Ten Other Things Miamians Should Stop Doing

Lookin' good, Miami.
Lookin' good, Miami.
Photo by Steve Jurvetson | Flickr CC

People from around these parts often describe themselves as having a love/hate relationship with Miami. It is, after all, not a city without fault. But for the most part, the faults we spend most of our time complaining about are not with the city, but with the people who either call it home or a place to stay. Might as well give credit where credit is due and call out the perpetrators who put the less lovable parts of Miami in motion.

To do that, New Times has compiled a list of ten other things Miamians do that make us crazy, make us cringe, or make us do a bit of both. See what we put on blast after the jump.

See also: Seven Things Miamians Should Stop Doing

1. Posting pictures of bullshit

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It's a growing epidemic worldwide, but it seems to be especially heinous in its Miami iterations. Look, we understand that the sandwich you ordered is the most precious thing you've ever tasted and that you're going to take a picture of it, but the 16 photos of you posing with it bite by bite, the seven alternate nom-nom faces you had to get pictures of in between, and the five selfies you took while crouching next to the plastic pig out front are a bit much. There is no need to have 47 versions of the same dark picture of you and your friends sweating and smiling in the back corner of Purdy Lounge.

2. Championing the worst music in the world

De gustibus non est disputandum is a Latin maxim that more or less translates to "There is no disputing matters of taste." The reason this bears mentioning is that Miami, on its face at least, seems to be represented by some really bad taste in music. We are a city known for one of the biggest EDM festivals in the world, where everyone glows in neon underwear, grinds their jaws to the bone-rattling bass, drinks as much water as they can find, and dies when they can't find it. Miami is known as home or a home away from home to the likes of Pitbull, Rick Ross, Lil Wayne, Gunplay, and DJ Khaled. Now, we love Rick Ross, but let's not trip -- none of these people makes good, meaningful music. "I'm in Love With the Coco" is patently bad music, but it's hard to drive five blocks in Miami without hearing it blaring from at least a couple of car sterios along the way. Come on, folks, play that good good. We got Trick Daddy! What're you doing listening to O.T. Genasis? TRICK LOVES THE KIDS!

 

Ten Other Things Miamians Should Stop Doing
Photo by Wyn van Devanter | Flickr CC

3. Being so condescending to people who aren't from Miami

This one seems ingrained in Miami's collective psyche. It's something I've been guilty of plenty of times and only realized afterward, like a reflex that happens faster than you can get it under control. When you ask someone at a bar where they're from or where they live and they say something like Weston or Plantation or Fort Lauderdale (or worse, someplace in the frozen hinterlands of North Dakota or New Hampshire that you've never heard of) and you make some remark like, "Damn, I'm sorry, that must suck," that's some rude shit.

There is no reason for that noise.

4. Driving like assholes

Somehow, Miami has a gravitational pull that attracts abnormally bad drivers. We may not have the worst traffic in the nation, but we for damn sure have some of the most dangerous. Driving through Hialeah around sunset is essentially the equivalent of taking your life in your own hands. And while there's a sizable portion of our population that's composed of drivers who recently emigrated from nations with wholly different traffic laws and dynamics, there is a far larger and more annoying subset of Miamians that is simply self-centered, psychotic, and/or pointlessly desperate to get from Point A to Point B as soon as physically possible. Chill the fuck out -- Chicken Kitchen isn't going to close in the 14 seconds you're saving by cutting around nine cars and across two lanes of traffic to catch that yellow light because you made a wrong turn.

5. Driving under the influence

Perhaps it could be argued that this one should be an addendum to #4, but it deserves special mention because of the apparent prevalence of casual drunk driving in Miami. People from other cities are almost always shocked to hear how blasé Miamians are about driving during and after a long, saucy night on the town. Normal people get cabs or Uber drivers or designated drivers. Miamians seem to be the only people who regularly refer to themselves as "really good drunk drivers." FYI: There's no such thing.

Bonus: Boating, boozing, and doing blow

Yes, it is part of the cultural legacy of this city's Miami Vice era, when all of those bundles of tightly wrapped snow came bobbing in the bay to be scooped up by cartel anglers in speedboats. Yes, going completely bacchanal buck wild on a boat is oodles and oodles of fun. But it's also dangerous, and Miami has had entirely too many bodies go lifeless on the water. Give it a rest, please.

6. Littering

Miami is a beautiful place. Our beaches are exquisite, our downtown is one of the most stunning on the planet, and our climate is the kind that beckons us outdoors to bask like luxuriant alligators. So why is it you can't go anywhere in this town without Publix bags, itty-bitty Ziplocs, and empty bottles strewn this way and that. Part of it is on the city government for having way too few public trash cans, and that's a big deal. But part of it is just plain laziness. There's no reason to toss that Corona into the dunes instead of walking 15 feet to the garbage can in front of you. Take care of Miami; she takes pretty good care of you.

 

Definitely not New York.
Definitely not New York.
Photo by Sergio Monsalve | Flickr CC

7. Trying to be Miami by being New York and Los Angeles

Miami is a young city with an identity that needs to be cultivated and fully fleshed out. And while many of the things on this list may seem to be getting down on that identity, they're simply notes on how to keep moving upward and onward with who we are as a town. One thing we don't need to do is ape our bigger, brighter, and more respectable cousins on the East and West coasts. While both of those cities are highly regarded as cultured, cosmopolitan metropolises, they have their own personalities and, more important, they aren't us and we aren't them. The more we try to shoehorn Wynwood into Williamsburg or try to make South Beach feel like the Santa Monica Promenade, the further we get from the weird and wonderful majesty of Miami's burgeoning persona.

8. Peacocking

Jersey Shore left Miami Beach years ago, yet somehow it kind of feels like it never went away. Miami is home to a veritable army of carrot-colored, musclebound yayos sporting the deepest of V-necks and ambling about, arms swinging slowly at their sides, with their pecs flexed and their chests puffed out to the absolute maximum volume as they wear their hater blockers well into the nighttime hours. They talk too loudly, yet they have absolutely nothing to say. Go home and rinse off the tanning oil, for the love of God. You make us sad.

9. Making stupid national headlines

Whether it's the face-eating, the ballot-botching, the boating accidents, or the Bieber arrests, Miami seems to produce an endless slew of bad headlines. It's never "Miami Doctor Presented With Prestigious Award for Groundbreaking Prenatal Heart Surgery." Instead, what the rest of the world gets are stories like Marine Stadium Deal Flounders Amid News That Backer Filed for Bankruptcy, which details how a wonderfully ambitious and hopeful project that would do immense good for the community by bringing back a world-class venue was dashed because the main backer was another crooked businessman, something else we seem to have a knack for producing and stockpiling here.

10. Being so goddamn apathetic about this city

I love my city. I will rep the 305 till the day I die. Clearly, there are a few things wrong with Miami -- otherwise, there would hardly be a reason for this list -- but far too many people who call this place home are too comfortable writing it off as a lost cause, a garish wasteland of halfwits and shallow, sallow-hearted values, a place that will never amount to anything more than a dressed-up, sexed-up spot to get wild and let loose and that'll never give anything greater to the world.

Fuck that.

Miami has the potential to be one of the greatest cities in the world, and I'd contend that it already is. There's more talent in this town than most of our own give us credit for and more high-minded individuals aspiring to take Miami to new heights than most anyone seems to realize. We have the sea and the sunshine, the delicacies and the debaucheries, the mayhem and the magic. Miami is anything but hopeless -- it's time we stopped thinking otherwise.


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