Random, Fun Crap to Try, and Its Statistical Probability of Killing You

How many times has one of your friends said something along the lines of, "oh wow, hot yoga, that sounds like fun," or, "you know what we should do? We should take a cooking class!" All the time, we're sure. Those ideas are lame, though. We need to up the ante, and that's what we're here for.

As one of the largest metropolitan areas in the United States, Miami has a lot to offer in terms of random, fun crap to try provided you're not poor. Let's run down a few of them, shall we?

Noodling

Unlikely to be at the top of many to-do lists unless your IQ matches

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your life expectancy, noodling is one of the stupidest things to come

out of the South since Larry the Cable Guy. (We've just been informed

that Larry the Cable Guy is in fact not from the south, which makes him a

disingenuous asshole.) If you're not familiar with noodling, and we're

willing to bet you aren't, it's a redneck activity involving standing

around in shallow waters where catfish roam, sticking your hand in there

feeling around, and jamming it deep into a catfish's throat so they

latch on and you pull it out. You follow this with typical white trash

celebration such as drinking Coors Light, hootin' and hollerin', and

sleeping with the nearest family member.

Granted, this isn't normally one of those things people have always

wanted to try, but considering the Rapture is tomorrow you might as well

knock off some quirky extracurriculars just in case Jesus gives "living

life to its fullest" extra credit points.

Probability of killing you: High. You'll be doing something like this in

the Everglades, and if the alligators or venomous snakes don't kill

you, the local drug runners will.

Random, Fun Crap to Try, and Its Statistical Probability of Killing You

Fencing

Recently we were driving through Little Havana on our way home when we

saw a dude carrying a sword heading into that Alliance Française

building few people know about. Naturally, we had to park and see why

something so awesome was occurring in Little Havana. It was a fencer, so

we signed up for classes on the spot. Fencing is modern sword fighting,

but slightly pussified by adding dull tips to the weapons. It's less

like awesome movie stunts involving Jackie Chan "not wanting any

trouble" before violencing some small Asian dudes that say absolutely

nothing the whole movie, and more like ballet with old school boom-box

antennas.

Fencing may turn out to be a practical endeavor if you're ever

transported back in time to 18th-century France and your modern ways

offend a Frenchman who demands satisfaction, but you don't speak the

language so you end up further insulting him and consequently accepting a

duel.

Probability of killing you: Low. Come on, you're wearing a Kevlar suit

to protect you from a dull-pointed stick. You'll be fine even if a

gunman were to walk in and shoot you.

Random, Fun Crap to Try, and Its Statistical Probability of Killing You
Flickr CC Frank Kehren

SCUBA Diving

We're assuming this is the only one people actually mention wanting to

try. Take it from us, you gain some cool and/or sexy points if you're on

a date and "accidentally" let your diving license slip out of your

wallet. Living in Miami you've got a distinct benefit over most people,

so maybe you should take advantage of living in a state with ample

coastlines, stunning coral reefs, and more recorded shark attacks than

every other entire country.

Maybe we owe the jelly mob some money, because every time we've gone

SCUBA diving we've been molested by hordes of jellyfish.

With that said, it's as fun as it sounds, and even though you don't get

used to the searing pain of jellyfish stings, you do get used to people

wanting to pee on you to make the pain go away. Just don't let them,

because that's a complete myth and you don't want to get peed on only to

find out you enjoy it. It's not an easy fetish to break to your

significant other. Or so we've heard.

Probability of killing you: Medium. There's a lot that can happen down

there, but luckily most of it doesn't kill you outright, just causes

excruciating torment. Sea dementia, the bends, jellyfish stings, sea

lice, hypothermia, and large marine life tearing your limbs off are

about all you need to worry about.

Random, Fun Crap to Try, and Its Statistical Probability of Killing You
Flickr CC Nico Aguilera

Live Action Roleplaying

They say the best form of birth control is abstinence, but live-action

roleplaying has to be even better considering you won't be getting laid

for years as you attempt to fix your reputation. We;re just kidding. We

actually have it on pretty good authority (read: making it up) that

knights working renaissance fairs and Medieval Times get to penetrate

more boxes than UPS. (We wanted to go with "fill more tacos with meat

than Taco Bell" but we feel like calling a vagina a box is underutilized

these days.) Anyway, if you're a failed thespian with a useless theatre

degree, you may be inclined to fight orcs and whatnot at Tropical Park

on a Sunday afternoon. It's better than what most theatre grads put

their degrees toward -- bartending.

Or maybe not, because let's be honest, it sounds kinda lame and nerdy.

And believe us, we know lame and nerdy. We played EverQuest for like two

years. (Join in on our city's Urban Ronin and Miami's 3000 Brigade.)

Probability of killing you: Low. Unless a real wizard plays, the worst that can happen is a plastic sword will poke your eye.

There you have it. The next time you or your friends blurt out some

nonsense they'd like to try, call them out on their lack of intentions

to following through and then refer them to this article so we can badly

convince them to try one of the above.

--Orlando Winters


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