Real Housewives of Miami, Episode Eight: Mama Elsa Patton Returns!
Technology has done wonders for our modern lives: the iPad, Skype, sexting. But if there's one major drawback to our brave new world of interconnectedness, it's this: that awkward moment when middle-aged folks fight over Twitter. They usually say something along the lines of "twat" instead of "tweet." And nobody wants his mom on social media anyway.
Unfortunately, not even Miami's Real Housewives are immune to the pitfalls of Twitter feuds.
We begin episode eight with the two newlyweds, Joanna and Romain, along with Adriana and Frederick, who are all going to sit down together and discuss their online woes like mature adults. Or at least like immature adults with reality show cameras pointed at them. But hey, we have always believed that any problem can be fixed over brunch, and last night's episode proved us right. Really, Obama should have just brought unlimited mimosas to the House of Representatives. There'd be no government shutdown -- just a few isolated blackouts.
Many of the men in our lives lament their need and longing for a hot wife. Hey, who doesn't want a dime on their side? But be warned, guys -- it can take a lot of work to keep your perky, perfect dream girl. Want to know who learned that the hard way? Dr. Hochstein, the plastic surgeon, who had to go in for plastic surgery. Let us be clearer: he had some lipo done. While we wanted to judge, we've gotta admit that as we squeeze our muffin top this morning, we wouldn't mind if this shit was gone. Lisa, give us a call please?
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A wedding is a funny thing. It takes lots of time, money, etc. For Adriana, it takes four years of already being married, and then some marriage counseling from her pastor.
While in session, we learned some things: This is Adriana's not first, but third marriage. For Frederick, this is numero dos. We come to find out that perhaps some of Adriana's rage stems from her father's infidelity. Frederick, meanwhile, essentially wants to live in the French version of Leave It To Beaver. And we got to thinking: we have a friend who was only allowed to watch PBS growing up. She is now a PA on Keeping Up With The Kardashians. The lesson: Don't deprive someone of something they crave. Frederick lived without chaos and look where it got him. On a Bravo show crying about Twitter.
In the words of Mama Elsa, let us say: "Amén!" How have we lived this long without this woman? The real question is, how did we live this long without Mr. Patton? Who the hell gets divorced after 50 years? You want to know who? Elsa F-ing Patton. There is no doubt in our minds she woke up, looked at him and said, "Puta, get out!" She is our personal hero.
Every week, we believe, Andy Cohen goes to producers and says, "Let's make them cry. At least once." This episode, it was Familia de Echevarria's turn to sob. We knew Alexia's first husband was shady, but we didn't know she was essentially living out the plot of Pain & Gain. That Cuban doll is going through some things. Stay strong, girl.
The conflict in Syria rages on. We essentially are a governmentless America today. And Romain and Joanna aren't having sex. When two sexy married people can't even get it on, what is the world coming to?
They decide they are going to role play to get in the mood. And as their softcore porno dragged on, that didn't even work. Maybe a dry hump is the next best option?
For the finale, it was time for Adriana's bachelorette party. The three Cs were there: Chippendales, champagne, and cocaine. Okay, fine, there was just the champagne. And the burning of a wedding dress. Bitches, this is Miami, or as we call it, Sin City with a beach. If you are sitting home with your girls at your bachelorette party, guess what? You're doing it wrong.
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