Dating in Miami is hard to do. Between the douche bros looking for an easy lay and the douchebaguettes looking for a papi chulo with a boat, we're often left wondering where the normal people are in this damn town. It's not to say they don't exist, but they're hiding deep among the creepers, the putas, the club promoters and the pata sucias.
So in an effort to make finding a mate just a little easier for those of us that still believe we can live out a romantic comedy, or to make you seem just a little less thirsty while out on the prowl, here are some Do's and Don'ts for dating in Miami.
See also: Ten Miami Guys You've Probably Dated
10. Do look past silly "deal breakers."
So what if he doesn't eat Cuban food and it's, like, totally your fave? Build a bridge and get the eff over it. No, you shouldn't settle for the first person who gives you the eye, but you should definitely quit being so picky. That's how spinsters are made.
9. Don't ignore the red flags.
Like the fact that he appeared on Bang Bros and subsequently went to rehab for "sex addiction." Or that he's in his sixth year at Miami-Dade with no graduation date in sight. There are just some things you can't come back from.
8. Do perfect the art of sexy texting.
Not the kind where tit pics and graphic sexual innuendo run rampant, but the kind where flirty emojis are the norm. A little mystery goes a long way.
7. Don't text with "DTF."
Might as well just put your vagina on a platter. Gross.
6. Do let them know you're interested.
Playing hard to get is so 2013. Just throw on your female empowerment Beyoncé panties on and let homie know you're feelin' him. He'll appreciate the honesty, even if the feelings aren't reciprocated.
5. Don't let your lady boner show.
The constant texts, the proclamations of love on Facebook, the driving past his house at midnight to make sure he's actually home? Damn, girl. CON CALMA.
4. Do drop it low every now and then.
Nothing wrong with a little bumpin' and grindin' with a potential suitor at Purdy Lounge or Blackbird. Sometimes, you need to show him what you got, lil' mama.
3. Don't drop your standards.
Keep it classy. If you let dude dry hump you in the club for hours on end, you will end up on Pepe Billete's Instagram feed. It won't be a good look for you.
2. Do dress to impress.
As much as we hate to admit it, Miami is a town built on looking fly, so you gotta come correct at all times. If you're going on a date with that cutie from your Orange Theory class, might we suggest a pair of jeans, a cute top and some sensible heels you can actually walk in? Less is sometimes more.
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1. Don't try squeezing into that bandage dress you bought in 2007.
Rolls are meant for the dinner table.
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