Ten Ways to Beat the Dog Days of Summer
The "dog days" of summer is a period of time from July to
September marked as the hottest, most humid time of the year. It's name is
derived from the ancient Roman practice of sacrificing a dog to appease the
weather gods. But just because it's warming up in Miami doesn't mean you have
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to go around killing dogs too!
We've whipped up some quick,
surefire ways to beat that summer heat. Most don't cost that much and there's little chance of actual jail time. Prepare to cool off:
10. Break open a fire hydrant
Remember when you were a kid and you and the neighborhood
gang would cool off by popping off a hydrant and playing in the water, No, you
don't because you were a shut in who didn't have friends thanks to your
overbearing father. Why not make up for lost memories and try it now, though?
Unfortunately breaking open a hydrant takes a lot of upper body strength. It's
much easier to start a house fire, wait for the strong firemen to come and let
them open up the fire hydrant so you can cool off.
9. Find somewhere that has air-conditioning
Very simple. If it's hot outside, go inside somewhere where
it is cold. A lot of people would suggest going to see a movie, but most summer
movies suck and cost thirty-seven dollars. Alcoholics Anonymous meetings are usually in well-ventilated churches and usually give you
complimentary refreshments and usually provide much better entertainment than you would find at the multiplex.
8. Fry an egg on the street
If it really gets unbearably hot this summer don't fight it.
Instead embrace it by cooking up a fried egg using nothing but the convection
heat retained in concrete. But why stop there? Get ambitious and see if you can't
whip up some stir fry on the street. Don't try to eat anything though, it's
highly unsanitary and may even be harmful to your health. Instead, serve it up
to your dad, who always was critical of your cooking skills.
7. Gamble on the weather
If you can't control the weather, you might as well make
some money off of it. Go to your local bookie (and if you don't have a bookie just ask any Armenian person and they can point you in the right direction)
and put some cash down that tomorrow's temperature will be ninety degrees or
more. Sure the payout won't be big, but it's a bet you likely won't lose,
unlike that bet you made on the kind of Heat during the playoffs that you still may get
a pinky cut off for.
6. Go to Australia
While this is an expensive tactic, buying a ticket to
Australia for the summer is a surefire way to beat the heat. When it's summer
in the northern hemisphere, it's winter in the southern hemisphere. So pack up
your scarves and be sure to tell the locals how much you love shrimp on the barbie, vegemite, and Foster's beer. They love it when tourists do that.
5. Roadtrip somewhere
Hop in the car, roll down the windows, go at least 50 miles
per hour and let the open road be your air-conditioning. After a day and a half
of traveling, you should be adequately cooled off. (Note: do not attempt this
if you don't have gas money to get somewhere and back, or else you may wind up
stuck somewhere awful like South Carolina.)
4. Turn your pants into short-shorts
That's right, break out you scissors and cut off every pair
of pants you know just two and a half inches below the crotch. It's a simple
act of defiance that says, "I will not be shackled to these heat retaining
symbols of sartorial oppression anymore!" Damn the consequences, even if they
may mean ruining hundreds of dollars worth of clothes, get you fired, or make
you register as a sex offender.
3. Go ice skating
It's a no brainer, your local skating rink will let you stay
on ice, which is usually very cold, for hours at an time. You could try to play
a pickup game of hockey, but that's a one way ticket to the hospital. Try
squeezing into your old leotard and practice some Salchow jumps. Who's the
fairy for taking five years of ice dancing lessons now, dad?
2. Stay hydrated
One of the most important things to remember during the peak
of summer is to take in plenty of liquids to keep your body temperature low.
Scientists will tell you that you should drink eight glasses of water, but who
likes drinking water? Lame people. We suggest you take in plenty of diet soda,
straight vodka, and rolls of ecstasy, all of which are known for combating
1. Tell off your dad
This actually won't help you beat the heat at all. But
doesn't it feel good to get out all those years of pent up aggression? Maybe
you will even go play catch afterwards! (Don't play catch though; it's much too
hot for that.)
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