1. This is an Ultra-related hallucination, right?
2. Sobriety? Check. Okay, so this happened.
3. Gawd, of course someone in the Keys bought that thing.
4. Wait, it's a seahorse? It's not even a religious figure or something?
5. This is an Ultra-related hallucination, right?
After going through those motions a couple times (it was early), we knew we had to bring this breaking news to you, along with a witty list of other Cheetos that look like random objects. But when we started looking for examples, things got weird -- weirder, even, than the creepy Cheetos cat mascot.
When we set out to find other examples of Cheetos that look like other things, we weren't too optimistic. The very notion is so stupid, we thought, that surely nobody has thought to document it online.
Silly us. We forgot the cardinal rule of the Internet: If you have thought of it, it already exists on Google. There is, in fact, an entire Facebook group devoted to Cheetos that look like something other than Cheetos. And they're all probably scheming their little cheesy snack-obsessed brains out right now over this story.
The owner of Cheesus, for example, is probably planning on extracting a four-figure sum at minimum from some poor, Jesus-lovin' soul. But we uncovered so many examples of Cheesuses in our research that it seems the market is flooded. Our estimated retail value: $30. After eBay fees and shipping and handling, we're pretty sure this person would do better to eat that snack, preferably after cleaning under his/her nails. (Gross, man.)
The owner of this classy little morsel, on the other hand, may have a real treasure on his hands (in addition to that chemical-tasting cheese flavoring). If there's one thing we've learned here at Cultist, it's that the public has an insatiable thirst for dick humor. And you just know there's a frat house somewhere in America that would spend months fundraising just to be able to say they were the bros who won the Cheeto shaped like a wang.
Some of the group's claims, like this Cheeto that supposedly looks like the Loch Ness monster, are questionable. The photo is as blurry as shots of Nessie herself.
Others, like this specimen, give you real insight into the minds of these Cheeto-crazed fans. What, you couldn't tell that's supposed to be Italy and Corsica? Neither could anyone else. It's like A Beautiful Mind, but without all the impressive economic theory and higher rates of obesity.
The Facebook group itself has only 37 members, a low number that was comforting to us as we scrolled through its posts. But then we discovered the motherlode of creepy Cheetos fandom -- driven by the company behind Cheetos itself.
Using the "look-alike analyzer," cheetos.com encourages snackers to upload their own photos to "Chester's Feed," a wall of fame for Cheeto aficionados. Wait, did we just call them "aficionados"? Scratch that -- it sounds way too classy.
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This has us worried on so many levels. First of all, is it really healthy for Cheetos to be encouraging behavior like this, which clearly indicates mental instability? Secondly, there are so many uploads, which means that there are so many people with Cheeto Free Association Disorder. And honestly, with maybe one or two exceptions, they all just look like Cheetos.
But perhaps the most disturbing part is this: After spending a good amount of time in the depths of this creepy Cheetos underworld, we didn't find one single example of a Cheeto that looks like the state of Florida. How is that even possible?