Opening Night for the Florida Marlins is tonight and we'd like to say that we are excited about the team's prospects. But we can't. Not really. The Fish have been about average the past several seasons, and we expect them to hover at about that this year. It'll be their last season playing in Sun Life Stadium and as the Florida Marlins (they switch to Miami Marlins next year), so there is some reason to show up for games, but not much.
Maybe the best way to get you in the mood to go catch a few games this year is to remind you of some of the worst baseball movies ever made. Everybody likes talking about the good baseball movies like The Natural, or Bull Durham or Major League but we say, screw that! We figure if you watch this lot of terrible baseball flicks, you'll be jonesing to get out to the ballpark and see the real deal. Check out our list after the jump.
Any time you model a movie after the Mighty Ducks you know you're in
trouble. Add Keanu Reeves to the mix, sprinkle in some inner city
stereotypes, and you have Hardball, a comedy about some guy who is
forced into coaching a rag tag group of youths. Sound familiar? Think a
bad Bad News Bears.
9. Major League: Back to the Minors
The Major League films jumped the shark after the second
installment (actually, it might have done so after the first movie). But
at least the second still had most of the same stars (Charlie Sheen,
Tom Berenger). In the third installment, Sheen is replaced by Scott
Bakula of Quantum Leap fame. Definitely not a winning move! An interesting aside, IMDB incorrectly has Wesley Snipes listed in Major League II movie when Omar Epps took over the role.
8. Mr. Baseball
Considering all they are going through right now, it might be cruel to
remind the Japanese of this 1992 movie starring Tom Selleck as a major
leaguer finishing out his career playing in the Far East. Dennis
Haysbert from 24 and those Allstate commercials was apparently
the go to guy for baseball movies back in the day as he starred with
Selleck in this movie before becoming Pedro Cerrano in Major League.
7. Mr. 3000
May Bernie Mac rest in peace, but he could have let us go on without
this 2004 dud. Despite a impressive cast with Angela Bassett and Paul
Sorvino, a movie about a has been player who goes back to the game to
get his 3,000 hit (after a clerical error takes the honor away) is just
6. For the Love of the Game
At some point in his career, about the time he made Waterworld and The Postman,
Kevin Costner became a major liability in Hollywood. He tried to get
himself out of the slump by going back to baseball -which had served him
so well in Bull Durham and Field of Dreams - but he struck out again with this movie about a retiring pitcher and his last hurrah.
5. Angels in the Outfield
A remake of a 1951 movie about angels helping a baseball team win a
championship for a down on his luck kid, this was just bad all the way
around. Danny Glover, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Adrien Brody, led an
impressive cast. But all that star power couldn't make up for the
inclusion of Tony Danza.
4. Rookie of the Year
Starring Thomas Ian Nicholas, the kid who would go on to bang Tara Reid in American Pie,
this movie also has a fantastical plot twist - kid pitching in the
majors after an injury gives him 103 mile an hour fastball. Gary Busey
also stars, which is worse than having Tony Danza in your baseball
3. A League of Their Own
We might catch some grief for this one, but really it was pretty
terrible. Any movie with Madonna and Rosie O'Donnell can't be worth
watching. Plus we're so tired of Tom Hanks' "there's no crying in
baseball" diatribe, we can hardly bare it.
2. Summer Catch
You can't base a whole movie around a gratuitous pool scene with Jessica
Biel -- which is all this movie had going for it. This was another
movie featuring Freddie Prinze, Jr. and Mathew Lillard, who had such
celluloid successes at Wing Commander and the Scooby Doo movies.
1. The Fan
Starring Robert De Niro as a psycho fan and Wesley Snipes as an
egotistical star player, this movie was okay until the terrible final
scene which takes place in front of a packed stadium and during a
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torrential downpour. In the scene De Niro pulls a Frank Drebbin and
masquerades as the home plate umpire. Note to filmmakers, it only worked
in the Naked Gun because the movie was a comedy!