Real Housewives of Miami Reunion, Part One: Ten Essential Moments You Missed
Well, ladies and gents, we made it to the almighty reunion of Real Housewives of Miami. It's the episode we look forward to each season, and our ladies didn't disappoint... for once. So just in case you missed what Andy Cohen called "the best reunion he has ever been to," let us sum it for you.
1. These Bitches Have Made It
Shall we all remember the season one reunion of Real Housewives of Miami? What a ratchet production that was. There was no budget for an actual location, which is why they stuffed those bitches in the Watch What Happens Live clubhouse. And look at them now! Bravo flew all of them to New York City (probably in coach, but whatever) and even gave them a couple of dollars for weave. Honestly, we would shed a tear, but we have too much Botox to do so.
2. Lea Speaks the Truth
"Some of what we are exposed to in Miami isn't real world." We want to disagree with this statement, but could she be more spot on?
3. Lisa Hochstein Is Delusional
"No one works in Miami," says Lisa. Um, we don't know about you, Lisa, but everyone we know works more than a hooker looking for a buck in Vegas. But we don't want to hate on Lisa for marrying the right kind. She doesn't work, and there is nothing wrong with that. Well, there is one thing wrong: why hasn't she found a man to take care of us yet? At least write a how-to book of "snagging a Dr. sugar daddy" already
4. Lisa and Joanna Are Over
Last week, all was well in Miami Housewives Land. Shit, we knew that wouldn't last long. They barely got off the plane back from Joanna's wedding before hating one another again. Who dislikes each other the most? That would be Mrs. Hochstein and Mrs. Krupa. Let's see: Joanna hates that Lisa is unemployed. Oh and the fact that is Lisa is an "immigrant" from Canada. Meanwhile, Lisa really just hates the fact that Joanna has kind of turned in a "see you next Tuesday" with crazy hair.
5. Real Housewives of Miami Don't Have Sex
Marysol says it's been since 1980 since she has had a penetration partner. Lisa and Joanna are essentially celibate. The oldest gal, Lea Black, has her husband, Roy, with a "chronic hard on." Who says you can't teach an old dog new tricks? But the real question is: what is going on with the rest of these chicks? Honestly?
6. Joanna Krupa is a Homewrecker
Want some water cooler drama? Thanks to Adriana, we got it. According to Adriana, the reason Real Housewives of Beverly Hills star Yolanda and her ex husband, Mohammed, called it quits is because Joanna broke up their marriage. Brandi Granville later confirmed it on Watch What Happens Live. So, is she a hoe or isn't she a hoe? This is your judgment call. And is her husband gay? If you see him a Twist, you let us know.
7. Adriana Feels Bad, Y'all
Fans, Adriana feels truly terrible about lying about her marriage for so long. She really does! But don't get it twisted. She does not in fact feel about taking Lea's money, dating other people while she was legally married, etc. Just the lying -- that is all!
8. Lea Saves the World
Only Lea Black can get a whiff that her friend's child needs some dollars to stay in school and in a couple of weeks raise $410,000. Say what you will about that lady, but that is impressive folks. Mayor of Miami, assume your throne.
9. Who is Tony the Makeup Artist?
If you stayed tuned in until the last minute or so of programing, perhaps you caught Tony the make up artist. Tony, Joanna's personal artist, did his best to full-blown gay panic all over Lisa and her dressing room. We aren't sure who that man is, but he needs a Xanax and he needs one quick.
10. No Wonder There Was a Part Two
When in the first two minutes of the show, Joanna is calling out Lisa, you knew shit was getting real and real quick. Part two, we are ready!
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