While Scottish actor Billy Connolly is busy frittering his talent away on that Crichtonian cow of a flick, Timeline, Florida Scots will be making their own, more enlightened, noise at the St. Andrew's Pipe Band of Miami's Annual Christmas Dance. When the pipers stop pipin' hot, musical duties turn to Stan and the Hollywood Express, a small big band whose chops, fans say, are surpassed only by the group's versatility. Scottish dance stylings will accompany the music as the White Heather Highland Dancers get down while wearing plaid. The boys will blow from 8:30 p.m. to midnight at the German American Social Club, 11919 SW 56th St., South Miami. Admission is $15. Call 305-891-3795 or 786-205-5350 for tickets. -- By Victor Cruz
Journalist chronicles presidential lies
"George W. Bush is a liar. He has lied large and small. He has lied directly and by omission.... He has misled. He has broken promises." These are the first words of the introduction to political writer and The Nation editor David Corn's latest book, The Lies of George W. Bush. An outspoken critic of the administration's strong-arm tactics, Corn documents the untruths that come from our sound-byte president and explains the consequences of such deceit. In both his foreign policy (Iraq) and domestic agenda (can we say outing a CIA spy?), Bush, Corn says, has blatantly deceived to further his aims. Corn speaks at 8:00 p.m. at Books & Books, 265 Aragon Ave., Coral Gables. Admission is free. Call 305-442-4408. -- By Juan Carlos Rodriguez
Animal Well Fare
Help protect hundreds of beasts while you listen to beautiful music made by Paraguayan harp master Roberto Perera (above) and powerful vocalist Wendy Pedersen and her band during the South Florida Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals' Holiday Under the Stars. Held at the waterside Deering Estate (16701 SW 72nd Ave.), festivities begin at 4:00 p.m. with opening performances from the Palmetto Middle School Orchestra, the Billington and Gonzalez Duo, and the South Florida Boys Choir. Food and drink will be sold; bring blankets and chairs. Keep an eye out for Santa. Tickets cost $10 and $20. Call 305-235-1668. -- By Nina Korman
Comic takes humor on tour
A background in transportation and marketing is perfect for professional comedians. A large part of the job involves a nomadic existence and selling the act to club owners and audiences. Funny man George Wallace (right) spent his precomedy career in the position of vice president of a firm that sold ads on mass transit vehicles. Now his face can be seen in many ads. His wry personality and observational humor have been featured on Hollywood Squares and Seinfeld, as well as in feature films such as Batman Forever and the soon-to-be-released Ladykillers from the Coen brothers. Tonight at 8:30 he'll begin a four-day stint at the Miami Improv, 3390 Mary St., Coconut Grove. Tickets range from $23 to $32. Call 305-441-8200. -- By Nina Korman
Grabbing graffiti's godfathers
For the uninitiated, graffiti art amounts to hieroglyphic clumps of symbols that may as well be Mandarin. But for folk who know their street culture, the fat letters that glide into one another, sometimes squeezing together, other times morphing into hell-bent figures of rage or absurdity, are expressive and poetic. Street artists such as INK76 or SONIC have forged the language of graffiti since they began their obsessions in the late '60s and '70s. They have become big names with cultlike followings, especially since being discovered by New York galleries. -- By Juan Carlos Rodriguez
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INK76, SONIC, and DENZ will debut in Miami at the Bad Ink Incorporated Show starting at 8:00 p.m. at YO-YO, 42 NE 79th St. Admission is free. Call 305-754-4279.
If a Robert Rauschenberg painting were a musical composition, what would it sound like? Perhaps like John Cage's "Second Construction" or Steve Reich's "Nagoya Marimbas." Or maybe not. As part of the Art Basel Miami Beach extravaganza, the New World Symphony Percussion Consort, led by Michael Linville, will perform an evening of new music compositions, including the aforementioned, with plenty of opportunity to compare/contrast with the visual artist of your choice. The ensemble plays contemporary chamber music, but not often enough. The music starts at 8:00 p.m. at the Lincoln Theatre, 541 Lincoln Rd., Miami Beach. Admission is free. Call 305-673-3330. -- By John Anderson