The Summer Olympics is the time when countries feverishly compete to see who comes in second place behind the United States in total medal count. From its modern origins in the late 19th century to today, it has become the world's greatest spectacle of athletic competition. It comes complete with such exciting sports like running fast as hell and swimming fast as hell, and less exciting sports like handball and synchronized swimming watched at nursing homes across the state of Rhode Island.
No one in their right mind watches 95% of Olympic sports outside of the Olympics themselves. But during those two weeks out of every four years, everyone knows everything there is to know about the intricacies of fencing and that shit rich people and 13th century Mongols do with horses jumping hurdles. In the spirit of adding more sports no one would regularly watch but are still more exciting than the current selection, we propose throwing in a few more into the mix.
If you had to give your college bros an
option of adding a sport to the Olympics, their first choice after
circle-jerking over Michael Phelps for 14 minutes would be beer pong.
After you point out how stupid that is, they'll mention lacrosse. They
tried lacrosse 100 years ago before everyone noticed how lame it was to
have white people Jai-Alai in an open field. Finally, one of the frat
bros will yell out ultimate Frisbee. That's the sweet spot. Ultimate
Frisbee is a challenging game of endurance played by guys named after
professions; Hunter, Smith, Taylor, etc. It's a fun sport to play, and
it's not mind-numbingly boring to watch like weightlifting.
only is it about time we started getting legitimate erections and not
just sport-boners while watching the Summer Games, it's also about time
pole dancing started being taken seriously as a sport. As a society, we've already
done a pretty good job of desexualizing gymnastics (helped in large part
by the fact that gymnasts look like 12-year-old Ukrainian boys), so it's time we move toward making it so our children
can watch a clothed stripper exhibit upper body strength so hardcore
they make Dwight Howard's shoulders say "damn."
This thing. It's incredible, and it could easily be the most
fun-to-watch event in the Olympics. In the below video, a wizard tells gravity and Zeus to go fuck themselves in the
most fluid and pimped out way possible. If they were to add this sport,
which would supplant swimming as the most "only white people do this
shit" sport, it could potentially make up for the shitty decision to
make ping-pong a legitimate competition.
Heads Up, Seven Up
yeah, seven up! Everyone remembers playing this shit when there was
rain during recess or when your teacher had just been through a rough
divorce after catching her husband banging his secretary, Carl. Granted,
this game would be boring as fuck to watch and not participate in, but
if you watch it with a group of loud people, the sort of people who love
to yell at the screen while watching a movie, a whole new element of
awesomeness could be added as your friend keeps shouting things like,
"no, dude, it's the little fucker who looks like Doogie Howser!"
Duck, Duck, Goose
classic schoolyard game that promoted racism. Some little eugenicist
walks around the circle of people and racially profiles each person,
labeling them a "duck" or a "goose." Geese seem to be the Maggie
Gyllenhaal of the avian family, so to be called a goose is such an
insult you have to immediately stand up and beat the other person's ass.
We can do like the triathlon, which mixes three sports together
(swimming, cycling, athletics), and mix duck, duck, goose with boxing to
put together a highly-watchable event.
you ever been watching the Olympics and thought, "man, this particular
non-gymnastics sport needs more people walking around a set of chairs to
the soundtrack of Outkast." Us either, but wouldn't it be fun? Hang on,
we meant, wouldn't it be fun while tripping balls? Obviously Americans
would dominate, because no one does more sitting on their asses more
than us. USA! USA! USA!
Fine, so maybe those last three wouldn't
work, however the first three would, and that'll work to our advantage.
If we propose all six to the Olympic Committee, perhaps they'll just
rule out the three absurd ones and consider the others. It's kind of
like the subliminal dating strategy people use when they party with
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their ugly friends.
And remember: Olympic boners.