Pin-up girls, strip teases, vintage cars and enough rock 'n' roll to bring Elvis back from the dead. What's not to love about Pinned Miami, the three-day pin-up, rockabilly, burlesque and tattoo festival that's hitting Miami this weekend? It's a retro renaissance, with enough cheekiness and '50s cheese to hold your pin curls over for the next half-century.
Here, in no particular order, are ten things to look forward to at Pinned Miami -- besides having a reason not to go to the beach on Memorial Day Weekend, which is something we can all twist and shout about.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, the moment you've all been waiting for: The girls are coming out to play! No, not those girls... ok yes, those girls. Pinned Miami will have a full lineup of burlesque shows and lessons. Watch out for The Shimmy Shake Review, which will group together tassel tossing crews, like local favorite Shameless Burlesque, for a show filled with clothes-dropping acts and tasteful banter.
Pin-Up, the musical
You can't have a pinup festival without paying homage to the greats -- Lena Horne, Rosie the Riveter, Anna Mae Clift -- which is why the Art of the Pin Up Girl will be a treat for those who romanticize about pin ups from years past. For the first time in South Florida they'll be performing the show through original songs and narratives, each having to do with the aforementioned characters and more.
"The Queen of Burlesque"
Angie Pontani can be compared to Dita Von Teese, only on a smaller scale. They did, after all, have the same booking agent at one point in time. You may recognize this Brooklyn bombshell from her cameos on Conan O'Brien, The Today Show and Gossip Girl. Still not ringing a bell? Let her whip out her martini act. That'll get the bubbles flowing.
Pin-Up Photo shoots
The man in your life may not be battling the Japs in WWII, but it still wouldn't hurt to have your picture pinned to his wall. There will be photo studios there that specialize in pin-up and boudoir photography , where you can sign up for your own cheeky shoot that same day. Hair, makeup and styling services will be provided, and they'll even coach you on how to pose. By the time they're done with you, you (and he) will be saying "Bettie Page who?"
The Hurly-Burly hunks will steal the show
No, they do not resemble the cast of Magic Mike, so don't walk in expecting chiseled abs and pecs of steel. Instead, embrace the bouncing belly rolls, soak in the chest hair, take in all the husky manliness and just accept that this is going to be much, much more entertaining, especially for the ladies.
Puddles Pity Party
There's a reason why this guy goes by "Sad Clown with the Golden Voice," and it's probably because he missed the happy pill distribution when he picked up his clown shoes. Either way, he's got a sweet voice, and you'll find him this weekend at Pinned Miami belting out melancholy opera numbers, Celine Dion ballads and Lorde covers. Juggling will not be a factor.
SO MUCH SURF ROCK
Pinned Miami has a hefty lineup of musical acts -- Danger Cakes, Skinny Jimmy & The Sting Rays, Cuban Pete and the Hialeah Hooligans -- all which put their own spin on old school rock and roll. The music that will be ringing in your ears will probably be surf rock, especially when the Surfaris take the stage. This is the band behind "Wipeout," that song that plays in the background of any surfer scene prior to 1975. These guys may be older, but Youtube shows that they can still hang a pretty solid ten.
Serious rides, no pimping necessary
T-Birds, Bel Airs and Corvettes will abound at the festival, because nothing goes better with vintage cars than hot rod girls. The Pinned Miami Car Show will have over 100 classic cars parked inside the convention center, all hoping to win the grand prize: two lifetime passes to Pinned Miami! Better start buffing up that Chevy, but note, no dubs allowed.
Vaudeville Follies, the Miami edition
The Front Yard Theatre Collective is at it again, this time bringing you a revamped Front Yard Follies show with a slight pin-up twist, as burlesque dancers will be popping in and the cast will look like they've stepped out of Eisenhower's time machine. As per usual, you'll suggest to the cast what they'll be doing, and they'll improvise on the fly. What they'll do when you place your demands can't be foretold. What we do know is that you're going to roll out of there muriendote de la rise.
The Troops will be stationed
For every pin up girl, there's a soldier admiring her physique, so it's only fitting that a World War II reenactment would take place at this festival. The 2nd Infantry: Baker Company will be reenacting famous battle scenes from WWII there, although we don't believe kamikaze planes will be involved.
Tat me up, doc
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There's something for the ink heads here too, and we're not just talking anchor tats and "I heart mom" scripts. You can gladly make an appointment to finish off that sleeve of yours, as many of the artists will be etching on masterpieces. If you need a break from all the rockabilly flair outside, see if you can grab a few words with Bowery Stan Moskowitz who's been tatting up New York's meanest citizens downtown for the past 56 years, so expect to hear some good post-war tattoo stories from him.
-- Ashley Brozic