Seth Meyers Proves He's a Fearless Comedian: Eleven of His Best Jokes
Seth Meyers is one funny dude. You don't need to watch NBC's Late Night or even have to know his previous work on Saturday Night Live, where he spent 13 years as head writer, to enjoy a night with him. You do, however, need to get a kick out of politically incorrect jokes, which were pretty much large portion of his show this past Friday at the Fillmore Miami Beach.
The fearless Meyers started by calling President Obama an angry lame duck only to counterbalance with, "You realize he's not going to just spend the last two years locked up in his room. He is not the princess from Frozen. "
"He doesn't need our affection," he said about the President. And neither does Meyers. He's well past the point here he needs validation from others, which allowed him to unleash it all. Meyers proved he isn't scared of the things your parents always told you to avoid: politics, religion, and marriage.
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But it was these 11 jokes that Meyers showed that he's not just a fearless comedian and host, but a first and foremost a brilliant writer.
11. Obama's Reelection
"Nothing really changes about the second election, which is why there's no bigger waste of money than a second inauguration. A second inauguration is like when a married couple renews their vows. Whenever I hear a married couple is renewing their vows, my first thought is, Aw, that's sad. You guys almost got divorced."
10. Climate Change
"If you don't think there's such as thing as climate change with everything that's happened in the past six years, you're never going to believe in climate change. If you don't think we need a little bit more gun control, you're never going to believe there should be more gun control. At this point, a giant hurricane could form and just start whipping itself throughout the country, and this hurricane could pick up every handgun in American and just start indiscriminately firing it into the American populous. When it finally dissipated, you would say, Would you admit now after the gun hurricane that we have a gun and climate issue? And those people would say, No, all that happened because you let gays marry."
"Who owes the most U.S. debt? We do. The U.S. holds the most U.S. debt, and, like, who the fuck cares if we owe it to ourselves? Here's how little it matters when you owe something to yourself. It's like when you say, I'm going to have an extra piece of pizza but tomorrow I'm going to go running. And then the next day comes, and you say, Fuck running. I'm going to have more pizza."
"I can't even imagine how hard that is. I can't make brunch plans with three friends. I can't imagine how hard that would be if none of us spoke the same language and all of our grandparents killed each other in World War II."
"People who lived in Europe are really insufferable when they come back because they say things like, Oh, it's really hard for me to drink American beer now after I lived in Germany."
"I used to think I was good at video games, and now I know for a fact that I'm far worse than 12 year olds. The reason I know they're 12 is the other day I was playing against someone and I lost three games in a row and I said, 'Come on lets play one more game. What do you have to do?' And they said, 'Social studies homework.' And I said, 'Social studies homework? How old are you?' And they said, '12, how old are you?' I said, '27,' and I'm not, I'm 41. And let me tell you something, when you lie about your age by 14 years and you're still twice as old than the person you lied to, it is a real take-stock-of-your-life moment. Pretty much the only upside is, well, at least I'm not a pedophile."
"Every now and then I'll do a Catholic university, because the same thing happens right before I do it. Someone from the church always says, 'Hey we'd really prefer if you didn't make any jokes about the Catholic Church.' And I feel as if I have the perfect response to that, because whenever they say that I say to them, 'Why? What kind of jokes do people make about the Catholic Church?' And whenever I say that you can tell their eyes light up and they're thinking, OMG! Maybe he hasn't heard. And that is the truest definition I know of faith."
"The other day I was going to the bathroom and I had a magazine with me, and my wife goes to me, 'Oh, don't do that.' And I said, 'Well, what do you mean?' And she said, 'Well, when you bring a magazine, I just picture you in there reading and it's gross.' And I said, 'Isn't it grosser than the alternative?' Like just picturing me, staring slack jaw while waiting for my bowels to vacate. This is the worst thing we do. This is the most animalistic thing we do; I'm trying to class it up by bringing reading materials. Without the magazine, I'm a horse. With the magazine, I'm at least a centaur."
3. Marriage, again
"My wife has made my life so much better, but there are times when I resent it a little about how much better she thinks she's made it. Like the other day, I couldn't find my belt and then she found my belt, and she said, 'Where would you be without me?' And I wanted to say, Fucking exactly here without the belt; this exact thing without the belt. In fact, scratch that. I would have the belt, because it would be on yesterday's pants on the floor, but we're not allowed to leave yesterday's pants on the floor, so I need a National Treasure-style fucking map to find my one belt."
"Any downside to living with a woman is made so much better by my towel situation is right now. My towel situation is outstanding. It's so good. We have so many towels. We have decorative towels. That's how you know you're living with a woman. No group of guys has ever lived together and one guy's suggested, 'Hey, you know what we should do? We should get some fucking looking-at towels. Class this bitch up. Fucking palace of Versailles this motherfucker.'"
"We let too many crazy people be on television. We also let crazy people be on television, because 80 percent of this country agrees on everything and the other 10 percent get to go on cable and talk about their views. Like, I want to see people who are a little bit different have a conversation and try to reach common ground instead of somebody so far to the right and so far to the left that there's no chance of connecting. It's like she thinks gays should be euthanized, she thinks dolphins should be able to vote. Let's see them talk it out."
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