Ten Signs You're Not From Miami
There are about a million types of people in Miami: billionaires and day laborers, porn stars and conservative Jews, and just about every nationality on the planet. But when you really think about it, there are just two kinds of people in this town: The ones who are from Miami, and the ones who aren't.
Plenty of people move to South Florida to start a new life in the sun and on the sand. But until you've lived here a while, learned a few things, and passed a few tests, most locals won't accept you as a "real" Miamian.
Wondering what you're missing? Here are ten telltale signs you're not from Miami.
See also: Ten Signs You've Lived in Miami Too Long
10. You go to the beach.
There are two minority groups of Miamians who go to the beach: retirees and low-rent strippers. The rest of the people you see crowding the shores of South Beach are either tourists or recent transplants like you, AKA people who haven't yet grown spoiled by Miami's spectacular natural surroundings. So where do native Miamians cool off? Wherever their boat friends are sailing
9. You have no hurricane stories.
If you've been in town only a year or two, you haven't yet experienced a major hurricane in South Florida. And that means you're missing out on a huge part of the local experience: bonding with your fellow Miamians over the weird and wild stuff that goes down when the power is out and the city is on lockdown. A lot of it is tragic: properties destroyed, cars flooded or crushed under fallen trees, roofs patched with
See also: Ten Signs You're a Miami Art Snob
8. You can't keep the highways straight.
I-195? I-395? I-595? All connected by I-95? Is this some cruel joke played on the people of South Florida by a malicious highway planning committee? It'll take you at least a year of driving in Miami before you can remember which is the Dolphin Expressway and which is the one in Broward.
7. People keep trying to kiss your cheeks.
You say hello with a handshake, but people here keep pulling you in for a kiss on the cheek — sometimes on both of them. And it is freaking you out, man. Chances are you're from the cold, dispassionate Midwest, where kisses of any sort still count as "first base." But get used to it. You're in Miami, the land of the thong bikini and topless beaches, and we've adjusted the warmth of our greetings accordingly.
See also: Ten Miami Girls You've Probably Dated
6. You're afraid to show a little — um, a lot — of skin.
Speaking of which: Ladies, don't be afraid to let it all
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