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Ten Tackiest Fashion Trends During South Beach Spring Break

Don't come back.
Don't come back.
Photo by Ciara LaVelle

James Franco put it best when he said, "Sprrriiiiinggggg breeeaaaakkkkkk."

Yes, a whole week to do nothing but get shwasted and be stupid. Spring break week (or month, depending upon how you experience it) is utter debauchery. Of course, no post-collegiate local would dare go near the sands of SoBe while insanity reigns, but we made a rare exception to check out some of the fashion that Miami's gift shops are putting out. If this trash represents the Magic City, it's no wonder people don't take us seriously. They really think life here is a music video.

Dear tourists: No one from Miami, or anywhere else on this planet, should buy a YOLO tee or wear said tee on a Duck Tour. This one goes out to you, bros. And hoes: Wearing next to nothing isn't bringing sexy back.

Here's what not to wear if you're in Miami, bitch, starting with that shirt.

See also: Is the Miami Heat the Most Fashionable Team in the NBA? Chris Bosh Talks Miami Style

Ten Tackiest Fashion Trends During South Beach Spring Break
Carla Torres

Unless you're Trinidad James, you shouldn't be wearing all-gold errrthang. Who needs Yves Saint Laurent when you've got Y$L, right? We're pretty sure you're using those dollars to pop a molly and sweat. Seriously, a guy walking down the street in this ensemble with his iPhone bedazzled is screaming to get tomatoes thrown his way. Don't believe us? Just watch.

Ten Tackiest Fashion Trends During South Beach Spring Break
Carla Torres

Screw snapback and tattoos. How about South Beach titties and tutus? This is the reason Ultra has a bad rap and 15-year-old girls are OK with the word "slut." Yes, Miami is hot, but under no circumstances is a tutu -- on any day other than Halloween -- really OK. Stay dressed, girls.

Ten Tackiest Fashion Trends During South Beach Spring Break
Carla Torres

This guy packs American pride, or at least pretends to. We've encountered him one too many times at parties during Conference, and he's towing his girl Marilyn around on his shoulder, just like this headless mannequin. Wear this and you're guaranteed to be headless too. Good thing you got a towel.

Ten Tackiest Fashion Trends During South Beach Spring Break
Carla Torres

Are you really? Since when has it been OK to go out and break shit? These are the kinds of guys at Ultra who compliment you on your eyeballs. The only thing fucked up is them. Might as well be wearing a shirt that says, "Have you seen Molly?"

Ten Tackiest Fashion Trends During South Beach Spring Break
Carla Torres

This shirt isn't half bad, but ladies, if you see a guy wearing this, he wants to know only three things: Do you roll, do you lick, and do you blow?

Ten Tackiest Fashion Trends During South Beach Spring Break
Carla Torres

Oy. Where do we even start? How about we make it a combo meal. "Thanks, babe, for making the sandwich. You're the reason I pooped today." Apparently, bitches are congregating in numbers now. I wonder if "Bro 1" can tell us where "Bro 2" has gone? One thing is for sure: He's in Miami, bitch! Get out. We have nothing bad to say about Angry Birds, ever. They YOLO like no other.

Ten Tackiest Fashion Trends During South Beach Spring Break
Carla Torres

Seriously, if you see a guy wearing this, walk up to him and say, "I can see why."

Ten Tackiest Fashion Trends During South Beach Spring Break
Carla Torres

You probably get this a lot, but did Cleoptara live here? I always thought she was from Cairo.

Ten Tackiest Fashion Trends During South Beach Spring Break
Carla Torres

If Satan were a stripper, she'd wear these.

Ten Tackiest Fashion Trends During South Beach Spring Break
Carla Torres

This girl is every frat guy's dream. She either has multiple vaginas (score) or one very large vagina (ew).

Ten Tackiest Fashion Trends During South Beach Spring Break
Carla Torres

Apparently it's a trend too. This is probably the only time you'll ever see the words "all you can eat" and not get excited. In the words of The 40-year-old Virgin, she's a ho, fo' sho'.

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