Oh em gee, you guys. Guess what we just found. A bacon-flavored candy necklace! Isn't that great? It's so terribly hip and ironic and just what the world needs!
Wrong. Beyond wrong, actually. For us, this candy necklace is the last straw. In recent years, the tastemakers of the world have elevated ordinary products like bacon to viral trend status, adorning or infusing damn near everything with the stuff. Bacon lip gloss? Check. Bacon band-aids? Check. Bacon-flavored lube? Checkitty check check check.
It's not that we don't like bacon. We just can't stand the smug, ironic hipness of it all. And it goes way beyond cured pig meat -- from cupcakes to ninjas to toast, hipsters have nonsensically embraced a slew of objects of idolatry lately.
We know we won't change any minds just by calling this behavior stupid. (Though it is. It really, really is.) So we're making a different, equally valid case: Surrounding yourself with these viral trends is hazardous to your health. And here's why.
Let's start with our primary offender. You cannot get away from it. There's probably a bacon-related object within 10 ft. of you at this very moment. You think you're acting like Ron Swanson; you're actually just acting like an asshole.
Why it's bad for you: It's bacon. Excess consumption will clog your arteries and make you obese. Plus, smelling like bacon will make you desirable to hoards of obese, heart-diseased people. Do you really want a bunch of chubby admirers lovingly gnawing on your shoulders?
Let us spell it out for you: You will never, ever be as awesome as Ron Swanson. And trying to be that awesome by growing a smarmy mustache actually counts as a step in the opposite direction. You also don't need mustaches on your mugs, your straws, or tattooed on your fingers.
Why it's bad for you: If your mustache is thick and bushy, it's almost certainly teeming with bacteria. If it's thin and wispy, you look like a pedophile, and if you ever end up in a lineup, the victim's totally going to call your number.
Tiny pastries. How gag-inducingly twee. We have a real weakness for desserts, but not in jewelry, bike bell, or toothpaste form. Especially not when paired with bacon. Cupcake paraphernalia is not recommended for anyone over age 7. And if you are 7 years old or younger, we'd like to encourage you to stay away from anyone with mustaches.
Why it's bad for you: You've heard of diabetes, right?
"Put a bird on it!" Um, no. If Carrie Brownstein's making fun of something, you can be certain that it sucks. The ubiquitous bird trend is also highly insensitive to those of us with extreme ornithophobia, or fear of birds. (Shut up, it's a serious condition.) So no more birds on everything ever, please.
Why it's bad for you: Birds are the rats of the sky. They are filled with disease, and their evil, beady eyes and sharp talons are surely out to get you. We'd explain further, but we are so afraid right now.
Look, we like The Walking Dead as much as the next guy. But if you're the type of person who actually spends time preparing for a zombie apocalypse or reading Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, it's time to take a good, hard look at yourself, because your life has already become an undead version of itself.
Why it's bad for you: When the zombies do take over the earth, they're going to go after the humans with the mushiest brains first. And spending your free time watching Shaun of the Dead isn't exactly firming things up in your head.
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We've said it once, and we'll say it again: Cats hate your little jokes. So they're probably not too happy when you try to knit things with their fur or expect them to learn to DJ. Actions like these just make you look like a crazy cat lady -- which, by the way, is not something that every should have become an action figure.
Why it's bad for you: As Welcome to the Future pointed out this week, in Miami, cats are everywhere. Pissing off the feline army can only have painful consequences. Especially if you're allergic.