For Twi-hards everywhere, there's only one deity worth worshiping, and she's a brown-haired, Mormon mother of three from Hartford, Connecticut. We're speaking, of course, of Stephanie Meyer, New York Times bestselling author and instigator of the biggest mass psychosis since the re-election of George W. Bush.
Meyer, unarguably one of the world's most famous writers, is making an appearance at Books & Books in Coral Gables on Tuesday, February 19. And for members of Team Edward and Team Jacob, she'll be signing copies of her books and making tween dreams come true.
Twi-hards we are not. But we do have ten pressing questions for the woman who single-handedly hijacked pop culture for the past four years (at least). So for those who plan to brave the fandom, we've put together a handy list of things to say to the wordsmith herself.
10. You realize the dream dude you manifested for pre-pubescent girls is totally a pedophile, right?
A 109-year-old undead man watching a 17-year-old sleep, stalking her, seducing her, then wrecking her womb with his freakish baby is wrong on more levels than we can possibly address. Then, a buff, sexually-virile werewolf falls in love with a baby. We're seeing a pattern here.
9. Why didn't Edward and Jacob get it on?
The thought of two hot dudes going at it is way sexier than either of them making it with the duller-than-dirt, cloyingly-chaste Bella.
8. In a book so blatantly homo-erotic, why no openly gay characters?
Meyer's vampires "sparkle" in the sun -- they were obviously born to be flamboyant. Plus, Taylor Lautner. 'Nuff said.
7. Are you afraid of Stephen King?
Stephen King says Meyer can't write "worth a darn." And she should probably not mess with him. Unlike glitter vamps, he's genuinely scary.
6. Grammar: Have you heard of it?
It's a thing.
5. You really don't like women much, do you?
Meyer has done almost as much to derail the women's rights movement as Todd Akin. Submissive, co-dependent and insecure, Bella is the needy, pathetic clinger that would make a normal dude run screaming.
4. Character development: Have you heard of it?
It's also a thing.
3. Much to our chagrin, you ruined the word chagrin.
Okay, that's not a question, but girl needs to know. The thesaurus is your friend, Meyer.
2. Did Edward really need to perform Bella's emergency c-section with his teeth?
If this was intended as abstinence education, it worked. We might never have sex again.
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1. Do haters like us bum you out?
We know the answer to this one already: Not much. After all, haters gonna hate, but Meyer earns upwards of $50M a year. That's happiness-buying money right there. Well played, Stephenie.
For attendees, Stephenie Meyer will be personalizing copies of The Host and signing one other book. All of her books will be available for sale. The signing starts at 3 p.m. on Tuesday, February 19 at Books & Books in Coral Gables. Check out their website for details.