Because we think it's funny when inferior animals try to mimic our superior human ways. Especially when they're trying to do things that require a thumb -- which only us, the mighty homo sapiens (and okay, maybe another smelly primate or two) have, making their feeble attempts to be like us HILARIOUS.
Silly animals. Stick to what you're good at -- producing our food, glue,
and purses. Oh yeah, and you're also pretty decent at being our pets. Thanks.
Which is why on this holiest of holidays, What If Cats and Dogs Had Opposable Thumbs Day, we've decided to give you glimpse into a world where cats and dogs can do things that require thumbs.
1. They would play pool.
Hey, all dogs like balls. They like to sniff them, lick them, even bite them. Uh, get your mind out of the gutter, we're not talking about the kind that dangle, we're talking tennis balls. And once dogs figure out that they can't sink their teeth into a billiard ball, we figure they'll utilize their next favorite thing to fetch -- a stick.
2. They would become gamers.
Cats sleep an estimated 15 hours a day. So do a lot of adolescent gamers. Plus, with cats getting their bloodlust-fill virtually, imagine all the mice and lizards' lives that will be spared! Viva vermin!
3. They would use doorknobs.
Because they can! Mailmen, watch your back.
4. They would thumb wrestle.
5. They would tie their own shoes.
Hey, we've got hoodies and tiaras for pets, why not shoes? And dogs will only have to learn how to tie, no need for untying. We know from thousands of pairs of ruined pumps they know how to desecrate a great pair of Jimmy Choos. They can just chew their feet free.
6. They would critique movies.
Not surprisingly, they're rating Cats -- The Musical in this picture.
7. They would use lighters.
Much like cats and adolescent gamers, dogs also like to sleep 15 hours out of the day. And, honestly, what better way to spend those other 9 other than stoned? And if dogs start smoking cigarettes (you're welcome Truth Campaign) not only will it make you laugh, it'll eventually muffle their barks to such a degree they'll be no need for bark collars...or Caesar Milan anymore.
8. They would play instruments.
Can we say Josie and the Pussycats and Three Dog Night actualized? Alright, okay, we know that was a lame joke. Honestly, we just wanted an excuse to post a picture of a cat playing a ukulele.
9. They would use thumbtacks.
With all the pot smoking, we're thinking there's also going to be a whole lot of short-term memory loss. Hence a need to leave reminder notes.
10. They would hitchhike.
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Better than chasing a car....or getting run over by one.