Memorial Day is just around the corner, and as usual, Miami looks more like it's preparing for a category five hurricane than a holiday celebration. The mass exodus of island residents is well underway, and it's making the Mariel Boatlift look as puny as an Occupy Miami rally.
But it doesn't have to be this way. If Miami -- its officials, its cops, and yes, its locals -- would stop acting like a bunch of comunistas, we could potentially turn this annual bayu into the best weekend of the year.
As a loyal supporter of la singuetta and all things 305, I would like to offer this simple plan of action to the powers that be on Miami Beach for dealing with future Memorial Day gatherings.
Embrace the Crowds
Speak favorably about "Urban Beach Week" to any local and the
conversation becomes more awkward than introducing your black boyfriend
to your racist abuela. Most Miamians believe that South Beach during
Memorial Day is scarier than an unexpected deo en el culo. This weekend
has a stigma for sure, but there is no reason to be scared. Urban Beach
Week is no more dangerous than any other massive gathering of drunk
comepingas. Yes, there are sapingos that show up and act how sapingos
typically do, pero pa eso se invento la pata por culo. Fearing the beast
only fuels its fire y Miami no le tiene miedo a nada, cojones! Not
everyone coming to Miami this weekend is, or should be treated like, a
dangerous criminal. Actually, 100 percent of the people coming to Urban
Beach Week are dudes and chicks con tremendas ganas de singar y
joder -- a prospect that I support completely.
PLP con el Racismo
El despingue nuclear that happens every year on Memorial Day has
absolutely nothing to do with being black and everything to do with la
chusmeria. It's los comemierdas que se piensan los guapos que le cagan
la fiesta a los de mas, and those assholes come in every color. Coño,
stop blaming everything on black people. Me estan jodiendo la muela con
la morenita que vive al lado. Besides, everybody knows that there is
nothing better in this world than una tortilla con dos morenas culonas!
Baya, se me paro. Que rico, meng!
Take the money and say gracias, not VPLP
Caballero, why doesn't the City of Miami Beach officially celebrate
Urban Beach Week? There is no reason for public officials to rally
against something that brings millions of dollars of revenue to the
beach during its slower season, when the only reason things are so
chaotic is because the city government treats it more like a zombie
invasion than it does a party. Coño, with locals viewing el downtown (of
all places) as less of a bofe-ridden alternative to la porqueria that SoBe typically offers, they should be happy there is such a huge group
of naive people that still haven't realized how shitty South Beach has
become. On a regular weekend gays get assaulted, people fight on the
sidewalk, and cars get vandalized on the street. Just stand in front of
Jazid at about 5am pa que tu veas. The beach is tremendo mojon and
everyone in Miami knows it! So for that reason alone, apreta las nalgas,
y approvecha el billete que at the rate you're going, the only thing
that'll be left in your city is wannabe DJs y peste a grajo.
Sponsor that shit
Managing the strain of a quarter million extra people on a two and a
half mile stretch of land is challenging no matter what the event, but
there are many examples of similar street gatherings that occur
throughout the world. Think about Mardi Gras or Carnival. This is no
different. Solicit sponsorships. Coño, set boundaries like "Party
Zones". Have free "block parties" on Washington Ave., or set up big party
tents on the sand with DJs and performers to alleviate the crowds of
people roaming aimlessly through the street with nothing to do. Have a
parade on Ocean Drive like you do for Pride weekend. Line the streets
and alleys with as many portable toilets as you do police so people
aren't sacandose el rabo pa mear donde quiera. Invest in portable high
powered lighting for the streets and alleys so the atmosphere is less
"te voy a reventar la cara" and more "coño mira que tetas mas rica."
Remember, if you use a little Vaseline cuando se la estas clavando a los
visitors, everyone is bound to enjoy the experience a little more.
Hire Uncle Luke as the Memorial Day City Czar
None of the aforementioned is ever going to happen if you don't have
someone with connections in the hip-hop industry, as well as a vested
interest in the public well-being, act as a liaison/organizer between
the city and the merchants/event promoters. Who fits this criteria
better than Uncle Luke? Coño, el tipo not only won a first amendment
case in the Supreme Court, but he loves Miami so much he even ran for
mayor. And let's not forget the fact that Uncle Luke has nearly 30 years
experience catering to scores of drunk horny young people con ganas de
joder without having his events erupt into riots, police shootings, or
gangbangs (ok, maybe there was a gangbang or two).
Of course none of these suggestions will ever be implemented or taken
seriously, because in the end, PLP I'm just a degenerate puppet that
loves looking at nalgas. I do, however, hope that the honorable men in
uniform patrolling the streets of South Beach this weekend continue to
honor their code to protect and serve with measure and restraint, while
the crooked dishonorable hijos de puta have a change of heart and
decide to go to casa del coño su madre for the weekend. Finally, I
implore everyone from the 305 on the beach this weekend, from merchants
and police officers to residents and local party goers, to realize, with
the great weight of humility; that they are the acting
ambassadors of our city. Please don't make us look like a bunch of
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comemierdas. Coño por el amor de dios, que los Dolphins no sirven pa
--Pepe Billete, concerned citizen and (in)famous Miami puppet