Six Sports That Should Be Added to London Summer Olympics

The Summer Olympics is the time when countries feverishly compete to see who comes in second place behind the United States in total medal count. From its modern origins in the late 19th century to today, it has become the world's greatest spectacle of athletic competition. It comes complete with such exciting sports like running fast as hell and swimming fast as hell, and less exciting sports like handball and synchronized swimming watched at nursing homes across the state of Rhode Island.

No one in their right mind watches 95% of Olympic sports outside of the Olympics themselves. But during those two weeks out of every four years, everyone knows everything there is to know about the intricacies of fencing and that shit rich people and 13th century Mongols do with horses jumping hurdles. In the spirit of adding more sports no one would regularly watch but are still more exciting than the current selection, we propose throwing in a few more into the mix.

Ultimate Frisbee
If you had to give your college bros an

option of adding a sport to the Olympics, their first choice after

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circle-jerking over Michael Phelps for 14 minutes would be beer pong.

After you point out how stupid that is, they'll mention lacrosse. They

tried lacrosse 100 years ago before everyone noticed how lame it was to

have white people Jai-Alai in an open field. Finally, one of the frat

bros will yell out ultimate Frisbee. That's the sweet spot. Ultimate

Frisbee is a challenging game of endurance played by guys named after

professions; Hunter, Smith, Taylor, etc. It's a fun sport to play, and

it's not mind-numbingly boring to watch like weightlifting.

Pole Dancing
Not

only is it about time we started getting legitimate erections and not

just sport-boners while watching the Summer Games, it's also about time

pole dancing started being taken seriously as a sport. As a society, we've already

done a pretty good job of desexualizing gymnastics (helped in large part

by the fact that gymnasts look like 12-year-old Ukrainian boys), so it's time we move toward making it so our children

can watch a clothed stripper exhibit upper body strength so hardcore

they make Dwight Howard's shoulders say "damn."

Indoor Skydiving
This.

This thing. It's incredible, and it could easily be the most

fun-to-watch event in the Olympics. In the below video, a wizard tells gravity and Zeus to go fuck themselves in the

most fluid and pimped out way possible. If they were to add this sport,

which would supplant swimming as the most "only white people do this

shit" sport, it could potentially make up for the shitty decision to

make ping-pong a legitimate competition.

Heads Up, Seven Up
Fuck

yeah, seven up! Everyone remembers playing this shit when there was

rain during recess or when your teacher had just been through a rough

divorce after catching her husband banging his secretary, Carl. Granted,

this game would be boring as fuck to watch and not participate in, but

if you watch it with a group of loud people, the sort of people who love

to yell at the screen while watching a movie, a whole new element of

awesomeness could be added as your friend keeps shouting things like,

"no, dude, it's the little fucker who looks like Doogie Howser!"

Duck, Duck, Goose
Another

classic schoolyard game that promoted racism. Some little eugenicist

walks around the circle of people and racially profiles each person,

labeling them a "duck" or a "goose." Geese seem to be the Maggie

Gyllenhaal of the avian family, so to be called a goose is such an

insult you have to immediately stand up and beat the other person's ass.

We can do like the triathlon, which mixes three sports together

(swimming, cycling, athletics), and mix duck, duck, goose with boxing to

put together a highly-watchable event.

Musical Chairs
Have

you ever been watching the Olympics and thought, "man, this particular

non-gymnastics sport needs more people walking around a set of chairs to

the soundtrack of Outkast." Us either, but wouldn't it be fun? Hang on,

we meant, wouldn't it be fun while tripping balls? Obviously Americans

would dominate, because no one does more sitting on their asses more

than us. USA! USA! USA!

Fine, so maybe those last three wouldn't

work, however the first three would, and that'll work to our advantage.

If we propose all six to the Olympic Committee, perhaps they'll just

rule out the three absurd ones and consider the others. It's kind of

like the subliminal dating strategy people use when they party with

their ugly friends.

And remember: Olympic boners.

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