Dating in Miami. It's a bitch, ain't it? These days it seems like everyone is just concerned with getting it in... and in.... and in. Aren't we all exhausted already? Sure, your latest weekend conquest makes for a pretty epic story to tell your fellas, until you realize two weeks later that said chick totally gave you the herpy derp. While we sympathize with the struggle of finding a quality gal pal in the 305, it's not entirely impossible, especially if you're bringing your A game and adhering to our Miami dating do's and don'ts. This must be the hopeless place Rihanna was singing about, but one where love can be found just the same.
10. Do act like a gentleman.
This doesn't necessarily mean opening doors and pulling out chairs and throwing your coat over puddles for the lady in your life (although it doesn't hurt). It means not acting like a feral animal when you're in her presence.
9. Don't expect to smash because of it.
Congratulations on behaving like a decent human being! Think of it as making your momma proud and not as a one-way ticket to Slamville. If you're that desperate, we hear the girls don't wear bloomers at La Covacha.
8. Do ask her the basics.
Ask her what her interests are, who she be with, things that make her smile, what numbers to dial.
7. Don't ask her if she's ovulating.
Yes, this one's based on a true story. Fellas, she's about to give you the business and this is the question you decide to set the mood with? Look at your life. Look at your choices.
6. Do have something relevant to discuss.
Bar banter gets boring really damn fast, and there's only so much you can say about the weather before "wanna go back to my place?" is an appropriate game changer. Be well versed in a variety of topics. Know the Miami Heat roster backwards and forwards. Illuminate her with your thoughts on politics in South Florida (or lack thereof). Rage about how Dexter wasn't really filmed in Miami. Just make sure you're keeping it interesting and not talking about how good her ass looks in those jeans ad nauseam.
5. Don't dominate the conversation.
We know you're toeing a fine line here, but let her get a word in every now and then. Talking about ourselves is practically a sport in Miami, but fight that instinct and actually listen. You may just learn something.
4. Do have some ambition.
Living at home past 25 for no better reason than "why pay rent?" is beyond pathetic. Having to keep quiet because abuelo is in the next room is not the aphrodesiac you think it is.
3. Don't obsess.
Your sports teams are important to you; so are your job, your car and your weekend kickball league. Your potential boo thang will get that, but don't ignore her all the damn time either. You can't have your pastelito and eat it too.
2. Do text her within a reasonable time frame.
You got her number. No need to wait three days, five minutes and 36 seconds before sending her a quick "hello." You won't seem desperate or needy, you'll seem like someone with the confidence to go after what he wants.
If you like this story, consider signing up for our email newsletters.
SHOW ME HOW
You have successfully signed up for your selected newsletter(s) - please keep an eye on your mailbox, we're movin' in!
1. Don't play the waiting game.
So she responded to you 30 minutes after you initially texted. No need to wait 31 minutes to send the next one. Grow a pair and just converse like a fully functioning adult. We know putting yourself out there is scary, but ain't nobody got time for your shenanigans.
Send your story tips to Cultist at firstname.lastname@example.org.