Ten Tricks to Surviving a Horror Movie
A scary movie is nothing but a pattern; a circumstantial plot that moves from one point to the next,systematically taking its viewers into a familiar world. In one version the chick might be the hero, while in another she's the victim. There are serial killers and ghosts, and there's always some idiot who does the opposite of what the audience is telling him to do.
But the thing is, no matter the premise, horror flicks are adrenaline-based entertainment that drag their audiences through the mud and back again, throwing obstacles at them from all angles without a care in the world about feelings, stress, or any other emotion. Now, before you run out to the local video store and pull together a movie marathon of serial killers through the ages, let's imagine if you were the star of this year's most successful blood-filled romp; there's a masked murderer on your tail, your friends are getting picked off one by one, and the only end in sight is a coffin (or a sequel). The question is how would you survive? What set of rules should you follow? And how should you follow them? (If you even survived past the opening sequence.)
The set up is there. You're a potential horror movie victim. Whether it's a vampire after your blood, a ghost trying to drag you into the, or a masked killer seeking revenge- there's a set of rules to follow. Just ask Randy in the Scream films; and whatever you do, don't say 'I'll be right back."
10. If it's taboo, don't even think about doing it.
Don't have sex. Don't do drugs. Don't drink. Basically you should avoid South Beach and remain virginal if you plan on surviving this movie. And if you take drugs, you might as well have your dealer sign the death certificate.
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9. Make sure your friends have different wireless providers
It never fails; cell phones just do not work in times of crisis. The battery runs out. There's no service. It breaks unexpectedly due to stupidity or violence. The safest bet is to make sure that you and your friends not only have different cell phones but also different providers; the Verizon Wireless guy can't hear you if the forces of nature are working against you. And never depend on landlines; those are the first to go. They're not economical, anyway.
8. Be prepared to take a spill
Whether you're running from a creature or some dude wielding a machete, chances are you're going to fall flat on your face at least once. Especially if you're a chick. Also keep in mind that whatever is following you is going to catch up with you- so chances are, if you're being pursued, you will die. It's best to throw on a pair of sneakers and run as fast as you can; maybe if your character is interesting enough, they'll keep you around for the sequel- or the dreaded franchise-killing prequel.
7. Rid yourself of friends that will get you killed
The idiot who says you need to split up is going to get you killed. The friend who gets bitten by a zombie and slowly starts to show signs of becoming a zombie- he's going to die anyway. If your friend is moonlighting as a demon, vampire, werewolf or other unsightly creature- run. And if there's any indication that your boyfriend may want to exact revenge over his parents' divorce or because you made lustful eyes at some jock during prom, split up and move. It may sound over dramatic, but you'll thank us later.
6. Don't underestimate the underdog
The underdog could be your greatest asset or your worst enemy. He's either going to be the guy that saves the day or takes your life. And whatever you do, don't, under any circumstances, be part of a group that picks on the underdog- otherwise you'll have a Jason Voorhees situation on your hands.
5. Avoid stupid cliches
Investigating a strange noise probably isn't the smartest idea. If a small town looks creepy or abandoned, keep driving. And always, always check the backseat of your car. Chances are, if it seems too simple, it isn't. You should go ahead and avoid those stereotypes.
4. Geographical locations do matter- relocate if necessary
Finding yourself in a horror movie is one thing; but putting yourself into one by living in a specific area is another. Anywhere in the deep south breeds vampires, so does Transylvania; Amityville, Elm Street, small mid-western or New England towns; Area 51; basically, if it seems strange, it probably is- and you should move immediately.
3. Arm yourself with the best weapons possible
If you're fighting a vampire and the rule is that a vampire needs to be staked; carry a stake. If it's werewolves, don't be afraid to overstock your supply of silver bullets. And if a serial killer is invincible, I suggest an axe or an AK-47. Either way, that butter knife in your mom's drawer isn't going to help you.
2. Remember that transportation is important
Keep a fresh car battery around, if possible. Or at least jumper cables. Slow mobility is not going to help you (skateboards, golf carts, etc.) If you have access to a boat; use it. Remember though; nothing is really safe in this category. Just ask the kids in Final Destination.
1. Finally- do your research!
Take a break from the screaming and running for about ten minutes and research what you're up against. Know your enemy. More importantly, remember that the rules are constantly changing, and by the time you get to the sequel, the chances are this article won't be of any use to you. Or you'll be dead.
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