Ten Ways to Beat the Dog Days of Summer

The "dog days" of summer is a period of time from July to

September marked as the hottest, most humid time of the year. It's name is

derived from the ancient Roman practice of sacrificing a dog to appease the

weather gods. But just because it's warming up in Miami doesn't mean you have

to go around killing dogs too!

We've whipped up some quick,

surefire ways to beat that summer heat. Most don't cost that much and there's little chance of actual jail time. Prepare to cool off:

10. Break open a fire hydrant

Remember when you were a kid and you and the neighborhood

gang would cool off by popping off a hydrant and playing in the water, No, you

don't because you were a shut in who didn't have friends thanks to your

overbearing father. Why not make up for lost memories and try it now, though?

Unfortunately breaking open a hydrant takes a lot of upper body strength. It's

much easier to start a house fire, wait for the strong firemen to come and let

them open up the fire hydrant so you can cool off.

9. Find somewhere that has air-conditioning

Very simple. If it's hot outside, go inside somewhere where

it is cold. A lot of people would suggest going to see a movie, but most summer

movies suck and cost thirty-seven dollars. Alcoholics Anonymous meetings are usually in well-ventilated churches and usually give you

complimentary refreshments and usually provide much better entertainment than you would find at the multiplex.

8. Fry an egg on the street

If it really gets unbearably hot this summer don't fight it.

Instead embrace it by cooking up a fried egg using nothing but the convection

heat retained in concrete. But why stop there? Get ambitious and see if you can't

whip up some stir fry on the street. Don't try to eat anything though, it's

highly unsanitary and may even be harmful to your health. Instead, serve it up

to your dad, who always was critical of your cooking skills.

7. Gamble on the weather

If you can't control the weather, you might as well make

some money off of it. Go to your local bookie (and if you don't have a bookie just ask any Armenian person and they can point you in the right direction)

and put some cash down that tomorrow's temperature will be ninety degrees or

more. Sure the payout won't be big, but it's a bet you likely won't lose,

unlike that bet you made on the kind of Heat during the playoffs that you still may get

a pinky cut off for.

6. Go to Australia

While this is an expensive tactic, buying a ticket to

Australia for the summer is a surefire way to beat the heat. When it's summer

in the northern hemisphere, it's winter in the southern hemisphere. So pack up

your scarves and be sure to tell the locals how much you love shrimp on the barbie, vegemite, and Foster's beer. They love it when tourists do that.

5. Roadtrip somewhere

Hop in the car, roll down the windows, go at least 50 miles

per hour and let the open road be your air-conditioning. After a day and a half

of traveling, you should be adequately cooled off. (Note: do not attempt this

if you don't have gas money to get somewhere and back, or else you may wind up

stuck somewhere awful like South Carolina.)

4. Turn your pants into short-shorts

That's right, break out you scissors and cut off every pair

of pants you know just two and a half inches below the crotch. It's a simple

act of defiance that says, "I will not be shackled to these heat retaining

symbols of sartorial oppression anymore!" Damn the consequences, even if they

may mean ruining hundreds of dollars worth of clothes, get you fired, or make

you register as a sex offender.

3. Go ice skating

It's a no brainer, your local skating rink will let you stay

on ice, which is usually very cold, for hours at an time. You could try to play

a pickup game of hockey, but that's a one way ticket to the hospital. Try

squeezing into your old leotard and practice some Salchow jumps. Who's the

fairy for taking five years of ice dancing lessons now, dad?

2. Stay hydrated

One of the most important things to remember during the peak

of summer is to take in plenty of liquids to keep your body temperature low.

Scientists will tell you that you should drink eight glasses of water, but who

likes drinking water? Lame people. We suggest you take in plenty of diet soda,

straight vodka, and rolls of ecstasy, all of which are known for combating


1. Tell off your dad

This actually won't help you beat the heat at all. But

doesn't it feel good to get out all those years of pent up aggression? Maybe

you will even go play catch afterwards! (Don't play catch though; it's much too

hot for that.)

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