Admittedly, our gaydar at Cultist is not always what it should be. We still think Justin Bieber is straight, maybe even Charlie Crist. So we don't mind admitting we were floored yesterday when we found out about a petition started by an Illinois resident to "allow" Bert and Ernie to marry in an effort to further tolerance of gays and others in the LGBT community.
Apparently it's so obvious the pair is gay that it just made sense they should tie the knot (even though nobody on the show -- straight, gay, bi, necrophiliac, or whatever -- has ever even been in a romantic relationship). How could we have missed the signs all these years?
Bert and Ernie? Really? But Bert is such a grump all the time! And we thought the gays were happy-go-lucky. It suffices to say we had to re-examine our gay-detecting ways. So we started looking at the beloved characters from our youth with a bit of a queer eye to see if we might have missed the gay signs. Here's what we came up with.
10. Snagglepuss
Heavens to Murgatroyd! Did that cat play for the pink team? "Exit stage left" is really code for anal sex. Look it up.
9. Teletubbies
On second thought, Teletubbies want you to think they're gay -- what with all of that giggling and whatnot -- but we're not fooled by their ruse. It's obvious they are nothing more than degenerate alien pedophiles.
8. Dora
Have you seen that haircut? Also, gayness runs in the family. Her cousin Diego makes Elton John look butch.
7. The Pink Panther
Do we even have to say anything? Check out this video to see his hankering for pickles.
6. Mr. Snuffleupagus
If anybody on Sesame Street is a homosexual, we figure it would be Mr. Snuffleupagus, with the way he moves his trunk around. Plus his first name is Aloysius. Had to be him or...
5. Big Bird
For years, only Big Bird could see Snuffy, and we're sure they shared many other "secrets." Anybody wearing a bright yellow feathery getup must have a flair for theater, right? Check out Big Bird and Snuffleupagus in this '70s/'80s video that has the grainy creepiness of pornos
from that era.
4. Smurfette
Total lipstick lesbian. The only girl smurf and she's always rejecting male advances. Think about it.
3. Donald Duck
It's all about the outfit: a sailor top and no bottoms. It says, I love fashion but want everybody to focus on what I have going on downstairs. Classic gay. Also, that lisp is a dead giveaway.
2. Winnie the Pooh and Friends
Most of the cast of Winnie the Pooh, except that mean old owl, are clearly gay. Winnie is the MC of gay, while Tigger is happy-go-lucky like a good gay, and Eeyore is that gay friend who is always depressed.
1. SpongeBob SquarePants
C'mon, with all those holes, he's just aching to get poked. Check out this video titled "The Gay Story of SpongeBob, Patrick, and Squidward." It might as well be called "Not Everybody Should Be Able to Post Videos on YouTube."
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