I'm Chris Joseph. Hi. Hello. How are you. I'll be live-blogging all 8,000 hours of the Oscars tonight. It's like I'm hosting my very own Oscar party from my mother's basement, dressed only in my underwear! Weeeeee!!
LET'S DO THIS!
8:30 - It's looking like The King's Speech is the slight favorite to win Best Picture this year. But it could go either way. For every sure-fire winner, there's a shocker waiting in the wings to fuck everybody's Oscar pool up, like The Hurt Locker last year.
The Hurt Locker was a fine film, but it really made itself a bona fide classic for beating out Avatar for Best Picture last year. Great job, The Hurt Locker!
8:35 - This opening sequence is already a billion times better than a manic Robin Williams dance number with massive camel toe.
8:36 - James Franco in a bear outfit is pretty awesome.
8:37 - James Franco's the Black Swan skit camel toe > Robin Williams camel toe
8:40 - Ten minutes into the live-blog and already we got camel toe references. Shit yea, live-blog!
8:41 - James Franco hosting the Oscars should feel weird. But it doesn't. Clearly James Franco is out to dethrone Kevin Bacon as the guy in that "Six Degrees Of..." game. Also, who the shit actually plays that game?
Franco has played James Dean, was in the Spider-Man movies, made out with Sean Penn in Milk, played Alan Ginsberg, made cameos on 30 Rock, Minute To Win It, appeared in a bunch of episodes of General Hospital, is making the Planet of the Apes reboot and tonight is hosting the Oscars. In a related story, you managed not to wash any reds with your whites this week. Win!
8:43 - Tom Hanks kicks things off!
8:44 - It would be fantastic if Tom Hanks presented every award at the Oscars like he did last year. Dude does not fuck around. The Oscars would last just under an hour if Hanks did this, which would leave us the rest of the night to get trashed at our Oscar parties. Tom Hanks presenting every award at the Oscars = everybody wins!
8:45 - Alice In Wonderland wins the very first Oscar of the night. Already your Oscars office pool is fucked.
8:51 - I AM SPARTACUS!!!
8:55 - This is why you'll never be Academy Governor, Kirk Douglas! /TOM HANKS!!
8:58 - After Spartacus rambled on for an hour and a half, Melissa Leo wins Best Supporting Actress for The Fighter.
9:00 - Kirk Douglas' rant made more sense than Melissa Leo's acceptance speech.
9:16 - Aaron Sorkin finally wins an Oscar! And then they play him off thirty seconds into his speech....
9:20 - TheKing's Speech wins Best Original Screenplay. Looks like it's gonna come down to that and The Social Network. We really hope Inception pulls off the upset though.
9:39 - Hugh Jackman and Nicole Kidman. Shit just got a whole lot more Australian. And Botoxy!
9:44 - Trent Reznor. Oscar winner. That just happened!
9:52 - Inception wins both sound awards. BRRAAAAHHHMMMMM!!!
9:55 - The Heat and Knicks are currently playing on ESPN. Can I go live-blog that instead and come back when they're done presenting Oscars for sound, makeup and costumes?
10:04 - Has 127 Hours won anything yet? Alice In Wonderland has won two statues so far. As has The Fighter.
127 Hours is a movie about a dude who got his arm caught under a rock and had to saw it off with a pocketknife to survive. Which, coincidentally enough, is exactly how I felt having to sit through The Fighter and listen to those Bostonian accents for two hours. "ANYONE NAWT FROHM BAWSTAWN IS WICKED QUEEHA! I'M NOT FIGHTIN' FAH YOU, YOU, OHA YOU! LET'S GO SAWXS!"
10:21 - Bansky was robbed!!! Let's hope everyone finds their limousine driver sewed together ass-to-mouth like those people in The Human Centipede after the show. Street art vengeance!
10:34 - Inception wins Best Visual Effects. No shocker here. FOLDING BUILDINGS!!
10:45 - Now you too can learn how to sing like a cat who had a blender shoved up its ass, and do it rather pretentiously for just $3,000 a lesson at GOOP.com!
10:53 - The In Memoriam montage always manages to leave someone out. Always. You have ONE job, In Memoriam montage guy! You can literally get a recipe for making a pipe bomb on the Internet. No excuses!
10:57 - Dead celebrities, producers, writers and directors. Very solemn moment that deserves a modicum of respect and deference followed by a three second delay to commercial.... Now let's get back to those Domino's commercials where they show how their pizza is made with fresh tomatoes by real people! THAT'S RIGHT, DOMINO'S CEO GUY! LEENA HORN IS DEAD, BUT YOU JUST KEEP ON APOLOGIZING TO AMERICA FOR YOUR COMPANY'S PIZZA TASTING LIKE ASS!
11:03 - Tom Hooper wins Best Director for The King's Speech. And then proceeds to give us the most boring acceptance speech in the history of everything. MMMmmmm... irony.
Also, Hillary Swank is morphing into a dude.
11:16 - Natalie Portman wins Best Actress for The Black Swan. The Academy looooves the crazy!
11:19 - Natalie Portman dropped about 2,356 "and um" on our asses. ARTICULATE!
11:25 - Colin Firth wins Best Actor for The King's Speech. The Academy looooves the handicap!
11:28 - Oh how I long for the days where a Native American is booed incessantly while making a speech about the abuses of their people.
11:31 - So at this point it's safe to say that Inception will not be winning the Best Picture Oscar. Which is fine, I guess. It conjures up Oscar memories of when Dances With Wolves beat out Goodfellas for Best Picture in 1990-91. Nothing wrong with Dances With Wolves, per say. But Goodfellas is an all-time classic film that has more classic scenes and quotes than, say, a three-and-a-half hour movie where Kevin Costner teaches us that the Sioux word for buffalo is Tatanka. Point being, the Academy is dumber than a mound of Tatanka shit.
11:33 - Here we go...
11:36 - The King's Speech wins it. Bloody good show, Guvnah!
11:38 - That about wraps it up. The best part about these Oscars? It was Avatar-free!