The end of August marks the beginning of the most important times of the year: the beginning of football season. This weekend is both the final week of NFL preseason football, and the first week of games for several major college football teams, including our own University of Miami Hurricanes.
And seriously, it couldn't have come any sooner. The doldrums of the summer crawled by like a toddler paddling a canoe, forcing sports fans to spend some of the worst hours of their lives watching Miami Marlins baseball and their 32nd ranked offense. But now, it's gridiron time, and that means only one thing: beer-obliterated fans partying in stadium parking lots. That's right, it's tailgating season.
At its best, tailgating is the coming together of fans to prepare themselves for the upcoming game, sharing the love of their team over barbeque, beers, and good laughs. Of course, it all inevitably devolves into drunken fights, and running through stadium bathroom lines because of diarrhea caused by undercooked food.
At least everyone knows what they're in for, and we want to make your journey all that much more efficient. So, we present our 2013 Tailgating Gear Guide.
Russian Roulette Beer Bong
As if a regular Beer Bong wasn't enough, HomeWetBar.com presents the Russian Roulette Beer Bong. It's actually a pretty simple concept. Small plastic beer bottles hold the beer inside the miniature keg-shaped beer holder. The various drinkers (or, if you're a lonely alcoholic, yourself) pull out the beer bottles until the "wrong one" is yanked out, delivering a whopping 66 ounces of beer down the player's throat in as much time as it'll take you to be arrested for peeing on a cop car later that afternoon.
Home alcohol poisoning treatment kit not included. $19.50.
Privacy Pop Up Travel Toilet
After hours of consuming gallons of liquid and eating steak, chicken, pork, chili cheese fries, and a particular favorite to Sun Life Stadium's parking lot, homemade chicharrón, all that garbage is going to want to come out of you in a hurry. And anyone who's been to an outdoor festival knows that the worst example of how little human civilization has progressed is the nightmarish invention of the porta potty. The inside of an elephant's butthole smells better, and combined with the 66 ounces of beer that were shot down your throat, things are bound to get ugly.
To avoid all of that, it is an absolute necessity to own a Privacy Pop Up Travel Toilet. Who cares if there's a tent in the parking lot emitting fart sounds and toxic fumes? Everyone else's discomfort is a small price to pay for your public pooping and peeing comfort. $59.95-$119.
Camouflage Chillin iPod Ready Radio Cooler
There ain't no party without proper jams, and there ain't no jam without the appropriate level of drunkenness. Don't think so? Just ask yourself if there would be any other time in your life that you would chant along with "Who Let The Dogs Out" or the main riff from "Seven Nation Army." This iPod radio/beverage cooler solves both problems. $49.95.
Kalamazoo Outdoor Hybrid Grill
Grilling is as vital to successful tailgating as willingness to perform oral sex is to a marriage. And there isn't a grill that can even come close to Kalamazoo's $17,000 Outdoor Hybrid Grill. This thing could cook a rhino. Pulling up with the Hybrid Fire Grill in the flatbed of your pickup is the equivalent to being John Holmes at a Chinese New Year festival. There's just no fair comparison among your competition.
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Baron Bob's Beer Belly is the only item in this guide that serves football parties both inside and out of football games. Truthfully, the Beer Belly shouldn't even be limited to tailgating. Have an important business meeting? Get the beer belly. Wedding day? Get the beer belly. About to start your morning commute... actually, no forget that one.