Nine Ways to Get Your Ass Kicked at Cuba Nostalgia Expo

Listen, you don't establish the credibility and following that Cultist has in the community by badmouthing your largest reader demographic. Trust us. We know where our tostadas Cubanas are buttered. And don't get us wrong, some of our best friends are Cuban. Actually, many of our writers are Cuban. We like the Cubanos, bro. But let's be real, Cubans carry a lot of power in Miami and sometimes that power goes to their heads (cough, cough, Elian, cough, cough). Like everybody else, they could stand a little humbling now and again.

And what better time to present a slightly different opinion to some long standing Miami Cuban truths than at the all-Cuba, all the time, Cuba Nostalgia extravaganza starting Friday. Fair warning, you might end up in a worse physical state that ole Fidel himself! Make the jump for nine ways to get you in real physical danger during Cuba Nostalgia.

9. Sponsor a debate among mayoral candidates but fail to invite any Cuban candidates. After all, turnabout is fair play!

8. Apply for a vendor spot to unveil your new food truck, Chef Che, straight from Los Angeles.

Cubans don't look kindly on churrasco served up by Guevara.
Cubans don't look kindly on churrasco served up by Guevara.

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Ask for American Coffee while declaring that all Café Cubano is swill

barely more digestible than sugared tar and is better used to unclog


6. Ask for a veggie croqueta.

5. Explain to some hardcore expatriate that the literacy rate in Havana (99.8%, according to the CIA) is much higher than the literacy rate in Little Havana.


Wear a T-shirt that states: "I Was at the Bay of Pigs and All I Got Was

This Stupid T-shirt."

3. Spontaneously announce that "Dirty Dancing II: Havana Nights was better than the original Dirty Dancing."


Call for an embargo on Call of Duty: Black Ops video game. (In case you don't

remember, the opening of this video game, which was released late last year, calls

for the assassination of one Fidel Castro. The Cuban government did not

react kindly to it.)

1. Perform with Los Van Van.

Cuba Nostalgia Expo starts Thursday at 11 a.m. and runs through Sunday at Fair Expo Center (10901 Coral Way, Miami). Tickets cost $12 for adults and $6 for children. Visit

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10901 SW 24th St.
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