Spanking with Spatulas: Five Best Kitchen Utensils for BDSM

Don't know which hand to hold the whip in? Get sex, love, relationship advice from Mistress Lera by emailing askadomme@miaminewtimes.com. Read more about Mistress Lera at Notes From a Miami Dominatrix.

 Dear Mistress Lera,

As you know, S&M toys are very pricey, and I'm just starting out and not quite sure where I could buy cheaper toys. Are there any household items that I could use as S&M toys? If so, which ones are super safe and effective?

Sincerely,
Clueless Wench

Dear Clueless Wench,


The art of S&M is not all about whips and chains. It's mostly about your imagination. So use it occasionally. My point is to be creative. Having said that, let me get back to the subject of household items as S&M toys. Last Thursday was Thanksgiving, so this mistress had to go shopping to prepare for a very special client who was waiting for her in the kitchen -- a piece of dead fowl. As I was prowling through very busy aisles, I finally made it to my favorite section of all: kitchen utensils. My eyes lit up and I started clapping my hands like a mentally challenged seal. It wasn't because I love cooking, or because I have some weird kitchen utensils fetish, but because I instantly thought of all the evil things that I could do with those gadgets. 
 
So here's my list of top five favorite kitchen utensils, which cost a lot less than traditional S&M toys and could even be a lot more fun.

1. Silicone Spatula, $4.99

I've used it many times during my sessions. It's just as good as a hairbrush or a spanking paddle. And it will sting your ass a lot less, an added benefit for those new to the dark arts. 

2. Clear Plastic Wrap, $1.59
No rope? No tape? No problem. Run to your kitchen and grab a roll of clear plastic wrap for some kinky play with restraints. If you're a total newbie, do not attempt full mummification. That could seriously harm you. Oh and while you're at it, don't forget to bring a pair of scissors, just in case you have to free your partner fast (cut gingerly and away from the nether regions).

3. Baster, $7
Three words: Lots. Of. Lube.

4. Wooden Chopsticks, $5 (Or just lift them from your fave sushi joint)
If you don't own a pair of nipple clamps, wooden chopsticks are the second best replacement after clothes pins for some nipple torture. Put one stick above your nipple and the other below, and tie the sticks on both ends with rubber bands. Voilá! You've got yourself a pair of DIY clamps.

5. Nut Cracker, $ 7 and up
Great for cracking both walnuts and guys' nuts. And if your partner is up for some serious CBT, use that nut cracking bad boy. For most of you, though, just the threat of using such a device might be titillating enough. Play safe!

Total: $25.58.
Just under $30 and you've got yourself a full pantry of S&M toys.

P.S. -- I considered adding salad thongs and a citrus reamer to the list, but I decided to leave it for filmmaker David Cronenberg, in hopes that it would inspire him to direct a sequel to Dead Ringers

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