Ten Miami Girls You've Probably Dated
The ladies of Miami-Dade do a lot of complaining about their dating prospects. But guys, you have it rough too. You have given your best effort at speed dating. You have hit up every wine bar in a 30-mile radius. There is a good chance you read "Ten Miami Guys You've Probably Dated" and thought to yourself, That's not me, bro. And hey, it might not be, bro. Anything is possible.
What we are really trying to say is this: Here are ten girls you have sexted, had sex with, or filed a restraining order against.
See also: Ten Miami Guys You've Probably Dated
10. Miss Public Relations
She could market ice to Eskimos. She is career-driven, persistent, and probably sends you texts saying, "I just wanted to follow up," when you don't immediately write her back. Her social calendar is as extensive as her Louboutin collection, and this keeps you going out all the time. But speaking of time -- she has none of it. Her boss expects her in the office from 9 a.m. to 9 p.m., minimum. So why is she the boo to your booty call? Because she is available only late at night, and when she can actually hang she is interested in only two things: food and sex. Who loves both of those things? You do.
9. Miss Daddy's Girl
Maybe you think it's hot when she calls you daddy. But with this girl, you aren't the only one who gets that title. This gal still lives with her folks even though she's in her 20s with a real job and plenty of money to move out on her own. So why does she stay with the 'rents? She has not one but two people coddling her and paying her bills. Getting involved with a daddy's girl is fun for a while. She has plenty of money to spend and is always, and we mean always, willing to go to you. Then you realize she has essentially become your second roommate. Hang out or bang it out at her parents? Not an option. It's your place or nowhere, buddy.
8. Miss College Chick
You will never see her on a Monday, Wednesday, or Friday. She's constantly complaining about her mean professor. Your lovemaking (yep, that's what she calls it) revolves around her class schedule. You can't make dinner plans with her on Thursdays -- that's when she has her Greek Life meetings. Still, you love pretty little things, so you made her your arm candy the minute she crossed your path. Then you realized she is living off a loan. Well, a loan and your checking account.
7. Miss Wynwood
Just the thought of shopping at Saks Fifth Avenue disgusts her. Don't think you're getting out of shopping -- she'll make you thrift with her at Goodwill like you're panning for gold. She enjoys the arts, Wood Tavern, and the taste of PBR. But showering? Not so much. Showers cost money, and that isn't something she has right now. She is the 99 percent and proud of it. And you better be too.
6. Miss AARP
Watch out for her claws, because this cougar is hungry, tiger. Newly divorced with a nice settlement and a brand-new set of boobs? Where could you go wrong? Dinners are endless, the wine never stops flowing, and you don't mind watching the occasional episode of Nancy Grace with her in the bedroom. Your relationship is great, and you're really enjoying the benefits of all the extra fiber in your diet. Then, slowly but surely, you realize your friends feel awkward when she's around -- because she reminds them of their mothers. Come to think of it, she does have a son about your age.
5. Miss Bottle Service
Who doesn't love a girl with a perfect bod? Well, she keeps that bod because it's her job. She tells people she's a model (and so do you), but if she were really in the business, she would be in NYC. Her real source of income is providing bottle service to the VIPs of Miami. And because you're dating her, for the first time in your life, getting into a club is easy. Isn't it great to know people on the inside? If you're the jealous type, however, this fling won't last. Hate guys hitting on your girl all the time? Don't enjoy your girlfriend getting home at 6 a.m.? If you said yes to either of those questions, get out now.
4. Miss Golddigger
"Boo-hoo, she used me for my money!" Please -- put those tissues away. You saw it coming. This girl is defined by three Bs: Berkin, BMW, and a bitch attitude. Asked what she does for a living, she offers nothing more than a casual shrug. The girl thinks a W9 is a new form of molly. Come to think of it, Miss Golddigger has a lot in common with molly. At first, she is a great idea. You're having a blast. Then all of a sudden, you wake up alone, with no money and a hangover. Goldie, meanwhile, has moved on. But don't take it personally -- it's only because you have reached your credit card limit.
3. Miss Miley Cyrus
You've never had so much fun in your life. Girl is always down to go out. She is always down to drink. In fact, she's already two shots ahead of you. Paying for drinks? Please. Because she goes out so much, she's BFFs with every bartender in the county. Miss Miley wears outfits that are illegal in some countries, twerks on demand, and really doesn't seem to give a shit about, well, anything. And you love it. There's just one problem: Slowly but surely, you will turn into her babysitter -- and a grown drunk adult is harder to tame than a toddler. When you think about parting ways with her, you grow sad at the notion of losing your partner in crime. Then you think about the puke stains on your carpet and decide it's not such a huge loss.
2. Miss Bachelorette
Most men believe that when women reach their late 20s and early 30s, they inevitably start dreaming of marriage. But Miss Bachelorette sees that "common knowledge" for the tired stereotype it is. Sure, you met her at a wedding, but the only reason she was standing next to the bride is that she has known her since second grade -- and because she wanted to attend the bachelorette party. Miss Bachelorette doesn't roll with just one lady, but ten to 15 of them at a time. The best part: She has nothing but partying on the brain. But when it's time to take it to next level -- the title of "plus-one" to her cousin's friend's wedding -- the breakup is inevitable. And that's cool. You're not trying to rent a tux anyway.
1. Miss South Beach
Can't drive home after a night out at LIV? No worries. Her apartment is conveniently located right on West Avenue. She lives at the Flamingo and knows everyone at Rec Room. And paying for a cab? Please -- Swoop considers her its favorite customer. The bad news: She doesn't leave the island. Ever. Dinner at Swine in Coral Gables? Forget about it; she has Yardbird. A day trip to the Everglades? She'd rather spend the day on the beach. No matter how hard you try to convince her there's life beyond the causeway, she won't listen -- perhaps because her driver's license is still suspended from her last DUI.
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