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Superhero Movies That Don't Exist and Should Probably Stay That Way

With San Diego's Comic-Con at an end, it's probably still OK to talk nerd shit. You may be thinking, "but Mr. Winters, you seem like the coolest maternal fornicator around, what could you possibly know about dweeb nonsense?" We'll have you know I'm an O.G. (original geek) and used to play EverQuest back when you had to dial in to connect to the Internet with a rotary phone.

The chic thing these days is superhero movies. Everywhere you look there's a guy with dead parents tearing up the streets and putting bad guys away instead of just outright murdering them so they don't end up in prison cooking up a plot line for a sequel. The typical villain is some dude content on taking over the world by fucking shit up even though it never occurs to him that he'll be living in the world he's destroying.

Everyone is familiar with Batman, Superman, and Spider-Man. But what about the hundreds of other heroes in comic books? Let's learn about a few and why it would bankrupt any movie studio that tries making a movie out of them.

5. Aztek

As

a Mexican superhero, the first half hour of the movie would consist of

Aztek paying a coyote to get him to California so he can "fight some

crime, holmes." Aztek De La Raza was created by Grant Morrison and Mark

Millar either on a dare or as payment for some landscape work. Aztek,

the champion of the god Quetzalcoatl -- who must fight his nemesis god

Tezcatlipoca in the "Toughest Shit to Pronounce World Series" (We're

guessing taking place over at Eyjafjallajökull) -- comes complete with

incredible powers like flight, x-ray vision, super speed, invisibility,

super strength, and in what makes him truly overpowering, the ability to

not have to wait two months to receive a mail-in rebate check. We think.

Even though he has all the cool powers that guy with the Stallone-lip had in Heroes,

there's just something unwatchable about having a Hollywood film

featuring everyone's favorite unknown hero who took the job of some

perfectly capable American superhero. And it's not the difficulty

casting a Mexican, because they'll just get some white guy.

4. Captain Carrot

A

jackrabbit, or in this case a jacked rabbit, capable of super strength,

enhanced vision, super stamina, super hearing, and  who can, wait for it,

jump really far. We need a new form of mathematics to compute the amount

of narcotics consumed by the creators of this comic. Captain Carrot is

the leader of his team, Captain Carrot and His Amazing Zoo Crew, which

consists of colorful folks like Alley-Kat-Abra, Pig-Iron, and Yankee

Poodle. He's a mild-mannered regular bunny, but when he eats his "cosmic

carrot" he is imbued with super powers. The effect wears off after a

period of time which is why he keeps two carrots holstered on his

costume and maintains a grow house.

We don't think you need us to

tell you why this wouldn't work out. A movie with a bunny superhero is

definitely catered to children, and the last thing we need is the

advocacy of performance enhancing drugs at such a young age. We mean,

what, do we want baseball to be entertaining? We wouldn't want to live in a world like that.

 

3. Jericho

Originally

written as a homosexual, this wide-eyed, sensitive, and artistic

superhero has the ability to take mental control of someone's body's

motor responses when making eye contact with them, AKA "boring the shit

out of viewers and giving negative critics such a raging hate-boner

it'll crash RottenTomatoes.com."

He's one of the Teen Titans, which is a superhero team made up of crap

no one outside of prisoners whose common area television is stuck on the

CW would watch.

Casting this wouldn't be too tough, because Tom

Cruise has always wanted to play an ambiguously gay superhero. Sure,

Jericho looks a bit like the result of a lab experiment mixing Siegfried

and Roy's DNA with an Old Navy tech vest, but if Hollywood make-up

artists are good enough to make Mr. Cruise look tall and imposing in

everything he's ever done, surely they can make him look like Jericho.

The problem isn't the casting, it's just that no one wants to watch some

guy controlling people like puppets for 90 minutes. Imagine replaying

that *NSYNC video more than once.

2. Maggott

Hailing

from South Africa, Maggott's primary superpower was having two slugs

for a digestive system. That's correct. The slugs were named Eany and

Meany, and they digested any solid matter for him, and their poop gave

him super strength, stamina, sturdiness, and turned his skin blue. In

addition to that, he could look at anything around him and visualize

what events occurred or will occur in the surrounding area. That sounds

pretty cool, but nothing takes away the weirdness of the slug thing. And

he named them? What the fuck, dude.

This wouldn't work for two

reasons. First, these days only Will Smith can portray a black superhero

and make the movie profitable. His response to the slug idea would be

his trademark, "aw hell naw." I suppose Martin Lawrence can do it, but

there's a distinct lack of a fat suit and a dress so his involvement is

tentative at best. Second, ew.

1. The Question

Let us explain to you what kind of superhero the Question is. He's smart, a

good detective, and a good martial artist. Does that sound familiar to

you? That's right, he's just like Batman! Except, you know, he's not a

super rich billionaire so he can't afford all the gadgets that make

Batman the hero he is. Remember Batman Begins? How about The Dark Knight?

Right, remember all those scenes where Batman did cool stuff that,

without his advanced Wayne Industries gear, would've produced newspaper

headlines titled "fucking moron in a cape gets stabbed in an alley by a

crackhead"? The concept of a superhero without any super powers only

really works when he's loaded.

If this movie were made it would

be a short film about some idiot getting himself killed by asking too

many questions. The only way it would last longer than 47 seconds is if

it's about Julian Assange, and we all know how exciting that turned out

to be.

Let's just stick to making films with the popular ones, shall we? The last thing we want is another Steel.

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