If Dirty Dancing and its televised inbred second cousin, Dancing With the Stars, has taught us anything, it's that (1) a nose job can totally homogenize Jennifer Grey's once-unique face, and (2) the "dirty" in their versions of "dirty dancing" is about as filthy as Taylor Swift dropping a puppy into a puddle of rainbow-colored mud.
And being that Hollywood wasn't quite satisfied with tarnishing a beloved '80s classic just once with Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights and are hellbent on making Patrick Swayze pirouette in his grave for eternity with yet another Dirty Dancing remake, we say take the dirty dancing up a notch. So here are six supernasty moves we dare the producers of DD 3.0 to slap in their film.
And yes, we know this post is infantile and makes us look like a bunch of babies, but no one puts Baby in the corner. No one!
6. Daggering/Cabin Stabbing
Sure, OG Dirty Dancing had gyrating (and a watermelon), see Exhibit A:
But daggering or cabin stabbing takes the fine art of bumping genitals from a seductive, serpentine PG-13 tease to a XXX jackhammering. See Exhibit B:
5. Booty Dancing
Not to be confused with its parent, daggering; its wily Puerto Rican brother, perreo; or its stripper, Lucite-heel-wearing sister, the ass clap, booty dancing is an independent dance move performed mostly by women. Think of a bunch of ladies -- ass out and hands on knees -- in tiny Bongo shorts imitating yoga's cat/cow pose on hyperdrive:
And we're sure all the ladies in the above video are all Virgos.
Any gal who's been to a dance at a middle school gym or has taken off her skates in the center "no-skate-zone" at Hot Wheels is familiar with this sly move. Basically, while a girl is busy dropping it like she just dropped her BlackBerry in the toilet and really wants to update to the iPhone for free, a gentleman sneaks up behind her and places his stiff hotdog between her rattling buns. Immediately after this romantic gesture is identified by the female, she then turns around to see whether her mate is worthy of this honor. If so, the male Supermans that gentlewoman until a slow, Mary J. Blige jam comes on. If not, the female humps the air until she finds her flock of hoochies, turns to face her rejected suitor, and rubs her ass against one of her female friends until the male gets the hint and sticks his stick somewhere else.
3. Cone Bra Dance
As Madonna taught us, not much skill is needed for this particular dance. Really, all you need is a cone-shaped bra, a desire to touch yourself, and a toddler who wants a tiara. (Warning: Around 1:05 of the following video, you'll get an overwhelming sensation to call child protective services.):
2. Surra de Bunda
Roughly translated to "ass punch," thisBrazilian dance craze
derived from a song of the same name by feminist heroesAs Tequileiras do Funk
. The song is sung in the perspective of a cocktail waitress sick of guys staring at her ass, so she makes them wish they never did:
Now there's a fun way to get pink eye from a pink eye.
1. The Demi Moore
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Nothing's sexier than this: