When it comes to hurricanes, planning ahead is key to avoid being blown into oblivion like so much loose shrubbery. Of course, it's crucial to check
off those hurricane preparedness lists, stock up on non-perishables, and plan your
hurricane party. But the simplest matter of all is where you
land when the hurricane hits.
You'd be wise to avoid certain spots during the season, and instead
gravitate toward other, more desirable locations to ride out a storm. This could be a busy season, so we've compiled
a list of the best and worst places to get stranded when those winds start
a-blowing.
The Best Places
Let's address the most obvious option. When
facing gusting winds and blinding rain, city hurricane evacuation centers are the
most sensible places to seek shelter. After all, we can count on our government
to keep us safe and sound, right? Riiiight?
A hurricane-proof home stocked with friends
and loved ones is by far your most comfortable solution. These situations necessitate hurricane party preparations. Of
course, this is applicable only if the storm doesn't get too ugly; if the city says evacuate, you gots to go. But there aren't many more appealing ways to spend a washout than with your posse. If you don't have hurricane shutters on your own home, better make friends with someone who does.
Preferably a large one, with
foodstuffs. Total Wine's a pretty good option. Should a storm hit hard, there are few places better
to be than a fully stocked purveyor of alcohol. You'll have snacks to
nosh on, and enough beer, liquor and wine to ride out an apocalypse. Not
to mention plenty of space for a sleepover.
Think about it: There are no windows to shutter, booze galore, and if you can get past the idea of snoozing on a giant collective semen stain, you might even be able to catch a few Z's in the back room. And if the storm really does flatten all of Miami, at least you're going out surrounded by naked pole dancers.
The Worst Places
It's our city's pride and joy -- and worst nightmare
when it comes to the wrath of a hurricane's path. Do we really have to tell you to avoid getting caught in a tempest while
idling along Ocean Drive? Sure, some folks will be tempted to try surfing in
hurricane winds (especially given our standard lack of waves), but this isn't
the wisest idea. And don't try to get your tan on when the radar's looking super-swirly, mmmkay?
Should a hurricane strike while you're
boxed into your cubicle, you, my friend, are officially screwed. You
may not be able to
leave your place of employment for days on end. Can we imagine a worse
kind of
hell? What else will there be to do but ... work? Shudder.
As Miamians, being on boats is our bread and butter. But
that SNL skit's not gonna be so cute in 20-foot seas. There's a time for sandbar revelry, and a time to anchor her up and take cover. Setting off on an ocean voyage when the weather's looking iffy is just begging for a Darwin Award.
1. The Hialeah DMV
It's in Hialeah, and it's the DMV.
Those
two factors alone should be enough to convince you to stay as far away
as
possible from this particular locale during hurricane season (and
really, any other time). The only way you could make this hub of irate drivers worse is by adding a tropical storm. Even if you survive the
desperate, hungry customers with nothing to lose, you'll find yourself no closer to driver's license
renewal when the rains
subside than when you arrived. That's a special kind of hell.
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