Ten Valentine's Day Gifts That Say "I Want to Dump You"
We've all been there. Things aren't going well in your relationship. Every time your boyfriend says your name, the hot metallic taste that precipitates vomiting fills your mouth. Or that sing-songy way your girlfriend wishes you "Good mor-ning!" It used to make you feel grateful to be alive. Now it makes you want to take a cheese grater to her face and just chafe away until there's nothing left to make any sound -- ever again.
10. A doll made entirely of her own hair.
you're too wimpy to actually tell your girlfriend to get out of your
life, your only option is to scare her out of your life. You can raid the shower
drain for a few weeks prior to the big day, or if you don't have time,
hit up the local salon (tell them you're an experimental artist ― that
seems to excuse almost every type of anti-social behavior). Tie the
grody clippings up with a couple of wires, ribbons, and maybe some
googly eyes from A.C. Moore. Maintain a freaky hollow-eyed stare as you
say, "I've been collecting these since the first day we met," allowing a
little spittle to settle on your lower lip. That girl is sure to give
you the break up you've been craving as soon as your creepy creation
hits her palms.
is enough to make most people look for the exit on a romantic
relationship. If it doesn't work, try a Renaissance fair or a monster truck rally, depending on which display of poor taste is more likely to
inspire contempt in your unlucky Valentine.
course, the beauty here is that you tell her they're real, that you
spent your life savings on them. You let her squirm and suspect and then
finally come up with the brilliant idea to "get them insured," meaning
have somebody verify what she already knows: that you're a dirty,
repulsive liar. When she confronts you, you laugh and say, "The
appraiser must have thought you were such an idiot!" The rest should
take care of itself.
this?" your boyfriend asks when he finds the certificate tucked inside
your valentine, his voice hurt and bewildered. You answer, "Aw honey,
it's Valentine's Day! See who's out there! I did! And I have a date to
get to! And he's a doctor! Ta-ta!" Done and done-er.
The Latin name for this unfortunate specimen is amorphophallus titanum,
which means "giant misshapen penis." Its looks
live up to its name, while its smell is reminiscent of decomposing meat.
If you absolutely must use this method of breaking up with your man or
woman, it's going to take some dedication. You'll first have to purchase
the "tuber" or seedling from this web site,
and then you'll have to nurture it for at least a year. So you may have to wait until next
Valentine's Day to go through with the plan. But come on, how many
people can say that they broke up with a boyfriend by giving him a
ten-foot smelly plant dick? It'll totally be worth it.
you're going to try this, make sure the guy gets angry enough to break
the mug against the wall or on the floor during the break-up talk. If
not, you've got to find a way to reclaim the object before you leave the
scene, or you might have a nasty blackmail situation on your hands.
you'd like to pull off this break up with as much arrogance as
possible, this might be the perfect gift set for you to give. The old
cliché is that people tend to eat and cry their sorrows away after
particularly difficult break ups. If you're confident your soon-to-be ex
is really really gonna miss you, this is a great way to go. And, unless
they're really pathetic, chances are they won't be calling you after
such a disgustingly self-aggrandizing display.
3. OhMiBod music powered vibrator.
on the couple, this could be misread as a "let's spice things up"
Valentine's Day gift instead of a break up gift. The difference lies in
what you program into the accompanying iPod. Whitesnake's "Here I Go
Again on My Own," Jason DeRulo's "Ridin' Solo," or if you're really
cruel, The Beatles' "Eleanor Rigby" should get the real message across.
2. A tarantula.
because the days of pet names are far behind you two doesn't mean you
can't have a little fun with animals. Many zoos throughout the country
have programs whereby you can adopt a beast in another person's name.
The Zoo Miami offers such unappetizing choices as the blood
python, the hyena and the warthog, while the Cheyenne Mountain Zoo in
Colorado Springs, Colorado offers a range of slithery creatures like
Burton's legless lizard, the Nigerian dwarf goat, and the striped skunk.
Whatever heinous abomination you find appropriate will certainly get
the intended message across to your Valentine, while also keeping some
ugly animal fed for another few days. Win-win.
is an oldie, but a goodie. Except of course for the fact that in order
to give gonorrhea, you have to have gonorrhea. But heck, at least now
you can give gonorrhea to whomever you choose, whenever you choose, free
of guilt. Or something. Happy Valentine's Day!
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