courtesy of the Greater Miami Convention and Visitors Bureau
10. Hobie Island Beach Park. Last but not least, we had to include this nostalgic spot on “the Key,” where countless South Florida teens have smoked for the first time, right below the Rickenbacker Causeway. Don’t let the bustling cars overhead deter you, because this beach is always packed with families, dogs, and teens as people wait to catch the sunset behind the gorgeous Miami skyline. You’ll seriously feel like a teenager again. 3501 Rickenbacker Cswy., Key Biscayne; 305-361-2833; miamiandbeaches.com. Sunrise to sunset.