In recent weeks, we have examined the diverse dating scene in the Magic City. First, we ran down the ten Miami guys you local ladies have dated. Then we gave Miami girls the same treatment. Soon after, our gay readers began asking, "What about us?"
Don't worry -- we weren't leaving you out. We were just saving the best for last.
Dating disasters don't discriminate. From gay to straight, white to black and even drag queens, it's hard out there to find love. So from gym rats to clingy types to party boys, here are ten gays you have probably been with, slept with, or are stalking on social media.
See also: Ten Miami Guys You've Probably Dated
10. Mr. Grindr
He lives just 60 feet from you. How do you know this? Because you're both on Grindr, so you can stalk each other from not-so-afar. You've gotta hand it to Steve Jobs -- with the iPhone, he gave gays the ability to find a lover quicker than you can say, "Got a condom?"
Your affair with Mr. Grindr begins, well, because he lives down the block. And he isn't looking for an LTR -- just a NSA. Versatile? Hell yeah. Who doesn't love a hot, leave-your-names-and-clothes-at-the-door kind of affair? Sure, his profile photo is from 1996, but hey, sometimes a guy has got to get it in. When the sex is good, you want more. But sadly, that is the last you ever see of him. Where did he go? Why was his profile removed from your favorites? Because he has moved on to Scruff, duh. Or even worse: He blocked your ass. But you'll always have the memories -- and the scratch marks.
9. Mr. ESPN
Your relationship didn't start off on the best foot -- mostly because you had no idea he was gay. His jeans are Levi's, his shirt has some mascot on it, and, let's be honest, he hasn't seen a collared shirt in years. This man isn't just any Miami Dolphins fan; his dog's name is Dan Marino. (And of course the dog is something super-butch: a Doberman, black lab, something mixed he saved from the beaches of Puerto Rico, you get the idea.)
Though you enjoy the games, or at least the tailgating, the booze can flow only so long. Once your tank-top tan lines from tailgating refuse to fade, it's time to throw in the towel.
See also: Ten Miami Girls You've Probably Dated
Flickr.com/Michel Mikiane Levy-Provencal
8. Mr. Fight for Your Rights
One day, the children of the world will find it unthinkable that Uncle Joe and Uncle Dave were once legally barred from getting married. Mr. Fight for Your Rights, like most of us, wants that time to be now. Like, yesterday.
There is a good chance you two met at a Save Dade or Michael Gongora for Mayor networking event. You find it inspiring that he is so passionate about the fight for equality. With time, rally T-shirts begin to replace the Tom Ford designs in your closet, and your backseat fills up with picket signs. But you soon realize it might be time to bail. He'll never feel as passionately about you as he does about fighting discrimination, and besides, he doesn't have time for you. Rallies don't walk themselves, OK?
7. Mr. U-Haul
Your first date wasn't good; it was great. You drank wine, nibbled on cheese, and before you knew it, he was in the sack. Breakfast in bed? You know it. Homemade gluten-free lunches? Oh yeah, that happened. Afternoons spent antiquing? Please, that's a given. Before you know it, Mr U-Haul isn't just casually dropping by your place; that boy has a key.
In the beginning, those "good morning, baby" texts weren't just cute; they were what The Notebook-esque romances are made of. Then the "Look what I had for lunch" pictures start. Lyrics from Lady Gaga are coming into your phone at a rapid pace. Soon, he is showing you photos of Lance Bass' engagement and telling you, "That could be us!" He doesn't give a shit that it's been less than month since you began dating; that U-Haul is booked, and there is no looking back. In the words of Beyoncé, if you like it, you should put a ring on it. If not, you have only two options: move or enter witness protection.
Flickr.com/Robert B Richter
6. Mr Crunch
You two met when you recognized him in spinning class at the gym -- he's the guy from that Mr. Turk ad. You thought to yourself, Oh, hot damn, and the rest is history. But there's trouble in your sexy paradise. You love him and all, but even suggesting skipping a day at the gym is like asking him to skip his next casting call. That's because he truly believes he's Miami's Next Top Model. Maybe he did porn in his early college days, maybe he didn't. But let's be honest: One look at him at Hyde Beach in his barely-there swim trunks, and his XXX past is soon forgotten.
5. Mr. Power Player
If George Clooney and Oprah had a baby, this man would be him. Between his good looks and his bank account, his genes could come from only those two. Mr. Power Player does happy hour at Soho House, but we all know he is having his nightcap at Twist. But not backroom Twist; the oh-so-classy front bar. He not only has a stool there, but the staff also calls it his throne. With him, you learn that, yes, the Black Card really is made of steel. He just used it to pay for your dinner at Zuma. He not only lives in that penthouse condo but is also the developer who built it.
If we just described your boyfriend, be warned: You're probably in your mid-20s now, but that dirty 30 is right around the corner. Get on Match.com, because Mr. Power Player likes his men like he likes his Jugofresh in the morning: very, very fresh.
4. Mr. Drag Race Hopeful
There are only a few people who should be called queen: Beyoncé, Madonna, Cher. According to your new boo, he belongs on that list too. You know you like men, but for some reason his wearing of wedges, women's jeans, and more makeup than Kim Kardashian gets you all hot and bothered.
In a weird way, Mr. Hopeful is kind of a simple being. Though he loves extravagance, all he needs is Forever 21, a full-length mirror, and a stage to be happy in this world. He is the simplest yet most complicated person you have ever met. Let's just put it this way: You are dating RuPaul, but with a fraction of the money.
Speaking of money, he might need to borrow some. Unless he wins Miss'd America, you can expect to meet Max. (Max is the limit on your credit card. With Mr. Hopeful's love for wigs, you two are sure to cross paths.)
3. Mr. Circuit Party
White Party, Muscle Beach, Miami Beach Gay Pride -- the list of parties on this man's social calendar could go on for days. If there is one thing this man loves, it's dancing -- well, dancing, taking off his shirt, dropping some casual drugs; you know the drill. Nothing gets his blood pumping like EDM; a gaggle of sweaty, shirtless men; and a circuit party.
Let's face it: Mr. Circuit Party is the Miley Cyrus of your life. You've never had more fun with anyone, ever. If he isn't twerking at a major event, he's texting his whole address book and searching the listings looking for a place to go. But when he blacks out, causes a scene, and gets thrown out by an oh-so-scary Score bouncer, you're gonna want to run Forrest Gump-style.
2. Mr. First Timer
Illegal activity isn't something you're really into. But when the new man of your dreams is still asking if the party is "18 and up," it's time to score him a fake ID. Mr. First Timer is barely legal and new to the gay scene, but you're willing to be the tour guide of his coming-out adventure. It's almost as if you are looking at Britney Spears circa ...Baby One More Time. Sure, you know he'll eventually morph into Mr. Circuit Party, but the journey is still a lot of fun. At least until he asks you something like, "Why are we using lube?" Who wants an amateur in the bedroom? As Sweet Brown would say, "Ain't nobody got time for that."
1. Mr. Closet Case
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He just happens to love Christina Aguilera and the color pink. He doesn't know how all of those charges at Mova on Thursday night ended up on his credit card. No, that isn't him in the pictures marching in gay pride; that's just his doppelgänger. Really. He swears.
Sound familiar? Of course it does; those are the excuses you hear Mr. Closet Case tell his parents two to ten times a day. This man is as gay as the day is long, but his family wouldn't know it -- or rather, they do know it, but no one talks about it. You'll never spend a holiday together. That's because his main fruit fly is used as a Christmas dinner decoy. Sure, the fact that he keeps you his secret sidepiece will become annoying. But look at the upside: There is no chance in hell he would ever ask you come over to his place. Think of him as Dominos: delivered to your home in 30 minutes or less.