Pepe Billete's Guide to the Best of Miami
This week, New Times released its annual Best Of Miami issue, highlighting its editors' opinions on the best Miami has to offer. For the second year in a row, I'm the proud winner of the reader's choice for Best Twitter, yet somehow, the guy responsible for choosing it officially for the paper chose someone else. They tell me it's a conflict of interest to give it to me because I work for the paper, pero i say VPLP.
So this year, I decided to cagarme en todo el mundo and do my own Best Of Miami picks for all of my readers. I've decided to only highlight the areas that I found important because:
1. I'm doing this alone, and this shit is a lot of work, and
2. This is my list y pongo lo que me sale del culo.
So here it is: The official Billete Best Of Miami (abridged version).
Best Place for a Guy to get a Haircut
The Chop Shop on Biscayne
mark of a good barber in Miami is different than most other cities.
Aqui cual quier comemierda te puede hacer un "fade", pero try to find a
guy that can fix your beard/mustache without making you look like you're
the lead singer of a bachata group. I don't know about you, pero ya yo
estoy muy viejo pa esa mierda. A couple of years ago, I was on my way to
meet up with una jevita en el downtown and I wanted get a little trim
on el bigoton beforehand to look extra pinguo. I stopped at a place that
happened to have the New Times "Best Of" winner's banner hanging
outside, and it absolutely blew me away. The place is called the Chop
Shop, and it's one of the most professional and diverse barber shops I've
ever been to. Ahi los barberos can do everything from make you look
clean and professional to shave una foto de una morronga on the side of
your head. "Money Mike", "Dee," and Ray are by far some of the most
talented, professional, and entertaining barbers in Miami. They'll make
you feel right at home from the second you walk in, and they won't let
you walk out of the place looking like a bootleg Wisin y Yandel. Y si te
gusta la jodedera, every Thursday, Club Space's own Dj Radamas hosts a
radio show from inside the shop. El lugar esta empingaisimo!
Best Place To Cheat on Your Wife/Husband
tu estas pegando tarros en Miami and you don't know about Okeechobee Road in Hialeah, estas mas perdido que un tete en el culo. Okeechobee Road from the 112 to about 12th Avenue in Hialeah is like the Vegas strip
of fuck motels. Seriously, it is absolutely amazing. There is something
there to accommodate every level of infidelity conceivable. From a one
night stand with una sucia, to a romantic night with your on-going
mistress, Tarro Boulevard has the motel you're looking for. My personal
favorite is called "The Executive," because each two-story room has its own
garage on the bottom floor. Eso si esta "classy" con cojones! I also
recommend this place as a final destination to any man over the age of
30 that still lives with his parents or in an efficiency in Hialeah
that's taking a girl home with him for the night. Your chances of
looking like un muerto will decrease dramatically and you can finally
stop making up elaborate guayabas to explain your living situation.
Best Local Photo Blog
me cago en el Instagram vente-mil veces. I am convinced that app is run
by a bunch of comunistas. They've kicked me off twice after having
accumulated well over 5,000 followers, simply because one or two people
didn't like some of the pics I posted. No warning, no strikes, nada.
Just a swift VPLP. I only used Instagram because, like most men, I like
looking at culo and interesting shit. Da la casualidad que there is a
local site that is dedicated to posting just that. Deadfix is a
photoblog that makes no qualms about what it posts. Jeva, carro, yerba y
culo. Just the right combination to keep any man entertained for hours
while he procrastinates at work.
Best Person to Call When You Are in Tremenda Candela
Franklin Jara and Associates
needs un tipo de confiansa that they can call when they are in a bind.
Just recently, The Huffington Post did a story on me que por poco me da
un infarto pa la pinga. I called Franklin and he put me at ease
immediately. Mind you all of this occurred on a weekend, and Franklin
and his staff went out of their way to give me all of the legal advice I
needed at a time cuando me estaba cagando en la hora que naci. That's
the kind of personalized service a lawyer should give you. Don't settle
for anything less.
Best Local DJ
Miami is home
to two of the best DJs in the world: Oscar G and DJ Craze. You can
catch them performing at some of the best parties in Miami on occasion,
but these guys have stepped into a realm of notoriety all their own. It's
unfair to compare them to the guys on the grind at the local level.
For that reason, I have to give the title of Best Local DJ to Dj
Nalgas. In a time when every comepinga with an iPod and a computer calls
himself a DJ, the test of the true DJ comes in his ability to read a
crowd, and in that arena, Dj Nalgas is tremendo pingu. He's gained
notoriety from starring in my Facebook Comemierdas video, but the guy is
much more than just a talented actor. Yes, he will probably try to
sonarte un pingaso if you look halfway decent, pero his name is DJ
Nalgas. Que coño tu esperas?
Best Strip Club
me, a strip club is a place where the transaction between the stripper y
el macho is clearly defined. I give you money, y tu me paras la pinga.
While I am a huge fan of King of Diamonds, that place is more like
the Cirque du Soleil of bollo than it is a strip club. All the dancers
are acrobats that just happen to be naked. While it is a pretty amazing
place, KOD is for people that don't mind blowing a couple thousand
dollars in a night just to look like un pingu. I can respect that. Pero
don't embarrass yourself by going there if you're just a regular guy on a
budget that wants a lap dance and a drink. Pa eso, metete en Club
Playmates in Coral Gables. The girls are gorgeous, the drinks are
reasonably priced, and you don't have to spend two months' worth of checks
to look like un pingu. Every time I go, me paso la pimera hora hablando
with the bartender they call "Cream" about how great Los Heat are, and
looking at her pechugas. Afterwards me compro una botella en el VIP that
usually lasts me the whole night, y a gozar bollo! How can you beat
that, pipo? (If you're really hard-up on cash and you don't mind a
c-section scar or two on your dancers, metete pal Stonewall en Hialeah,
pero make sure you take a body condom and a Z-Pak with you.
Get the Arts & Culture Newsletter
Find out about arts and culture events in Miami and offers you won't hear about anywhere else.