The Bravo network is good at many things: making irrelevant people famous, teaching us how to cook, and making housewivery the most desirable job in the country. But if we had to find the network's strongest skill, it would be padding 15 minutes of actual entertainment into a full-blown hour-long special. Like last night's Real Housewives of Miami lost footage episode, for example.
We're hating on Bravo a little, but we also secretly loved it. After all, we got to see Joanna's love for dogs in action -- a real thrill ride, because it forced Lisa into doing some manual labor. (Note -- her boobs were not a factor.) A couple of minutes later, she became a modeling consultant. Two jobs? Girl, we knew you could do it.
And that was only the beginning. To save you an hour of your life that you will never get back, here are five moments you need not to miss.
5. Freda Gets Frisky
It's official: we are in the wrong profession. Why are we blogging to pay the bills when there are major league maids like Freda out there? From Zoila Chavez on Flipping Out to the 305's Freda, these maids have it made in the shade. Lea Black's Freda perhaps is the ultimate in diva fabulousness. She probably hasn't picked up a broom in years, has her own house out back, and as we saw tonight, her days are spent chilling with her mamacitas making fun of Lea in Spanish. Where do we sign up?
4. Adriana Accepts Her Oscar
Every franchise has its mommy-turned-mogul. Atlanta has Nene, New Jersey has Theresa and we suppose we have Adriana? Our Brazilian bombshell is singing and now apparently acting too. Last night, we got to see her act in what she is calling a "feature film." Is that code for "straight to DVD," or do we not speak Hollywood? While we don't think Joanna's friend Michael Bay will be calling her anytime soon, perhaps Lea's friend Joe Francis will be.
3. Karent Love Da Kids
Karent tells us in the opening monologue, "If you don't like my smile, then don't look my way." Girl, we have tried, but our DVR doesn't have an option to block you... yet. Karent's 10-minute rant about her TV career in the '90s, which only led to her going to dental school, made us feel like Lindsay Lohan-like failures. But what really topped off our daily hatred? Her charity and caricature. Sure, her charity does great work, and having yourself drawn isn't a crime. But why did both scenes include some dude out of work from being featured on To Catch A Predator? And why did Karent love both of these men more than she does toothpaste? She, too, is a certified creeper. Chris Hanson, we told you first.
2. Donde Esta Ana?
Last Friday morning, our darling father called us at work to discuss the reunion, part two, in detail. Our first question was of course, "When the fuck did you start watching Bravo?" This was followed up by, "Should mom be worried?" He only wanted to chat about whom we, as self-proclaimed housewives experts, thought was getting kicked off the show. We said it then and we will say it now: Ana, you're fired. During Tuesday night's special, we couldn't help but notice she didn't make not one scene. She didn't make the lost footage cut either, and the only thing keeping her relevant on the reunion was her mom boobs and insults to Lea. But whatever. She's a chef/lawyer. The bitch will be fine.
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1. Mama Elsa's Small-Screen Magic
As most of our readers are aware, our paper is on the verge of being renamed Mama Elsa Times. We love her around these parts, and we aren't ashamed. Tuesday evening, our love was brought to a completely new level. From the fact that she isn't afraid to smoke cigars or her new coffee venture, the lady's a certified superstar. And she hustles her espresso like a crack dealer trying to pay his rent. Miami, meet your new Starbucks.