Listen up, Miami lovers: Valentine's Day is right around the corner.
As much as you might hate a holiday built upon unrealistic expectations and Hallmark revenues, one thing is certain: if there's a special someone in your life, and you'd like to keep it that way, you'd damn well better be prepared to participate.
We're here to help with this list of Valentine's Day events around town. Now get out there and get your love on.
10. Sex and the Animals
Valentine's Day events usually focus on the sappy side of love, but Rob Magill knows that you and me, baby, aren't nothing but mammals. So he's brought his "Sex and the Animals" presentation to Zoo Miami to remind us why all this nonsense exists in the first place: to get it on. This isn't your standard lecture; expect to laugh out loud as you learn about how different animal species hook up. And then take your date home and show off your own animal magnetism.
7 p.m. wine and cheese reception; talk starts at 8 p.m. at Zoo Miami. Tickets cost $30-$85. Visit zoomiami.org.
9. Viva Paris International Show
Ah Paris. The city of light. The city of love. Ooh la la, and all that stuff. Your budget probably can't support a trip for two to the Eiffel Tower, but there's a little slice of French romance headed to South Beach in time for Valentine's Day: the Viva Paris International Show, a cabaret experience straight out of Moulin Rouge. Its variety acts include feather girls, can-can dancers, singing and acting sketches, and plenty of other Francophile treats. C'est magnifique.
9 p.m. and 10:30 p.m. at the Colony Theater. Tickets cost $35. Visit vivaparisshow.com.
8. Singles Celebrity Match-up Game
Finding a mate is hard, especially when there's so much Hollywood gossip to stay on top of. How are you supposed to find time to date when there are Kanye/Kardashian wedding details to read about? Segafredo Brickell has single E! junkies covered with its Singles Celebrity Match-Up Game. Show up, get your celebrity name tag, and find your celebrity mate before the end of the night to get a free cocktail. Who knows -- this could be the beginning of your very own Beyonce and Jay Z love story.
8 p.m. at Segafredo Brickell. The event is free. Visit sze-brickell.com.
7. Lewis Black
They say laughter is the best aphrodisiac. So if you want to get your date all hot and bothered, but your best jokes end with "and boy are my arms tired," Lewis Black is here to help. He's bringing his The Rant is Due tour, complete with the exasperated rage we've come to know and love from him, to Miami on Valentine's Day.
8 p.m. at The Fillmore. Tickets cost $39.50-$75. Visit fillmoremb.com.
6. Art Wynwood VIP After-Party
Art is sexy. So if you wanna seal the deal with that Wynwoodite, Bakehouse Art Complex's Art Wynwood VIP After-Party is the place to impress. The massive space is packed with studios featuring some of Miami's most intriguing and exciting artists. Valentine's Day-themed work will be for sale as artist Carrie Sieh celebrates the opening of her exhibit curated by the one and only Bernice Steinbaum.
7-10 p.m. at BAC. Admission costs $5, or free for BAC members and Art Wynwood cardholders and exhibitors. Visit bacfl.org.
5. Date Night
Tracey Emin is known for her sexually provocative artwork. (Think: an installation piece listing every person the artist has ever slept with.) So Date Night, in which Miami performance artist Ana Mendez responds to Emin's neon exhibit at the Museum of Contemporary Art, is bound to get your panties in a twist. But in a good way.
8 p.m. at MOCA. Admission costs $10, or free for MOCA members. Visit mocanomi.org.
4. Triple Threat
Miami City Ballet's third production of the season features plenty of the Balanchine moves that have earned the company worldwide acclaim. But they're also taking on a balletic take on West Side Story, complete with snapping Sharks and Jets. Be cool, boy. Reeeeeal cool.
7 p.m. at the Arsht Center. Tickets cost $20-$95. Visit arshtcenter.org.
3. Robin Oliveira
No Valentine this year? No problem. Oliveira's new book, I Always Loved You, offers all the romantic supplement you need -- without the embarrassment of watching yet another Katherine Heigl trainwreck. It's the story of the love affair between Mary Cassatt and Edgar Degas, and it's written by a New York Times bestselling author, so you know it's gonna be good. Oliveira will show it off herself this Valentine's Day at Books and Books.
8 p.m. at Books and Books' Gables location. Admission is free. Visit booksandbooks.com.
2. A Wild Affair
To celebrate V-day this year, Jungle Island has planned a party like something straight out of The Bachelor: live music on the sand, screenings of romantic films, complimentary booze and food, the works. Miami crooner Brendan O'Hara will serenade couples on the venue's private beach, while other lovers can cuddle up and watch a duo of Meg Ryan classics: When Harry Met Sally and Sleepless in Seattle. Complimentary wine, cheese, and desserts are all included in the cost of admission. As Jungle Island's rare liger would say, "rowr."
7:30 - 11 p.m. at Jungle Island. Tickets cost $100-$400 per couple. Visit jungleisland.com/Valentines.
1. LoveFest Miami 2014
If you like this story, consider signing up for our email newsletters.
SHOW ME HOW
You have successfully signed up for your selected newsletter(s) - please keep an eye on your mailbox, we're movin' in!
Wanna feel the love this Valentine's Day? LoveFest promises to "bring people together" with performances by Meek Mill, K Michelle, and Wale. If your Valentine's not feeling swoony after an evening of R&B and hip-hop, well, it's not you, it's her.
7:30 p.m. at BankUnited Center. Tickets cost $45-$171. Visit ticketmaster.com.
Send your story tips to Cultist at firstname.lastname@example.org.