Survival Tips for Marysol Patton When She Embarks on Real Housewives Tour
If you slapped bikinis on Real Housewives NeNe Leakes, Jill Zarin, and Melissa Gorga, shoved them into an inflatable kiddie pool full of jello, and told them to wrestle, who do you think would end up with the most weave still attached to their head? We're sure Anderson Cooper would bet his girliest giggle on Atlanta cast member NeNe, but you can never discount New York's master manipulator Jill using her crafty words as weapons. And after years of dealing with sis-in-law, New Jersey's Teresa Giudice, Melissa could have some hardcore table flippin' moves of her own.
The truth is that all three are pretty hardcore, drama-filled ladies. Which is why we were troubled to hear that Miami Housewife Marysol Patton would join them on The Real Housewives Tour -- a three-city audience Q&A tour taking place in Atlantic City, NJ, Hammond, IN, and Atlanta, GA. We can't help but be seriously concerned about our sweet and docile Marysol. So here are some survival tips for Marysol if any of the other housewives give her any trouble.
If Marysol Gets into a Showdown with Melissa Gorga:
If Melissa gets all up in a tissy, Marysol can easily diffuse the situation by flashing open a Christmas card, shoving it in Melissa's face, and excitedly proclaiming that it's "Jesus's birthday!" This will distract Melissa, and Marysol can then follow up the move by telling Bible stories about how Jesus was born only 89 years ago.
If all else fails, take out Congo, the gorilla Beanie Baby, and shake it in Melissa's face. This will make Melissa run away in fear being that anything remotely ape-like will remind her of her sister-in-law 3-head, Teresa Giudice.
If Marysol Gets into a Showdown with NeNe Leakes:
Marysol should keep in mind that subduing NeNe will be a lot like taking down a grizzly. It's going to be an exhausting effort. But she can make it through the experience, unscathed, if she starts out small, perhaps by singing the chorus to "Don't be Tardy for the Party" while playing with a Mrs. Potato Head doll.
Once she has got NeNe's rage-fueled attention, she can take off Mrs. Potato Head's nose, rub it up by NeNe's nose, and then say something super clever like "Gotcha nose!" Being that Mrs. Potato Head's detachable nose looks just like NeNe's new nose after rhinoplasty, NeNe will believe that Marysol has indeed stolen her nose and will likely chase her around the room trying to get it back.
We suggest that Marysol keep on running until NeNe wears herself out, falls to the floor, foams at the mouth, and starts rambling phrases like "Close your legs to married men!", "boobie, boobies" and "he kept pulling, and pulling, and pulling, and then it popped out" while falling into a deep slumber.
And if NeNe ever gets within nipping-range of Marysol while she's trying to tucker her out, she can just bust out a fake IRS audit notice and NeNe will scurry off faster than a fleeting moment of friendship between NeNe and Kim Zolciak.
If Marysol Gets into a Showdown with Jill Zarin:
Jill isn't hard to take down, it's actually very simple. All Marysol has to do is chug a bottle of Skinny Girl Margarita and then bust out pictures of Bethenny Frankel's baby shower, engagement party, and wedding and Jill's head is bound to explode.
If not, just mention that Bethanny has her own show and that's sure to get Jill to short circuit a bit. If all else fails, Marysol could also throw fellow New York housewife, Alex McCord in front of Jill, tell Alex that Kelly Bensimon is a MUCH better model than her, then Jill can witness the many pissed off faces of Alex, all so equally scary, Jill, and everyone involved will surely go blind.
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