Seven '80s Movies That Hollywood Could Remake
In honor of today's release of remade '80s hit Red Dawn we thought we'd compile a list of other movies from the 1980s that could use a modern touch up. Hollywood has already ruined such classics like Total Recall and Footloose, but don't worry, there's plenty more of your favorites to be chewed and regurgitated like a mama bird feeding her young.
Red Dawn's paltry attempt to replace Patrick Swayze with Chris Hemsworth is a long cry from suitable. Until Hemsworth stars in a remake of Dirty Dancing, or a movie where he pulls out a guy's throat in the middle of a lakeside fist-fight, we'll be clamoring for the original. So following suit, here's a list of potential remake films that will excite '80s film fans even though we all know they'll fall desperately short of appeasing film nostalgia.
The familiar chin of the cybernetic super-hero that spawned video games, cartoons, and endless TV series is severely missing in today's current onscreen wonders. Imagine all the things that cinematic technology could do with Paul Verhoeven's Franksteinian center of robotic moral absolutism. Thankfully, Hollywood already has their hooks in this one, with the newest incarnation of Robocop set to be released in 2014. And Samuel Jackson is in it. That's right, motherf*ckers.
2. Weekend at Bernie's
There are definitely not enough movies involving corpse horseplay anymore. Any number of actors could qualify to play Bernie Lomax, the lovable deadman that always found himself in the middle of trouble, but wouldn't the perfect fill in be defeated Republican Presidential nominee Mitt Romney? A morally slippery corporate stiff who is trying to screw over the little guy?
3. The Breakfast Club
The importance of The Breakfast Club wouldn't be the movie itself, but all the different young Hollywood actors and actresses that could be crammed into the film. Think of it as The Expendables for teens. Justin Beiber as the jock, Chris Hemsworth as the criminal, Lindsay Lohan as the basket-case, Jonah Hill as the brain, and Emma Stone as the princess. But, since this is a remake for 2012, throw in as many young movie stars as possible in desperate attempt to pump box office numbers: Taylor Lautner, Chris Evans, Mila Kunis, Olivia Wilde, and Ryan Reynolds all filling in different made up roles. Plus Robert Downey, Jr. as the principal.
Oh, and it's a musical. With Vampires. That are broke. And want to run for President. That have a baby...
4. Weird Science
The only way that a new Weird Science could ever top the original Weird Science is if Seth Rogan and James Franco remade it as a semi-continuation of Pineapple Express. Somehow the two stoners work their way into being computer geniuses and create a perfect woman who really, really, really loves to smoke weed.
The truly difficult part would be casting the new super hot computer generated Lisa played so masterfully by Kelly LeBrock in the original. We'd put our money behind The Hunger Games' Jennifer Lawrence, but could easily see a real twist of the character behind Zooey Daschanel or another "wacky" actress.
Call it a love affair with Andrew McCarthy, but that loveable mop-top was in so many great movies it's almost unfair. He has at least two films where he had to act opposite inanimate objects, and that's not even including the films he did with Molly Ringwald. At least if Mannequin's remake is done by putting Andrew McCarthy in a more mature role, he'll be used to acting opposite today's Hollywood blockheads and the new Mannequin could easily be Kristen Stewart or Megan Fox.
6. Can't Buy Me Love
Let's close our eyes and remember a time when Patrick Dempsey wasn't known as Dr. McDreamy, but instead was a gangly little nerdy that was so lovably cute that he could seduce women with his mighty telescope. Truthfully, Dempsey may be such a hard to come by commodity, the only hope that any film remaker could have to capture the essence of the loveable nerd is throwing a pair of scotch taped glasses on Zach Efron and hoping nobody notices what's really behind them.
Steve Buscemi. 'Nuff said.
Get the Arts & Culture Newsletter
Find out about arts and culture events in Miami and offers you won't hear about anywhere else.