No more art. Not for a few weeks, anyway. Not to say Art Basel wasn't jolly and everything, but we've got a pounding art hangover to nurse. Call us lightweights, but while some of the art was as fine brandy to the palate, we definitely got slammed by a 40 or two of artistic malt liquor out there. So, as a public service to all, we've compiled a top ten list of No-Nos for next year's Art Baselites.
1. No more shock – just quit it, okay? No, your cut-off doll's head wasn't shocking; neither was your old man's penis nor your writhing-on-the-ground performance.
2. No more explanations: Whether delivered by the artist him/herself, presented in lengthy text beside the work, or recited eagerly by some slavish groupie, explanations of what some work of art means are lame, lame, lame. And usually dumb -- even if the work doesn't speak for itself, your explanation is worse.
3. No more "symbols of consumerism" – You mean your photograph of an upturned shopping cart outside a Publix is actually undermining the very foundations of American corporate capitalist culture? Come on.
4. No more skinny chicks – No more depictions of half-naked, half-starved anorexic-looking women. Leave the shame-inducing mind-control to advertisers, would you? And on that note . . .
5. No more models milling about– they're annoying.
6. No more lists – Are we on the list? Are you on the list? Can we be on the list? I thought she put me on the list, I'm sure we should be on the list, don't you see us on the list? . . . Screw your list, assholes.
6. No more flying people with swords –amazingly -you had to be on the Surfcomber's list to see that one.
7. No more fetal positions.
If you like this story, consider signing up for our email newsletters.
SHOW ME HOW
You have successfully signed up for your selected newsletter(s) - please keep an eye on your mailbox, we're movin' in!
8. No more confessions.
9. No more Photoshop -- and if you're going digital, up the res, yo! That pixilated crap is just plain weak.
10. No more shoes – This weekend featured a shocking abundance of brand-name "shoe art," – shoes in paintings, shoes on pedestals, shoes in glass boxes. Let's be clear on the difference – art is made in studios, by artists. Shoes are made in sweatshops, by third-world laborers (Shout out to Adidas: saw you at the MAP Magazine party, man. Nice shoe-in-glass-frame!) --Isaiah Thompson