South Beach: The Movie Might Be One of the Worst Films of All Time
Are you familiar with Tommy Wiseau's legendary 2003 movie The Room? A film so bad it has gained cult status for being just godawful. A piece of cinema with no regard for things such as a concise plot, acting ability, or general sense that midnight screenings are still held in major cities across the globe so that audiences can always appreciate just how horrendous it truly is.
Well, a teaser trailer for a new flick called South Beach: The Movie (not to be confused, we suppose, with South Beach: The Musical or South Beach: An Epistolary Novel) somehow actually looks worse than that.
It's just a trailer (click here and then click on "teaser" to witness it), and actual production is supposed to begin next month. So maybe they can get it together and turn this thing into the Godfather II, but so far, man, it just looks, well, exactly like how a low-budget movie trading in on tired South Beach stereotypes would look. Like crap.
The film follows the story of Amy, a beautiful girl (and the actress is legit hot; too bad she can't act, but in context of this cast, she's friggin' Meryl Streep) who's seduced by the luxury of South Beach, a lifestyle her current boyfriend can't support.
Dollhouse Dance Factory: Bring It! Live
TicketsSat., Jul. 1, 8:00pm
TicketsSat., Jul. 8, 8:30pm
You're a Good Man Charlie Brown: Young Professionals
TicketsSat., Jul. 15, 2:00pm
Big Band Concerts with the Florida Wind Symphony
TicketsSat., Jul. 15, 7:00pm
Miami Curves Week Presents: Curves & Comedy
TicketsFri., Jul. 21, 9:00pm
"Amy Sands has it all," says the ominous trailer narrator. "The only prablem is, in money-driven South Beach, these things are never enough."
Then we cut to a scene at Mia on Biscayne (which, you know, obviously is not in South Beach, but on Biscayne Boulevard; but the club has already found a niche in pretending to be a SoBe club on shows such as Basketball Wives and Kourtney & Khloé Take Miami), where her boyfriend won't let her buy a $200 bottle. Doesn't she know only sad tourist bros who can't otherwise get into clubs buy bottles? There's absolutely no reason why a pretty girl like her would ever need or want to pay for a bottle.
So then she meets a rich man at Britto Central (because, of course, Britto is involved in this crap fest). He will buy her all the $200 bottles she wants. Eventually, he gets mad at her or something and drags her out of the shower, yelling, "Get the fuck out of there right now, you whore."
There's a lesbian kiss at the end, for reasons we're not sure about. Then someone says, "You gotta love South Beach." No. No, we don't. Especially after watching that.
We got word of the film from the Borscht Film Festival's Twitter feed, which said, "There is perhaps no better representation of everything we are against."
Get the ICYMI: Today's Top Stories Newsletter Our daily newsletter delivers quick clicks to keep you in the know
Catch up on the day's news and stay informed with our daily digest of the most popular news, music, food and arts stories in Miami, delivered to your inbox Monday through Friday.