Our world is plagued by many problems, but there is none more serious than chronic lack of food. Without proper nutrition, people do crazy things. They babble incoherently, self-mutilate, and sometimes even try to stuff their empty stomachs with inedible stuff like tofu.
In the most extreme cases, however, hungry humans resort to infant cannibalism. As filmmaker and Lil Daggers front man Johnny Saraiva says: "Every five seconds hunger claims another child's life. Please stop eating babies."
See the cut for a brief discussion with Mr. Saraiva and admitted baby-eater Jacob Israel, plus a new anti-cannibalism PSA.
New Times: What's so unnatural about eating babies? Animals do it all the time.
Jacob Israel: I actually don't think it's unnatural at all: (1) They taste good, and (2) It helps with overpopulation.
Johnny Saraiva: Call me old fashioned, but my mother taught me that there is a very big difference between people and animals. Like we chew with our mouths closed and we don't, you know, eat babies.
Johnny, tell me about Jacob. When did he first become a baby eater?
Johnny: He told me he'd never done it before, that he was so hungry it drove him mad. He was babbling about Bugs Bunny on a desert island, looking at Daffy Duck, and seeing a roast duck. He said, "When I looked at that baby, it looked just like a roast baby."
Jacob: Don't judge me. Only mom can judge me.
Is hunger really the only thing responsible for the world's epidemic of baby eating? For example, it's said that young blood has certain narcotic effects.
Jacob: I don't know about any narcotic effects, all I know is they're cheaper than buying a week's worth of groceries at Whole Foods.
Are there baby meat substitutes out there to help people wean themselves off the deliciously tender flesh of newborn humans?
Jacob: No substitute for the real thing.
Johnny: Wait. Can I quote my favorite book, the Holy Bible? "Thou shall only eat the Lord's meat." That's enough for me, damn it!
Lastly, if babies could speak, what would they say to convince us not to eat them?
If you like this story, consider signing up for our email newsletters.
SHOW ME HOW
You have successfully signed up for your selected newsletter(s) - please keep an eye on your mailbox, we're movin' in!
Jacob: It would probably say, "Jacob, you're fat enough as it is, and my meat is really high in calories. You should probably be eating fruits and shit."
Johnny: "Every time a baby is eaten, it's not just a baby. The future is being eaten too."
Keep an eye on Johnny Saraiva's YouTube Channel for upcoming installments of the 5 Second Films series.