Skinny Jeans, Ear Gauges, and Other Dude Fashions That Need to Go Away

Considering our post lambasting horrendous female fashion trends, we figured evening out the playing field would do some good. Our Haterade® comes in both flavors, so making fun of dudes and their shitty choices is as easy as selling bottled water to people living in an industrialized nation with safe, delicious, potable tap water.

Guys may not be as prepared as gals in the lifelong illogical battle of who can accessorize using what looks like crap found in the discount bin at a dollar store, but at least women are more creative. Perhaps a century ago things were different. Back then mustaches were en vogue, pocket watches, monocles, and top hats made the most unfortunate-looking men so irresistible they could get any woman they chose. We're not sure if it was the clothing or the fact that women had no rights and were treated like property, but yeah. Those were the days. Anyway, here are five reasons our mothers should still be making our wardrobe choices.

Flickr CC Trisha Weir
He lost feeling to his legs.
5. Skinny jeans

A

perfect example of a style that works well on women who are prized for

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their long, slender, sexy legs and completely backfires on men. The crux

of the problem arises from the fact that skinny jeans are designed for

skinny people, otherwise they would be referred to as tight jeans. Women

aren't fawning over chicken-legged guys, and a fat guy in skinny jeans

looks like Jonah Hill two years ago. Or like Jonah Hill a few years from

now.

We're not saying "hey, make a quick trip to 1997 and buy a pair of

JNCO jeans", but there's a sensible balance between parachute pants and

jeans so tight you can see the cock vein throbbing if you look closely

enough.

You can thank emo scumbags and scenesters for further

stealing this trend from women by proceeding to relaxing the hell out of

relaxed jeans.

4. Oversized shirts
The good old

cholo polo has been a staple of East LA and every rapper's closet since

it was invented in '88 by midgets. We'll never understand the appeal of

looking like an 8-year-old boy wearing a T-shirt he caught from Billy

the Marlin's T-shirt launcher. If the size on your tee has so many X's

it's written in scientific notation, maybe consider passing it off to

your girlfriend to use as jammies?

Every sleeved shirt has a sew line

that marks where the sleeves begin, and if said line extends past your

shoulders, you're doing it wrong. Many theories have come forth

attempting to explain this phenomenon, but none have concretely

explained it, though many look promising.

This is what science looks like.
This is what science looks like.
Reddit.com CC dunderthecovers

Reddit.com CC dunderthecovers
This is what science looks like.

 
3. Ed Hardy

There's

no better litmus test for douchebaggery than anything with Ed Hardy's

ubiquitous signature on it. This date rapist uniform is one of the

ugliest male trends to come around since... the one we just finished

talking about. Most of the offenders wear the T-shirts, but some can be

found with hoodies and in certain cases button-down shirts. The

button-down shirts are never worn with just one or two buttons undone,

it's always a minimum of all of them. It wouldn't be surprising to learn

there are assholes who sew on extra buttons just to leave those undone

as well.

2. Ear gauging
By no means is this counted

as a male-only style, but considering women are the masters of insanity

in the name of fashion, it's important to point out that guys are

stupid enough to take part in this one as well. Of all the things

certain African tribes take part in, this is the thing suburban middle

class white kids in America decided to take.

White people felt as if

they had taken all there was to take from African Americans after Eminem

won 45,193 Grammy awards for his take on rap, so they looked "to the

source", so to speak, and found something worthy of also "finding" for

themselves.

Close a Master lock one one of these and run.
Close a Master lock one one of these and run.
Flickr CC Flutterbye_856

Flickr CC Flutterbye_856
Close a Master lock one one of these and run.

This

is one of those bad decisions that sticks around for a while, and there

are a limited number of jobs you can hold when you're sporting one of

these. The only doctor you can be is a witchdoctor.

1. The double polo
A

style that can only be fully eliminated by the Fourth Reich, this thing

never shows up without a popped collar. This is the preferred look of

the fraternity bro, and they do a great job of misleading people. You

see, finding a frat bro wearing a nice pair of khaki shorts, white

shoes, and a pink polo shirt is very simple. Wardrobe like that seems

very open and forthcoming, so you feel comfortable around the frat bro.

Then out of nowhere, bam, you wake up one morning at the Alpha Sigma

Sigma house with a bunch of assholes singing the "Walk of Shame" song in

unison as you trudge your way out with tears of runny mascara.

The brolo shirt.
The brolo shirt.
Flickr CC ntr23

Flickr CC ntr23
The brolo shirt.

Ladies,

reevaluate your men. If you see usage of any of these trends you need

to light them on fire. It's the only way to be sure.


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