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Take Cover! The Best and Worst Places to Ride Out a Hurricane in Miami

When it comes to hurricanes, planning ahead is key to avoid being blown into oblivion like so much loose shrubbery. Of course, it's crucial to check

off those hurricane preparedness lists, stock up on non-perishables, and plan your

hurricane party. But the simplest matter of all is where you

land when the hurricane hits.

You'd be wise to avoid certain spots during the season, and instead

gravitate toward other, more desirable locations to ride out a storm. This could be a busy season, so we've compiled

a list of the best and worst places to get stranded when those winds start

a-blowing.


The Best Places

Take Cover! The Best and Worst Places to Ride Out a Hurricane in Miami
Crafty Girly Flickr

Crafty Girly Flickr

4. City shelters

Let's address the most obvious option. When

facing gusting winds and blinding rain, city hurricane evacuation centers are the

most sensible places to seek shelter. After all, we can count on our government

to keep us safe and sound, right? Riiiight?

Batten down the hatches.
Batten down the hatches.
mak506 Flickr

mak506 Flickr
Batten down the hatches.

3. A well-fortified home

A hurricane-proof home stocked with friends

and loved ones is by far your most comfortable solution. These situations necessitate hurricane party preparations. Of

course, this is applicable only if the storm doesn't get too ugly; if the city says evacuate, you gots to go. But there aren't many more appealing ways to spend a washout than with your posse. If you don't have hurricane shutters on your own home, better make friends with someone who does.

Let it ride while you liquor up.

2. Liquor store

Preferably a large one, with

foodstuffs. Total Wine's a pretty good option. Should a storm hit hard, there are few places better

to be than a fully stocked purveyor of alcohol. You'll have snacks to

nosh on, and enough beer, liquor and wine to ride out an apocalypse. Not

to mention plenty of space for a sleepover.

Take Cover! The Best and Worst Places to Ride Out a Hurricane in Miami
Adrian Salgado Flickr

Adrian Salgado Flickr

1. Strip club

Think about it: There are no windows to shutter, booze galore, and if you can get past the idea of snoozing on a giant collective semen stain, you might even be able to catch a few Z's in the back room. And if the storm really does flatten all of Miami, at least you're going out surrounded by naked pole dancers.


The Worst Places

Beautiful but deadly.
Beautiful but deadly.
Xavier de Jauréguiberry Flickr

Xavier de Jauréguiberry Flickr
Beautiful but deadly.

4. The beach

It's our city's pride and joy -- and worst nightmare

when it comes to the wrath of a hurricane's path. Do we really have to tell you to avoid getting caught in a tempest while

idling along Ocean Drive? Sure, some folks will be tempted to try surfing in

hurricane winds (especially given our standard lack of waves), but this isn't

the wisest idea. And don't try to get your tan on when the radar's looking super-swirly, mmmkay?

Office space, eternally.
Office space, eternally.
Yuan2003 Flickr

Yuan2003 Flickr
Office space, eternally.

3. Your office

Should a hurricane strike while you're

boxed into your cubicle, you, my friend, are officially screwed. You

may not be able to

leave your place of employment for days on end. Can we imagine a worse

kind of

hell? What else will there be to do but ... work? Shudder.

Not on a boat, motherf*cker.
Not on a boat, motherf*cker.
Adrian Salgado Flickr

Adrian Salgado Flickr
Not on a boat, motherf*cker.

2. On a boat

As Miamians, being on boats is our bread and butter. But

that SNL skit's not gonna be so cute in 20-foot seas. There's a time for sandbar revelry, and a time to anchor her up and take cover. Setting off on an ocean voyage when the weather's looking iffy is just begging for a Darwin Award.

Oh the horror.
Oh the horror.
juluc Flickr

juluc Flickr
Oh the horror.

1. The Hialeah DMV
It's in Hialeah, and it's the DMV.

Those

two factors alone should be enough to convince you to stay as far away

as

possible from this particular locale during hurricane season (and

really, any other time). The only way you could make this hub of irate drivers worse is by adding a tropical storm. Even if you survive the

desperate, hungry customers with nothing to lose, you'll find yourself no closer to driver's license

renewal when the rains

subside than when you arrived. That's a special kind of hell.

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